The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband got out today. I have decided to be cautiously optimistic. I see everyone's replies where they tell me to work on me and get myself well. honestly, it never even occurred to me that there was anything with me. In my case, I just couldn't take his crap anymore and I basically told him that if he didn't seek treatment, he could kiss me and his family goodbye. I think that was a real wake-up call. I also think he really is sick of living this way and was starting to feel worthless. He came with me to our kids soccer practice and is now at an AA meeting.
My question, I guess, is where and what do I do to begin to heal myself and my children. Two of my kids are quite young, but my oldest is 13 and I know that she knows what is going on. I always just assumed that this is his problem, you know?
It's not alanon literature but you might like this. http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa030597.htm
Try getting to an alanon meeting. Get a beginners packet and also make sure you have the pamphlets Alcoholism the Family Disease, and Alcoholism the Merry Go Round Named Denial and any other pamphlets that catch your attention. Their free !
Alanon meetings were the first step in my family recovering because I couldn't make anyone else want to get better but if they saw me do things differently, sometimes they saw there was a different way to go about things.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
One thing that helped my children is knowing that their Dad has a disease and is sick. They also need to know that their is nothing that they can do that can stop him from drinking or make him drink.That it is up to him.
One mistake that I made was hanging the moon on his "disease". Everything used to depend on if he was drinking or not drinking. My mood, if friends could come over,if we went somewhere(ex. supposed to take kids to movies, Dad drunk, I would stay home in "case" he might hurt himself yada, yada or Dad's sober. I would stay home if he didn't want to go b/c he might drink) and guess what I found out-it did not matter. He would do-what he let his disease do-anyway.
Now, I go about my life, if he is sober-good for him-drunk- good for him-I try for it not to make a difference.
"I always just assumed that this is his problem, you know?"
Great attitude, and a great first step. You may find all that you need help with is dealing with the fact that when the drinking stops, the 'ism' doesn't, necessarily. Lots of unhealthy behaviours, that are easier to see clearly when they come from a technically sober person. You might also want some help dealing with resentment and forgiveness - this is huge for many of us. I know I would have sworn that I was never a martyr - until after about a year in alanon, when I recogized that, well, yeah, I was, kinda.
It's easy to fall into taking care of his recovery for him, which is a very bad idea - alanon can teach you some tools to help you avoid that pitfall.
There is a woman at my f2f who showed her first A husband to the door, figured it was "his problem", until she promptly turned around and married another one. Hmm, maybe there IS something going on here.....
I'd say, do some reading, go to a few meetings. You'll know after a couple of months if the program has anything to say to you, if you keep an open mind.
I have a son that is 9 years old and he knew more about his dad's and stepdad's disease than I realized. I started keeping the communication lines more open with him and he started talking. When he tells me something about either dad I make sure to ask him "How does that make you feel?" or "What do you think about that?" That way he can tell as much as he likes without me hounding him with a ton of questions. His dad has been in recovery for about 2 years now and his stepdad about 1 and 1/2 months. His dad since in recovery has started to be a great help with talking to his son about alcoholism too. I also have too little ones. We have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old. My 3 year old has shocked both her dad and I with some of her comments as well. So I started talking about daddy being sick. She understands that part, but had a hard time with why daddy wouldn't just go to the doctor and get better like she does when she is sick. The book An Elephant In The Living Room has been a good book for the kids too. I have been in Al Anon for almost a year and since I joined I have been pretty open and honest with my kids about their dad's disease and how it has affected our whole family. They now say mommy is a great mommy! My son says that Al Anon is his mommy's best friend because the people in it have helped mommy learn how to smile and have fun again.
Are there a local Al-Anon & Alateen meetings that you and your oldest child can attend? I think that may be a great start. They should have newcomer pkgs with info on the programs, a phone list of regular members, and other info.
There might even be a few Alateen web sites that the 13 yr old might be interested in.
"How Al-Anon works for Family & Friends of Alcoholics" is one of good books in reading about the program.
And of course, keep coming back to MIP!!
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks so much for your replies and suggestions. I wasn't aware that there is an AlaTeen. My daughter has been really quiet lately and withdrawn, so maybe this would help her out. When I do talk (or try to) with her about her father's problem she gives me that look like "this is the last thing in the entire world that I want to talk about."
I am so happy I found this site. I felt really alone with all this, but when I read these messages I can't believe that all have you have been there done that also.
As I understand it, there isn't any Alateen online because of predator concerns, but ages 13 & older are welcome at regular Alanon sites. For the same reason, there has been a recent revamping of the entire adult-sponsor-of-Alateen-meetings program throughout the USA, so f2f Alateen meetings are coming back, but slowly. There is some great Alateen literature, which you can get if you go to an f2f; I like the little book Hope for Children of Alcoholics (I think that's the name), red & yellow cover, kind of like a mini Paths to Recovery. If you get literature through your f2f, you support your state's info service; but if you can't get to f2f you can also order literature, including Alateen literature, from al-anon.alateen.org
I am so proud of you sash! A great first step, as you asked, would be to go, consistently, to al anon meetings. Listen to what other members have to say and begin putting their ideas into practice. For example, the idea of HALT: Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If you find yourself in any of these positions, take care of your physical needs. That way, you won't find yourself losing your temper because your over tired, blowing up over something small, or bursting into tears because you're feeling emotionally uncared for (I know that was a very, very hard thing for me to do in the beginning; I felt so selfish!) Think simple. Think small. And keep coming back!
