NEED TO GIVE MY A AN ULTIMAUM--NEED SOME ESH PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

NEED TO GIVE MY A AN ULTIMAUM--NEED SOME ESH PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is always up to you.

If you are readhy and mean it, and know you can accept whatever consequences come, go for it

I can tell you from experience, that things never went the way I thought they would. Never.

Stacie, you don't need to tell him no alcohol in your home, if you are going to tell him you do not want to see him unless he is getting help. It is a mixed message, do you see that?

What does getting help mean? Be more specific. Do you mean until he is ready, and goes into rehab or what? Going to AA 90 meetings in 90 days?

You are doing so well. On your own, he is not living there, you are no longer willing to deal with the disease and you know it makes you sicker.

Ultimatums do not work. I see this as a boundary anyway. Ultimatums make me think of when you say it to someone, they get all puffed up and say,"oh yea? well I will show you."

If this is truly a boundary for you, then they will accept it as a wall and turn around and go the other way.

hugs,debilyn

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

The best way to make a boundary that works, is to have it be about your own behaviour, not someone else's - that is, instead of saying "You need to stop drinking" you say "I can't be around you when you are drinking." You are controlling YOUR behaviour, not his.

A big thing to remember too is what deb says - this will not turn out the way you expect. Therefore, you need to be comfortable with any result - again, it is about what YOU do. He may say "Well, I don't intend to stop drinking, so see ya!". This would be giving you what you say you want - no contact with him if he is drinking. If you really don't think you are ready for that, then make the step a little smaller. You could say "If you bring booze over, I won't let you in" or "If you are drunk when you get here, I won't let you in" and go from there.

Trying to get him to sober up is a mugs game. Trying to get your life to be something closer to the life you want to live is possible. You can choose whether or not to spend time with a drunk, but you cannot choose what HE does.

sash · Veteran Member

They are both soooo right. If you are going to give an ultimatum, you have to be willing to back it up with action no matter what. It really sounds like you are sick of your situation. I also agree that you should say that you cannot be around him while he is an active alcoholic. In my experience, I told my husband that I refuse to allow my daughters to grow up thinking this is the way men are supposed to act -- he has two choices -- either go to detox and an outpatient program, or I was getting a divorce. At that point I think he knew that that was his rock bottom and that he couldn't do it alone, he needed help. Thank God he realized before he lost us. I was totally serious. I'll be honest with you, if I wasn't married with children with this man, I would have run for the hills.

TLM · Veteran Member

Well said, lin0606.
My own experience with ultimatums are always that they don't work. I am working really hard on NOT giving an ultimatum in the heat of the moment, because I immediately make myself a liar. I have had to really explore my motivation in giving the ultimatum - was it to get the A to behave the way I wanted, or was it truly to take care of myself? Sometimes those lines are blurred, and sometimes they are the same thing. I just feel that doing that, for me, is more about trying to control someone else than it is to take care of myself.

Incidentally - on every where else on the web, my handle is always 'tarahippiechick' ...we are kindred spirits!

Take care of you -

Tara

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

This made me think of an idea next time I need to set a boundry. We've been working alot w/ "I" statements w/ our social workers and quite frankly, I suck at them. Also...one of the parts of my recovery is learning what I really feel. If I take everyone's ESH and add an I statement it might sound something like this.

I feel (file in the blank)
when (fill in the blank) when I'm around you and you've been drinking
You might add add a because.

Then state what you are going to change.

And I really like how everyone reminded in their share to let go of the result.

Bob

irish54 · Senior Member

You are doing soooo well and I am so proud of you!!!!!!

I had a situation like this once..and I was about your age. The guy I was dating ...had lived with...and loved...was definitely an alcoholic. Same old thing..wonderful when sober ...horrible when not ...and the horrible outweighed the wonderful.

I came to a point where I felt strong enough to tell him this ... "I have thought a lot about this, and I am choosing to not have any alcohol around me and my grandaughter. (she was 3 at the time) I totally understand that you have choices too and if drinking alcohol is your choice, then you have every right to do that and I would not think of stopping you. But, I have choices too, and my choice is not to be around it or you if that is your choice. Oh he tried ... he would still come around once in a while and eventually have a cup of "seven up" in his hand...it was vodka. When I saw it, I would simply say ..oh ok, well that is your choice I will see you later. Finally he had the message. I had to stay consistent.

It was not easy. I really loved him, but I was beginning to love myself more and of course my grandaughter. I also prayed constantly and simply told my HP, "You know how I feel, and I can't seem to change that. I have strong feelings for him in my life, but I know this alcoholic behaviour is not good for me and my grandaughter ...please change my desires".....and He did!

Ya know, he eventually went to prison for his dui's 2 times ....I remarried, and we are still friends. But, even now if he calls on the phone and I can tell he's been drinking, I will tell him, "Call me back when you are sober."

