The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi I just found this board and read some. I felt after reading some posts that so many people would understand what I was going through and right now I feel like nobody does.
He has been drinking for the last 2 years, it has gotten worse and worse. He blames me for EVERYTHING, it's always my fault, he's never wrong...I can't communicate properly, I don't uderstand what he goes through, if only I did my fair share in our relationship, he wouldn't drink...
I left the house about 5-6 weeks ago, staying with family. He quit for 2 of those weeks and then started a fight and started drinking again. He acts nice, then a jerk. He wants and wants and needs and needs and gets mad that I don't just give and give and then give more, which I have been doing for years.
I have been planning on moving into an apartment and he was "helping" me get it ready (it is in a building we own that is not ready to move into). I was staying at home with him part of the time so we could get it done easier... I left again this morning because he woke me up by flicking me in the leg and then started about how I must be having sex with someone else because I'm not with him- he's mad because yesterday he asked for a BJ and I said I didn't want to. He then goes on and on about what a horrible person I am and how lazy I am and blah blah blah and he wants to see my phone records (again, he always does this) because he's SURE I am lying to him like I always do... I finally just said I was leaving and left. He acted like he was going to get violent with me for a minute there, he punched me in the face 2 days before xmas so it has been an issue that he does get violent. He says I am not there for him and since I'm moving out, I won't be there to help him get sober, even though he shows NO SIGNS of even attempting to do it now.
I am so tired and alone and depressed. I have been emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually abused by him over and over until I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I have thought about just ending it all because I feeel like I just have no way out of this. We are not married but he owns half of everything I own- I can't just walk away, I will either lose everything or else I will have to go through a long court battle in which I'm sure his violent nature will escalate because I am doing something so wrong to him...
I feel trapped. I feel awful. I can't even stay at my home and haven't been able to for over a month. I have 3 kids and I have had to drag them out of the house due to his abusive behavior towards me multiple times. He doesn't see what he is doing to me, to everyone around him... he doesn't seem to give a d@#^. He says the right things but doen't do what backs it up, then he starts acting all psycho again and I feel like all hope is lost.
I love him but I am suffering so badly. Why can't I just stop caring? Why can't I just stop going back? Why can't I just stop loving him? If I could, it would be so much easier... how do i do that?
Welcome to MIP! You are not alone even tho it may seem like it at the time. You definitely have alot to deal with. We are not to give advice here but can share our experience, strength and hope. Can you go to a f2f meeting? Is there anyone you can talk to - family, friends? One slogan is that you didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. You do have choices but you might not be able to see them right now. Keep coming back!
(((((((lonelymom)))))) I can relate to the loneliness and losing someone I love. Alanon is what helped me the most because it taught me not to focus on anyone else but me and my children.
It hurts to lose someone and it sounds like you're in a complex situation right now. Alanon worked for me and I believe it'll work for you. We're here for you and the online chat is excellent, too. Face to face meetings help tremendously because you can see who you're talking with. Electronic hugs are wonderful, but I need the hugs I get from f2f meetings as well.
I wish you the best and please keep coming back often.
People in Al-anon will understand. From the Al-non suggested opening, "
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
One of the tools we learn in Alanon is detachment. You can still love someone but begin to detach from their problems and be able to focus on yourself.
I urge you to find a face to face meeting. Especially with your safety at risk, they might provide a valuable support system.
Bob
-- Edited by bobump at 23:39, 2007-03-31
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am sorry you feel so alone, I understand that feeling. I am glad you found us and posted. There is wonderful support here from people who have been right where you are. We have all been there.
Take some time right now to do something very good for yourself. You deserve it and you are worth it.
The pain you are in just radiates from your post. I am so glad you let it out. We all need to vent and share this stuff to others who relate and understand.
Believe me, we all do.
Your loved one is very sick hon. He does not choose to be like he is. The disease of alcoholism controls them.
We can learn to live with them. It is not easy, but we really can find serenity and live with them.
Or we can leave, have them leave as options too.
You love him because you do. Does no good to analyze that. No it does not go away because we want it to, if we love him in that way.
I too love my AH very much. He has been absolutely horrible to me. Well the disease has. I never see him, or talk to him. He is insane.
When I got to where I took complete care of me, financially, house in my name, everything, then when he left or I had him leave, I still had some security.
It is good to hear you are getting out of there to another home. This does not mean it is over hon. It will give you and the kids time to rest and heal up some. It is up to you if you want to talk to him.
I know for me, I did not want to for a while. I needed a break.
sometimes the nightmare is so familiar to us, we forget how horrible it really is.
Keep coming back, there are many great books to help you.
You can look at the top of this site and you will see the bookstore. You can also get names here, then look on Amazon for used ones that are so inexpensive.
Hope to see you here a lot. There are miracles waiting to happen for you. I hope to see you share them.
Welcome! When I found the board I didn't understand anything about Alanon.....I have been here for over two years now, I think. My life is soooooooo different, I'm different, I work my program daily, I still live with my A and he still drinks, but it's different now then it use to be because I have learned that's his stuff and I have my stuff. He has never been physically abusive but the things he would say, or the way he would act, was awful. I started taking care of me and my life has continued to get better and more fulfilling. Think about going to some face to face meetings, if that is safe for you. Be gentle with yourself, it's a journey that is worth taking. Hang in there. Hugs Mar
Wow....you need to read my post, b/c your story sounds a lot like mine. I wasnt sexually attractive to my AH anymore and he would swear I would be getting it from somebody else b/c he sure wasnt getting it. I told him numerous times that I hated him when he drank, so why have sex. I stayed clear away from him b/c he would always want to pick a fight...he was pretty much sooo sensitive on anything I would say. We would always fight...our marriage has been shaky for the past 6 months or so....and got really bad a few times. He started having a prob about 3 yrs ago. AH saw the light when he had to attend an intoxication class and he admitted of being an alcholic. He's been clean and sober for 1 wk and its been the best week of my life. I do believe in miracles...it does happen, it just takes time. Hang in there...were all here for you!
((((((((welcome)))))))= hugs. You are definately in the right place, and you are definately not alone anymore. We who come to alanon have experinenced or are experiencing exactly what you are going through, and we understand. We can also help...as others have said find yourself a face to face meeting in your community and you will find help that you need. Alanon is for people from all walks of life who come together with a common bond, we are affected by anothers drinking. First and foremost look after your needs and the needs of your children,
