The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't written for a while and a lot has happened and nothing has changed.
He admits only to me, that he's an alcoholic. He knows that it's not good for him. He does know that he's done and said things that have been extremely hurtful. He talks about quitting all the time, but only when he's drunk. He only drinks between 7:00 and 10:30 p.m. every night. He's never hit me, but he's been violent (through words and actions) to the point of it feeling 'physical'. I walk on eggshells, because I'm never sure what's coming or what the mood will be, but there can be stretches of what seem like normalcy and I almost feel as though I'm imagining that the alcoholism is big a factor in the scheme of things and can be worked around. To the world he presents himself as a normal, hard-working, nice guy who is highly functional.
I've been so sick for so long over everything and I feel as though my thoughts have become warped. I'm going for abuse counselling (and group therapy) and was told by this particular counsellor that my case is one of the worst ones she is dealing with right now. I was surprised! I have been completely honest with her, so I'm trying to take her reaction seriously, but it's confusing.
He tells me all the things that I need to change if I 'don't want him looking elsewhere', and most of them are the things that I have become in response or reaction to the way he is and the things he's done. For instance, I don't care about things the way I used to. I don't pay attention to my appearance. I withhold sex from him most of the time, because I got so sick of him demanding it as though it was his god given right, when I'd repeatedly told him NO - not when he is drunk.
I'm on disability and some days I never get out of my pyjamas. He tells me that if I still want a relationship with him, I have to change all of these things. I used to be everything he wanted, when I was happy with myself. Now I don't want to be ANYTHING he wants and I don't want to do anything he wants me to either. It's never been consciously punishing him, but I guess that's what I'm doing. It's hindering my progress too, because I need to do those things for myself. in order to get ME back. In a nutshell - it seems impossible for me to get well 'for him', while he continues to remain 'sick' for me. I don't have the energy or finances it would take to get out, yet I can't afford what it takes to stay.
On one hand, I feel as though the counsellor must be right, but on the other, I'm thinking it can't be that bad. Am I in a huge denial over this? Am I wrong to assume that perhaps my own issues are not just as much a factor in the quiet and sometimes not so quiet desperation that I continue to feel?
I just love the part of YOU needing to change or he will look elsewhere....huh? Sounds like its the other way around. I told AH plenty of times that sex just doesnt do it for me anymore. Before him admitting he had a problem, there were times where he swears I was getting it from someone else b/c I wasnt getting it from him. I told him that hes changed...I hate him when he drinks..therefore...I dont want to have sex w/ him....so I understand where youre coming from. I dont have any advice but wanted to give you my sympathy and support.
In alanon we tell you to work on your own issues - but really "your" issues, not just the ones the A tells you are yours. If you are not happy with the way you are living, make some changes. It doesn't reeally matter all that much what the A thinks about you, or even what your counsellor thinks, but what YOU think about yourself. Are you living life to the fullest, and if not, why not. Probably you are thinking "How can I live life to the fullest with an A in my life, it's hard enough just to get through the day". So, use some of that time and energy that you are using fretting about him, worrying about him, thinking about him and his drinking, being mad at him, and make your own life better.
A concrete example, from my own life. My husband was the type to stop off on the way home from work for a beer. Sometimes he'd have one, and be home by 6:00, ready for supper. Sometimes he'd wander in about 7:30. Sometimes he would reel in at midnight. Sometimes he'd stay out all night. So I was always fretting - what about supper? Do we wait for him, do we eat, what do I do? How drunk is he gonna get, should I phone him, if I phone he'll be mad......
So, sometimes I would wait, make the kids wait, and then when we were all starving and the food was ruined, I'd feed the kids (too upset myself to eat by this time) and when my husband got home I'd be either on the warpath or secretly snippy, depending on how scared of him I felt that week. Either way, we'd end up having a fight, he'd yell and scream and barge out and get hammered, I'd cry and sit up all night at the window wondering where he was and what he was doing. The kids would put themselves to bed, sad and quiet.
But, sometimes, I'd feed the kids and myself, at supper time. I'd put his share in the fridge, and we'd go out for a walk, hit the playground, maybe stop for an ice cream on the way home. Bath, bed for the kids, read them a story, take a bath myself, go to bed and read. Somewhere along the line, he would have come home, heated his supper in the microwave or bought himself a burger, and (usually, not always, but usually) watch TV, read, whatever. No guilt for him, no pain for me, no fight, nice evening for the kids, everything fine. The only difference was in MY attitude and MY actions.
