The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much for the kind words and well wishes from my last post. I'm home safe along with the rest of the crew I work with. It was very nice to know and feel cared about, so thanks.
Side note: A sibling of mine, whose marriage I though was very strong, is going through a tough time. I called to see how my niece and nephews (triplets) were doing on the drive home from work. My sis-in-law confided in me about escalating anger issues in the house. I am so grateful I have program - not to jump in and try to "FIX" - but to listen and be emotionally available to others I love. I was surprised to hear the news, yet, after thinking about where my own path has taken me, I don't think I should have been.
It is almost humorous - when I think of how dramatically different and happier my life has become, and that I may not need to be as assertive in my program - Higher Power is there to remind me that there is work to be done. Humbled again.
I have not yet responded to my brother and sis-n-law, as I do not, yet, know what to say or do. As program has taught, I have so far chose to do nothing. Sometimes, I ask myself, "well, CJ, what would David or Luna say? What would Christy say? What would my home group peops say? If only piper's kitty would give me some cool cat advice..." I am truly grateful for the ability bring it back to the heart of my program, and just be honest and kind -- that's what all of you have taught me. Whatever path my loved ones (family and family group alike), the ability for me to be authentic and genuine, caring and compassionate, and loving is the greatest gift HP has betrothed to me.
Brightest Blessings cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
As to what would Pipers Kitty say to you.... She would say: WOOF! (Did you expect Meow?)
In other words, keep doing what you are doing. I recall a line from the King and I... the king is talking to Anna after the banquet and he says: "When one does not know what to say. It is a time to be silent." So just being there for your sister is enough. Sometimes being a good listener is the best thing you can do. You're doing just fine.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Love the idea of triplets. Tell your sister that my cousin has 2 sets of triplets and year and half apart. She has 5 boys and 1 girl and they are all learning to drive!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So glad you're home! Yes, I do that "What would my sponsor say?" too. Of course, if ever I run short, I always think, "alright, what would she actually DO?" Usually it involves taking the high road.
As for what David would say! I think you did it just right my friend! We don't have to say anything (boy that took me a while to figure out! ) Like Karilynn and Pipers said just be there for them and open your heart. If something should need to be said, HP will give the words to us.
Hmmmm, okay, once upon a time (when Luna lived in a fairy tale) heheh.... she had a brother-law say "Wow, I always thought you two had a slice of paradise."
It is amazing how we judge by appearances and don't realize what is really going on. And if, like me, they wanted to keep up that front, no one would have known what was real until one day, keeping up that lie becomes to damn hard and the truth becomes easier.
I agree that silence is the way to go if you feel like telling them how they can "fix" their problems. Sharing ESH with your brother is another thing, it may not be A related, but it's people related and this program teaches me all the time how I can better deal with others and keep my side of the street clean. Sharing program ideas and slogans like "say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean" or "how important is it" ...or "you could be right." with your brother could be a good thing.
My brother would call me every year about the Christmas tree, how his wife would just ruin it -- very long story made short -- it drove him nuts. He came to hate going to get the Christmas tree. Finally I thought, I've heard this enough, and I shared program with him. How important is it in the grand scheme of life? Live and let live, Let go and Let God. He called to tell me how great a time they had getting the tree, how every time he wanted to jump in he stepped back and when all was done he felt good, and his perspective had changed -- the tree, though odd, wasn't "ruined" I didn't tell him how to fix his problem, I shared tool of this program, it was totally up to him to use it or not.
So if you are able to listen and not jump in with how to fix, but share things from program that he might be able to apply to his life thought ESH, then go for it.
This is just my opinion....take what you like and leave the rest. So glad you are safely home
Thanks guys, it is soooo good to be home. And good to get to a couple meetings.
I've had one conversation with bro and it went pretty well. It was great to be able to step back and just listen. For me, I am happy with how I addressed the overall issue. I believe I made myself emotionally available. As for bro, well, he has a dumptruck full of resentments and he doesn't know how, why and where he came to this point of being miserable and discontent all the time. Yea (Tiger), I had to keep myself from jumping in there and enabling him to justify his irritabilities. All in all, I think I got one point across in that conversation that he could chew on - "when you have enough pain in your head, and you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll have the courage to change things". I have hope (not expectation) that we will have a few more heart to hearts... that is something that WAS just not done in our family, but perhaps God has granted me the serenity to Change The Things I Can.
Thanks (((family))), for being there for me, again... and again... life is good with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
((((CJ))))..glad you are home safe and sound. Being able to step back and just listen..and not trying to fix sounds like detaching. Good job!!! I know for me I always try to fix things for my sibs, because that was my job growing up. I have to remind myself that they are adults. They will figure it out. And I need to allow them the dignity of solving their own problems. Not easy sometimes, but with practice it gets better :) Take care of you...again glad you are home and posting again.
I have told this one before on here. I shall tell it again though.
Years ago before I came to Alanon, I had and still have several friends in the AA program. Every Sunday I would have my friends over for "Sunday Supper". Not all of them were from the program but a few. I had one friend in particular that was going though much heartache over a man she was hopelessly in love with. The catch to him was he was on parole, under house arrest for attempted capital murder of two police officers, married, and his wife was pregnant with twins. From her stories, he seemed to be leading her on. Was my thinking. Several years ago I had little patience. She sat at my table and cried and cried. I finally, with a very sharp tounge told her what I thought.....just knowing the moment I did the clouds would part and she would see things my way and all would be right with the world. Instead, she cried even harder and was angry with me at this point. I hurt her very bad and she was already in pain. My other friend from the program, reach across the table and took her hand and he told her, "I am very sorry that you are hurting and that it is you going through this." In that exact moment I could see this huge weight come right off of her. It was exactly what she needed and nothing more. Just love, comfort, and support. That was a God deal for me to see that. I firmly believe, had I not seen it...I would still be doing what I was doing. Sticking my nose right where it doesn't belong. The program has taught me what love is. Allowing one another to grow together spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. In friendships and inlove. Love others when they are unlovable....I was unlovable that day, not my friend. She loves me still. Most of all, I have learned like you wrote.....to be shocked, love them, and support them...even if it is just lending an ear, help to look towards postive qualities, but let go of others and take care of what is happening with Ziggy.
CJ, you wrote: It is almost humorous - when I think of how dramatically different and happier my life has become, and that I may not need to be as assertive in my program - Higher Power is there to remind me that there is work to be done. Humbled again. ^^^^^^^^^^^ I'm experiencing that *again* :) recently. After 12 years of working my Al-Anon program, recent events humbled me enough to acknowledge that the person I have harmed most in my life is *me* ... I have resisted for 12 years putting my name anywhere near the top of my Step 8 list of people I have harmed. I am now working Step 9 for a while, with my focus on making amends to myself. Doing that will take a lot of changing of my attitude; I know it will be healing, but I will be leaning on the strength of our group more than usual in order to have the courage to change what I can.