It is a boundary ...but it's you stating your choices ,,, and then he has the responsibility to choose his own choices. I really loved him so it was very hard at first but thanks to my HP we made it through. Now I have a much better life. I wasn't even in Al-anon at that time. lol

I have seen you progress soooo much! Wtg girl!!!!

Love and Hugs,
Irish

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

You all are so caring and helpful. Tell ya what: I have read and tried to process every reply I got + my conversation with a very close friend.

BEFORE I say anything to him about any of this, I am praying for HP to give me the words to say. I don't wan't to hurt him, all I am trying to do is lookout for my own well-being, and my hopeful words and actions that may lead him to recovery.

I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE. --however I still love the little booger any, which makes it hard.

I feel torn different ways inside, while craving for peace.

-- Edited by hippietrippiechick at 22:25, 2007-04-01

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

"Iwant to find a way to sit him down, and say this: 'First of all, when you come to visit me, I will no longer allow alcohol in my house.' (I think for the cherry on the cake, the rest of what I truly desire to say to him is this): 'I believe you need help with your alcohol problem, and I can no longer be your means of support. You either go for help, or leave me alone until you do.'"

There you are dear. You have said it perfectly clearly. Go for it!! Good luck,

Diva

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

yea baby! I see it now, and I am willing to accept the consequences, even if we no longer speak or see each other anymore, or for a while.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE, DIVA

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

((((htc))))))

You said two really good things. You said building brideges ie making ways of getting together in unhealthy ways and part of recovery is discovery. Awesome. That is exactly the way my AHsober and I relate and it is always a disaster. That is a great way to look at recovery. Discovering ourselves. And about the ultimatum. Doesn't work with my AHsober and as others said the best approach is using the "I" messages.

In support,
Nancy

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It has been proven to me over the years that ultimatums rarley work , if u decide to go ahead and do this make sure that u can live with the concequnces . Look at your motives if your trying to force him into recovery it wont' work for long he either does it for himself or not at all, if u truly cannot do this anymore and are prepared for the out come . go for it . Louise

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Hippie))))),

Like Abby said, ultimatums rarely work. Tell an A to stop drinking or else, chances are they're going to drink. Setting a boundary that is healthy for you and sticking by it is another thing. If he appears to been drinking when he comes over - don't let him in.

When I told the A to leave for the last time, it was because he broke the boundary (and in truth, I really hadn't enforced it in the past) and I had had enough. I was prepared to let him go, and not let him back in until he had a good 90 days sobriety under his belt. However, health circumstances made me rethink that. He ended up in ICU 2 weeks later and nearly died. There was noone to take care of him. So after a lot of soul searching and long talks in chat here (thank you MIP family), I let him come back home. He was so weak and sick that staying sober wasn't an issue. Just staying alive was. He has been sober almost 11 months now and I hope and pray it continues. The doctors have told him, if he drinks he will die and quickly. He's just not an addict that can take alot of alcohol. It takes very little to get him drunk. Thank goodness he started late in life with his drinking. Otherwise, he would have been dead long ago.

We have talked about what would happen should he relapse again. I know in my heart I would tell him to leave. I won't live with an active A again. Bless the people that can do it. I can't. I don't even bring alcohol into the house. I know if I wanted a glass of wine I could bring it home, and he wouldn't touch it. But I am not prepared to do that yet.

When you talk to him, say it like it is. You don't have to say it mean, but mean what you say. Be prepared for the consequences of it as well. It will be of no use to you, if you don't enforce what you say. Stand by your guns. This is what recovery is all about. It's about taking back your life. Take no prisoners.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

Two things came to my mind, when I read your post. These two things which Alanon members kept repeatedly saying to me...........
#1- Definition of Insanity: Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
#2- Nothing changes if Nothing changes.

After awhile these two phrases started to make tremendous sense to me and that is when I started to make my own decisions to change my way of thinking, and change my way of life towards a more peaceful and serene one.

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

Who do you love better? Him or yourself? That's the choice you need to think about. If you love him more then yourself then keep doing what your doing. Nothing will come of it and I believe you will be in the same spot in a few more years. If you care more about yourself then you will focus on yourself and let him just be. Nothing you do or say will change his behavior, that's why people DIE from alcholism. I understand you don't want that to happen but your going to be just as "sick" as he is if you don't break away from him. Your already talking in circles in your posts. I'm sorry Hippie if I am harsh but girl I don't understand why you do not see that you do NOT have to be in any of that mess. There are other people to fall in love with that are not alcoholics that will give you what you need. Unless...........you like the drama and chaos.
Your altimatum isn't going to make a difference to him because there are loop holes....ok so no alcohol, then he will drink BEFORE he gets to your house. Just be prepared for alot more chaos and games. Good luck and I wish you the best, I really do. Just think more into all of this.

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