Sure, sometimes he'd come home blotto and pick a fight anyway. Sure, sometimes I wished I had a real partner and helper in my husband. But, given the reality of our lives at the time, which was the better choice of a way to spend the evening? When I realized that when *I* stopped yelling, there was a lot less noise in the house, was when I, and our kids, started getting better. It took my husband several more years to hit his bottom and sober up, but when I stopped adding my end to it, MY life got better. He went through some real hell his last few years of drinking, but for the most part he did not drag us through it with him, because we stopped following.
lin0606 wrote: In alanon we tell you to work on your own issues - but really "your" issues, not just the ones the A tells you are yours. If you are not happy with the way you are living, make some changes. It doesn't reeally matter all that much what the A thinks about you, or even what your counsellor thinks, but what YOU think about yourself. Are you living life to the fullest, and if not, why not. Probably you are thinking "How can I live life to the fullest with an A in my life, it's hard enough just to get through the day". So, use some of that time and energy that you are using fretting about him, worrying about him, thinking about him and his drinking, being mad at him, and make your own life better.
A concrete example, from my own life. My husband was the type to stop off on the way home from work for a beer. Sometimes he'd have one, and be home by 6:00, ready for supper. Sometimes he'd wander in about 7:30. Sometimes he would reel in at midnight. Sometimes he'd stay out all night. So I was always fretting - what about supper? Do we wait for him, do we eat, what do I do? How drunk is he gonna get, should I phone him, if I phone he'll be mad......
So, sometimes I would wait, make the kids wait, and then when we were all starving and the food was ruined, I'd feed the kids (too upset myself to eat by this time) and when my husband got home I'd be either on the warpath or secretly snippy, depending on how scared of him I felt that week. Either way, we'd end up having a fight, he'd yell and scream and barge out and get hammered, I'd cry and sit up all night at the window wondering where he was and what he was doing. The kids would put themselves to bed, sad and quiet.
But, sometimes, I'd feed the kids and myself, at supper time. I'd put his share in the fridge, and we'd go out for a walk, hit the playground, maybe stop for an ice cream on the way home. Bath, bed for the kids, read them a story, take a bath myself, go to bed and read. Somewhere along the line, he would have come home, heated his supper in the microwave or bought himself a burger, and (usually, not always, but usually) watch TV, read, whatever. No guilt for him, no pain for me, no fight, nice evening for the kids, everything fine. The only difference was in MY attitude and MY actions.
Sure, sometimes he'd come home blotto and pick a fight anyway. Sure, sometimes I wished I had a real partner and helper in my husband. But, given the reality of our lives at the time, which was the better choice of a way to spend the evening? When I realized that when *I* stopped yelling, there was a lot less noise in the house, was when I, and our kids, started getting better. It took my husband several more years to hit his bottom and sober up, but when I stopped adding my end to it, MY life got better. He went through some real hell his last few years of drinking, but for the most part he did not drag us through it with him, because we stopped following.
Wow! Everything you said makes so much sense. How did you stop yelling and getting angry? I'm not there yet.
You know, I had a sort of "Aha" moment, which to myself I call the "Not an a**hole, but an alcoholic" moment. For years I had been trying to reconcile in my mind how such a basically fine person could behave so badly, and suddenly I looked at him and thought "Wait a minute, I've got it - there's something wrong with him!" Only took me something like 15 years to figure out.....
Lin0606's story sounds something like mine. I would get so angry when AH would be at the bar and Im calling him if hes eating dinner. Most of the time..I would wait and would finally call around 6 when Im starving and I would get so pissed when he would then tell me "eat w/o me". Gee..thanks..you couldve called me up an hour again to tell me this! I got to the point where if he doesnt have the decently to call me than Im not waiting...and then if he comes home early and I dont have a plate for him..oh well...youre on your own! We fought all the time when he drank...thats why I avoided him as much as possible. I was just so tired of it. Mostly our fights was caused b/c he would be overly sensitive on everything and would always pick a fight, when he thought otherwise. Its been almost a week since AH fell off the wagon, but I can see how much our relationship has changed..which is for the better.
