The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I made a mistake at work a couple of days ago that could have had serious consequences. Stupidity, carelessness "I'm in a hurry I'm sure it's fine" - it wasn't fine. Now, a few days on, it looks like the fallout will be minimal - none of the really bad consequences happened. However, I've had a few days to live with the guilt and shame (it took a while to see what was going to happen), and to do some thinking.
One way I am dealing with this is to look for the lesson here. Of course, there is the lesson that anyone learns from a mistake - don't do that again. There are also a couple of lessons that have a little more bearing on alanon.
One thing I am thinking about is how awful it feels, to be guilty. I've had a sick feeling in my stomache, I can't stop thinking about it - especially before I knew if anyone had been hurt. Honestly, it occured to me that if I got drunk I could make it all go away for a while. I didn't, but the thought was there, and it was tempting. I started to think about the worst days of my A's drinking, when our relationship mostly consisted of me heaping guilt and shame on his head, and him doing things to deserve it. No matter how much he blustered and denied, and tried to focus the blame on me, he knew that his own actions were causing much of the misery in the people around him. How could he live with it? He couldn't of course, he got drunk to just blot it out, or to at least make it possible for him to believe that he wasn't really so bad. I got a compassion over the last few days for the A that I didn't have before. He lived with this pain over the course of years. The fact that much of it was self inflicted doesn't change that - it in fact makes it worse. I remember him saying, once when we were fighting about it "I just need to make the pain go away" and all I could think at the time was "Yeah, right. YOU'RE not the one in pain". He was, though.
I don't have too much aquaintance with shame. I spend a lot of effort in not doing things I am ashamed of. The ones I do do are either far enough back in the past to have blunted the shame a bit, or small enough and the kind of thing that I can fix right now with an apology. This is the first time in quite a while that I have done something that an apology just won't make right, and I've got to say, I don't like the feeling.
Something else that occured to me. I had one pretty bad night - thoughts going around and around my head, envisioning worst case scenarios, falling into an exhausted sleep only to wake with a sick feeling an hour later. This used to be a common thing with me - there was time in my life when that was what most of my nights were like. I am so grateful that that has changed. It has been a long long time since I spent a night unable to sleep, yet dreading the morning. There are many things to thank for the change. My husband's sobriety for one, but also my own detachment, my own realization that another person's actions do not have to keep me awake, filled with dread and pain. I used to spend all those nights tossing and turning not because of MY actions, but because of his. I stopped, mostly, doing that well before he sobered up, when I stopped allowing his behaviour to fill me with despair. I am responsible for MY actions only.
Of course, this means the odd bad night when my actions are shameful ones, but I can live with it.
I Answered this post before, but my reply does not appear, so I shall try again.
I will address only the "I made a mistake" portion of your post. It sounds to me like you have considered your mistake, and are taking a lesson from it. What is done is done, and there is nothing more you can do except feel relieved that no serious consequences were felt by anyone. Do not trouble yourself further, but strive instead not to repeat your error. I am sure you will be just fine. Skip the guilt and go on, head high.
Your posts are always so well crafted; your spelling is always correct, and so, no matter the content, I always read them, whether or not I respond.
I send all good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Great post....as always. I too get a lot from all your posts. It's hard for me to reply sometimes since my time on the net is limited,so I often read posts but don't get to always reply.
I think we are all allowed to make mistakes. The big thing is whether we are ready to learn from them and make amends. Like you,I too have always strived never to do anything that would make me feel ashamed.Of course if I discover I have slipped up(WHO ME???? LOL!!) the guilt eats away at me for days and nights. For me,learning that it's ok to slip up once in a while,so long as I learn from it and do my utmost to put it right....I'm on the right path.
Well love YOU warts and all. Forgive yourself. NONE of us goes thru life with out making mistakes.
I like how you reasoned it all out.
I think of that ONE guy they tried to pin the whole horrible thing in New Orleans on. Can you imagine how he felt? And no way could it have been one persons fault.
Would you have forgive a co worker if they had made the mistake? Let them know they made a mistake, things are ok, we will be more aware next time. Beating them up and belittling them would sure do no good.
Glad you posted. You are so valuable here. love,debilyn
Thanks for the support, guys. It really helps. My boss was also very supportive - once she talked to the licensing officer and found out we weren't in bad trouble, she came to me and said "OK, NOW, we can start to put it behind us".
Interestingly, the main reason licensing was so understanding was because, as soon as we realized what had happened, everything came to a grinding halt, we didn't let it drag on an instant. And, we set to work on letting everyone involved know what had happened; I took responsibility, and the written apologies were ready to send out within the hour. Taking responsibility, making whatever amends are possible, and trying not to do it again - all sounds familiar, eh?
