The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself hoping that my 19 year old isn't at home when I return from work etc. I am so tired, her and her friends are very disrespectful. I have told her no drugs and drinking in this house, both myself and husband are in recovery and we have other children as well. And it continues, she even puts empty bottles of vodka on her self like trophies to be displayed. I am at the point where it is easier to ignore it and hope it goes away, or she grows out of it. Her new boy friends talks openly about drugging and f'...ing partying, in our house, like we aren't even there, I was shocked at the language he uses when we are in sight, and with my 14 and 16 year old present. I am sooooo tired of telling them to knock it off. I almost wish she would move out. She does work some and is going to community college, though she does drop a class a semester.. It always seemed easier to know what others should do with teir kids, not so when it is your kids. I love her but am feeling spent....
I really feel for you, so hard when it is your kid. Others who have more experience with this will be able to help you by telling you what they did, but I just wanted to give a word of welcome.
One thing - we teach people how to treat us. If we put up with something, we are telling them that it is all right.
I know exactly what you are going through. I was there. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change her behavior, therefore you are going to have to concentrate on what is good for you.
Whether that means you have to set boundaries and make her move out if the behavior continues is something you are going to have to decide. The behavior probably won't change until you do something about it. That was my experience anyway. Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
It sounds like she thinks she has free range to do anything she dang well pleases, you are the only one who has the power to take your house back.
It is physically and emotionally draining to live with an active user, let alone their friends and boy or girl friends.
Nothing changed at my house until I put my foot down and said this is my house, these are my rules, follow them or go to your own house.
With that said, it was one of the hardest things I ever did. But in it I found some peace and quiet. Between that and working my program I survived and most days are good.
Good luck my friend and hang in there and stay strong. You deserve your home and your peace. You are worth it and your daughter deserves it to, because right now she is sprialing into chaos that will only get worse unless someone stands up to her.
I am also struggling with not liking my daughter. She is only 12 and I think her behavior is somewhat typical. But for some reason it drives me insane. I think it's fear that she is going down a similar path that her father and I traveled. And that makes me so mad. I grew up what her HER problem! LOL!
I agree that we teach others how to treat us. But I'm not sure how to go about getting respect from her since it was never expected from me. So, I'm here listening and learning. She's 12 and I'm trying to figure out how to send her off to a boarding school (never gonna happen). I love her so much but it is hard doing the right thing for me and for her. Today, I look back and wish my mom took a firmer stance with me on many things. Our relationship would be better off today if she had. I know what I don't want to have happen. I don't know if this helped at all but you're not alone. good luck....
Before I came to Alanon I was exactly where you are with my then 18 year old. I would come home for lunch and just hope he was not there. I felt such guilt for even thinking that.
What it was telling me was that this situation was out of control. Getting it under control is a step by step process. The first step for me was to realize that I was out of control. I am still getting me under control, but as I do that I can more clearly see what I will and won't allow in my house.
My situation was similar to yours. My son and his friends would storm our house, eat our food, make a huge mess and then leave it for me and my wife to pick up. If we left town, they turned it into thier playhouse.
Sound familure? It seemed like more effort than it was worth to try and stop them, cause all it did was breed more chaos. But, after a while I learned that blowing my top every once and awhile might breed chaos, but letting them know what they can't do at my house and sticking to it consistantly eventually worked.
Certain of his friends that were disrespectful to me and my wife I stopped them at the door and told them to go away, and if they come back I'm calling the cops. My son was livid, and I told him that is fine that he is mad, but unless he wants the same for himself he can quit yelling at me about it. When he realized I was serious, things started to change.
Before I could do any of that, I had to calm down and get a grip on me. This program and these folks here helped me do that.
You can do it to. You don't have to live in fear, guilt and shame. Nobody does.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This is a really difficult situation. Applying the 12 Traditions to your home may help.
1. "Common Welfare should come first" What is good for the entire household? 2. "One authority, a loving God as He may express Himself in our Group conscience" - Everyone has a voice in the household, but ONE person doesn't get to dominate and make everyone else miserable. 3. "when gathered together for MUTUAL AID" - we are all here together to help one another - everyone is mutual aid to the home. 4. Each group should be autonomous - which is about respect. I respect your privacy, you respect mine. 5. . . encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives" - this is about healthy compassion. I treat everyone in the household with healthy compassion and understanding. 6. . . . lend our name to any outside enterprise. . . - Our home is about our family. We can share our home with others with the permission of other family members but we don't lend out our home without that permission, less it would take away from our primary purpose- supporting our family. 7. Fully self-supporting - Each member is responsible to be a self-supporting member of the household. If it is by unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash or bringing home the paycheck. We all need each other to function properly and healthily. 8. remain forever non-professional, may employ special workers. None of us are experts, but some of us have expertise in certain fields. We should be allowed to shine in the areas that we are best at, but not at the expense of others. 9. . . . directly responsible to those they serve. - Again we are all responsible to each other. 10. drawn into public controversy - We can disagree on politics, religion and other social issues and still respect each other & love each other as a family. 11. . . guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members - Again respect for those affected by this disease. 12. . . . principles above personalities - All though you may not agree with me or like me today, these are the guidelines to live in our home and we all must adhere to them for the household to be Happy, Joyous and Free.
This is just the way we try to use the Traditions in our home with our adult daughters.
Rita
-- Edited by Rita G at 12:21, 2007-04-02
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I was a rebel/semi out of control teen growing up, drinking/drugs/sex etc and my parents KNEW exactly what i was doing, I hid/lied from them but the signs were obvious, I remember once I dropped a bag of cocaine in the bathroom and my mom found it! She slapped the hell out of me and gave me the biggest lecture of my life! Did I STOP? NOPE! I continued living the way I wanted until I found myself in legal trouble and was forced to SHAPE up or get caught up in the legal system like many do. I learned things the hard way, and that's the way I feel that some people need to learn! You can't change her, but you can change YOU and you CAN take control of YOUR house! I don't know how my parents put up with me.......I think had I been in their shoes, I'd have kicked my butt out as soon as I turned 18!
You mentioned you had other children in the house being exposed to your daughter's behavior! Set an example for THEM, if they see big sister getting away with this, they will think it's OK!
Good luck to you and do what's best for your family!
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Grant me the strenght to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
