The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know one reason that I put off this transition for so so long is that I knew it would be painful. I also knew I would resent the a even more. I know absolutely these days I cannot live with his self destructive, totally disrespectful, unloving behavior anymore. I am sick of being last on the list. I am also sick of his total absolute constant chaos.
At the same time I'm in no position just yet to wash my hands of him. First of all I have not moved my stuff. Secondly I have a vested interest in where the dogs and one cat goes. I may be able to take that one cat with me. My failsafe is that my own dog came from a no kill shelter and they are committed to her for life. If the A totally plumeets she can go there and she is adoptable. His dog is not, she is a shy, really difficult dog who chases cats among other bad habits. She is totally besotted with him and I think leaving him would kill her.
My own two cats have not transitioned yet to the new place. I am not sure how to approach my landlord as of yet. I am working up to it. There is a good chance he will let me have them. The problem is one cat sprays and well I live in one room so that is an issue. So I am holding off on the cat transition just yet.
There is a part of me that wants out right this minute, wants all my stuff moved to storage, to get my stuff and just let go. There is another crazy part, the part that is glued to him with concern, grief and anger who wants to hang on until I am dead too. Right now the rational part is there. I slept away from the house last night, partly because he is so difficult to be around. I have been moving my stuff there every few days for 2 weeks now. I have most of it but not all of it.
I also have to say goodbye to lots of things. I worked a garden where we are. As much as I'd like to I can't really transplant the whole garden into my new abode. I can bring some things. So I am probably going to give most of my plants to a family across the street who will appreciate them. They certainly appreciated the effort I put into it. The A is needless to say totally uninterested in my grief, anger and concern about the plants. He is, as always, totally subsumed in poor meing. That is a great set up for him to "use" and I have no doubt he is since he never has a penny. I do not see him do it. I see no drug paraphenalia around but I think now I am gone he is probably able to do it much less secretively than before. He certainly always has company for that.
I am sad that I have given so much to someone who is so patently self destrucitve and hell bent on destroying himself. I am sad that he won't stop but I understand fully and completely I am powerless. I can just stand aside and let me do it. I am tremendously sad that our pets are affected but I could not fashion a solution that involved my taking them as much as I tried. I may in time and I hold out for that. That is one reason to continue relating to him. I may get the right job, get the right place and still come out of this without huge losses. At the same time my losses are incredible. There is the loss of love for one thing. I see him now as totally incapable of love. Like many people here I live day and night with the sense of impending doom when it comes to him. His friends tell me the crazy driving is back. They say they are scared to drive with him. I think that strategy may well be his exit. I am ready for the worst and hoping for the best. Maresie
I know this hurts and I am sorry for that. This will not define who you are. Ten years from now, you more than likely will have no regret...you make ask yourself, "What was I afraid of? Getting happy faster and taking care of me?" I love my sober BF. If he started drinking tomorrow, I would hope that I am healthy enough to walk away for me. I have had enough alcohol in my life and there isn't room for anymore. Is this a big change that you are going through? yes. Not as big as we make it out. It is small in reference to the rest of out lives...atleast mine. I do know all the emotions that go along with it. Second guessing yourself, anger, resentment, hurt, sadness, and also a sense of excitement to a new life. You have deserved your freedom for a longtime now. I hope you find some peace in your heart with relative ease. You deserve and I know you can do it! Ziggy
Transition is hard. Lately I have been trying to deal with my feelings as if I were talking to a friend about "his" decissions. Most of the pain for me is centered around, not wanting to disappoint my AW for letting her be an adult and make her own decissions, and the grief of what could have been (what should have been).
It is easy for me to discuss these things with others and offer reality, and objectivity.... which says: "That wonderful life that you miss... never existed. And you are not responsable for her reaction to your decissions."
That was easy... guess it takes longer for me to believe what I say. LOL
Hang in there, you are doing great! Like ZD said, down the road you may look back on this and wonder what you were so upset about. I often feel that way about events in the past.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I hear alot of strength in your post. You know what you don't want and you seem to have a good idea of what you do want. I think you have a healthy attitude about your new place. It may not be much but you'll make it beautiful with what you have. Be gentle to yourself about the pet situation. Do what you can to get them to a safe and nurturing environment. I think pets are resiliant like children, when they have love and nurturing they grieve for their owners, but take comfort in the new loving surroundings.
Everything you are doing now is another step closer to your healing. I'm sorry you are grieving but you wouldn't be human if you didn't grieve. Its a blessing that you are able to grieve for your A because it means your capable of compassion and love. It is scary dealing with the unknown and the changes but you will fair well. You have yourself, your program, your support system, and your sanity. You have everything you need to embrace this change. I think your awesome, keep up the good work. Have a wonderful weekend.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
One of the things that helped me--and has helped other members--is write letters, or make a scrap book, of your things that you are leaving. I wrote a good bye letter to my Hendersonville house; to my Grade school; to my Hendersonville YMCA; to my Hendersonville friends. Other members made "digital scrapbooks" with their children: using their digital cameras, and giving the children 1x use cameras, everyone took pictures of places within the neighboorhood, city, friends, house that were special. I know a military family on our YMCA team took pictures of the inside and YMCA, the mom especially. She laughed, saying "I spend more time here than in my own house!" They posted their pix online so that people who are still here can post THEIR pictures--like the relay team that her son was a part of and placed at Nationals, or letters from friends. An adult MySpace, if you will. Another member, recovering in al anon, was filing for bankruptcy as a result of her husbands disease. She and the kids took 5 1x use cameras, and they went all around the house, all around the city, all around the neighboorhood, and made a huge ol' scrap book. Each of them had a section of memories. HEr section was the kitchen, b/c when the kids came their first question was "MOM!!!!! What's to eat?!?!!" Her son, for his part, was all about the soccer field; that's where all his friends were. Her daughter was all about her band friends and teachers. Making the books gave them closure Today, I don't look at my pictures as much as I did, oh, 5 or 6 years ago. The wounds were still fresh from the geographic cure. The pain of leaving and making a major transition was still there. I still cared what other people were doing in my home town. I don't so much anymore. I'm okay that I'm here in Daytion. I realize this takes time. But for me, and for alot of members, it was an incredibly healing 4/5/8/9. It let me, and lot of other members, make amends to "Little Sarah," and say "Its' okay. We're gonna make our own house now honey. We don't have to live there any more. We're gonna live in a house with food, and electricity, and clothes that fit, and a bed that doesn't break in the middle of the night, and doors with locks. We're gonna have an okay life now Sweet SArah. It's okay." And come on--isn't that the most important part of the steps?
I am so sorry for your pain. I'm going thru the same thing with my husband. I left him 3 weeks ago. I hear a lot of strength in your post. I have left my husband numerous times to only cave in and go running back to empty promises, never giving myself time to adjust to the transition. I felt that living with an active alcoholic and putting up with unacceptable behavior was far less painful than having to live without him. I know that I deserve so much more than my husband can give me right now. From past experience I know that I will have days when I feel that I can't live another day without him. When this happens, I hope to have the strength you have to hang on just a little longer, knowing that if I allow myself to go thru the transitional period I will find peace and happiness waiting for me on the other side. Stay strong and keep working your program. I wish you all the best as you begin your new life.
I am so sad for you, my friend. I know it hurts, but you deserve sooo much better!! You are a strong, loving, compassionate woman who has certainly helped me on this board, and I know many others! Now it's time for you to concentrate that strength, love and compassion on yourself. Better days are coming,my prayers are for you to have the happiness and serenity you so deserve. With Love, TLC
