Update.... - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Update....

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

((Carolina girl)

Before I say what I'm going to say - please know that this is ultimately Your choice & Your decision - Regardless of what you decide, you are still important to me & I still want the best, healthy, recovery, life for you. Please also know that you can take what you like & leave the rest.

You have made the statement about picking up his check & references to using the money. Yes, the things he did were wrong and illegal. But have you asked yourself these questions? Is it right for you to cash someone else's paycheck? What actions would you have to take to do this type of behavior? Is that amount of money worth the risk? Is there a chance he might would challenge you cashing his check? Do you want to chance being charge for forgery?

I'm sure that I could come up with all types of justification - yes, the children deserve finanical support, yes, he probably will waste the money on booze or drugs, yes, we deserve a little bit of help paying bills. But at what cost. Is it worth compromising my better judgement? Is it worth the worry or added stress? Is it worth the wrath that he would have toward you?

Only you can know, only you can answer, only you can make these decisions. Yes, there have been times in living with the active disease that I have made the decision to do things that were not on the most squeaky clean level. I did what I had to do at the time. I know a better way now. Doesn't justify the behaviors, just reminds me that I am accountable for my actions.

You have to live with your own decisions. You have to know that you can have inner peace with your choices.

Again, please know, no matter what, "though you may not like all of us, you will love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you." (Taken from the suggested Al-Anon closing)

Love & Hugs,
Rita

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((CG))))),

I say this with all the love and compassion in my heart: if it were me, I would leave it be. I know it's frustrating to support the children on your own. Truthfully I'm not a mother and to be a single mother you have my greatest admiration. But I'd rather be honest, truthful and live my life with no compromises when it comes to my standards, than take the risk you are about to take. Like Rita, I have done things in the past which I am not proud of. But taking the risk you are considering would not be worth it.

At some point, he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. At some point, so do you. Rather than trying to figure out a way to get his check, try and figure out a way to talk to someone about your legal options. As hard as it might be, apply for some extra help. I've had to in the past, and trust me, my pride was hurt. But once I did it, I realized that I wasn't alone. There were plenty of people who were just like me - one paycheck away from being homeless. We all need a little help sometimes. And absolutely, the children do deserve financial support. But there are other ways to go about getting it. Talk to as many agencies as you can.

I know you will find a way to get through this. I have great faith in you. I hear the desire and determination to work on your recovery. As daunting as that task it for all of us - you can do it. You have no idea of what you're capable of until you do it. Look what courage it took you to get him out of the house. That was huge. Be proud of yourself. Know whatever decision you make, we will always be here for you. We will never judge you, and you have our fullest support.

Love and blessings to you and your children.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know when my "Little Red" was beyond repair, a student at the local community college who was majoring and studying mechanical tech asked me if I would feel okay giving him the car. He offered $300, I don't think it was worth $100. It was a deal, and in writing.
He had a tow truck come and bring it to the work shop he and his buddies shared, and they used "Little Red" to understand how to rebuild engines, how to rebuild trans missions, all that. I mean, I was sad that I didn't have a car for darn near 6-8 months, but when I look back, this "kid" (actually my age!) and his buddies were THAT MUCH CLOSER to getting their lisensure becuase they were able to rebuild a HEALTHY engine because they had to rebuild my POS engine. So, if you feel that the car is that far beyond repair, consider this option.
Also, as painful as it is to hear, it may not be a bad idea to talk to a fellow social worker about subsidised housing, food stamps, or any of the other benefits the state of NC offers. the kids may qualify and you may not have known about it. You may be able to get some tax ride offs, too, you weren't aware of. Lastly, talking with the atty that's been handling the divorce might also make it so that funding goes directly to a "food fund"; a "clothes fund;" something specific so that you can rest at night knowng the needs are cared for.
Keep us posted.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I am certainly near the mark with the A. He is once again driving recklessly. I can definitely see how it is to be "in there". Right now the A has been served a 3 day notice. He only owes $1,000 a snip if he was working but he hasn't really worked in months has he. He always has an excuse, people owe him, people don't support him. He blames me, blames everyone. He continues on his self destructive ways. The trouble is it affects me and our dogs and our home. Now we have no home thanks to him. Now we have nowhere.

I have a tiny room and have to shelve a lot of my belongings. To say I am angry is beyond the point. There is no bottom for him. There is nothing that can stop his avalanche. I don't see any hope of getting back together with him. I see more and more and more disaster in his life.

His mother has turned her back on him. I have not yet. I am close to it. He does very little during the day except feel desperately sorry for himself and rage.

Maresie.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

If I disappear for a while you know what happened.... Just kidding of course. I very seriously doubt he would challenge my taking of his check because he knows that would leave the kids motherless and I don't think he is completely soulless. I think I would have a good argument in court anyway, I'm still his wife he IS in jail and normal people do that all the time - pick up checks for spouses when they can't. Anyway, I will see if the company will let me, if not then I won't push it. I'll do my part and see what happens. Friends say take the check and kick him in the balls the next time I see him...LOL

sash · Veteran Member

I know I am new here, but I really feel for you. In my opinion, I say "screw him." He put you and your kids in an awful position. I say cash his check (as long as he is not violent), take care of your family. If he hasn't hit rock bottom yet, maybe getting out of jail broke will be the answer. I can't think of any husband (especially an addict) who would go through the time and/or trouble of charging you with forgery. It's too much work for them.

Maybe this reply makes me mean and coldhearted, I just don't feel sympathy for them at all. Maybe I was at first, but not anymore. I just get angry.

sash · Veteran Member

carolinagirl wrote:

If I disappear for a while you know what happened.... Just kidding of course. I very seriously doubt he would challenge my taking of his check because he knows that would leave the kids motherless and I don't think he is completely soulless. I think I would have a good argument in court anyway, I'm still his wife he IS in jail and normal people do that all the time - pick up checks for spouses when they can't. Anyway, I will see if the company will let me, if not then I won't push it. I'll do my part and see what happens. Friends say take the check and kick him in the balls the next time I see him...LOL

I'm sorry, but I really like your friends!!! Ha!!!

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

please take what you like and leave the rest. im writing from fear for you and the children.  our home no longer has children in it but the past had us facing all kinds of things. one of which was something very similiar to what you are facing now.
seeing somethings   here   that i pray you will not have to face.

* taking care of you and your children is number one on your list. do the right thing. please dont do anything that would allow outsiders to take your children from you or that might take you away from your children.   i know money can be important, but never more important than doing the right thing.

have you thought to ask your AH .... to consider calling his work place and allowing them to release the paycheck to you..... and then have you bring it by for him to sign it so you can pay some bills with it?   it could be that simple. he might,  say no.   but he might say yes...that he really does want to do what is best for the family.

either way, atleast then you know where he is himself and with what his family is having to face now.   you will also know if you are going to be able to rely on him at all when it comes to continuing to care of the family or    if now   ... it is in *your hands.     assistance is there for you, all you have to do is ask.
i would ask for the help.  if he isnot willing to help, i would leave him to the jail house and turn my attention to my children. you have faith and you believe in your hp. let HP hold you now, and do what is right. life is good and all things are possible. we love you tooo   ((cg)))

you know what is right. ** I know You do. **  ((carolinagirl)) call the support agencies. let others help you with this. dont depend on your AH who ., right now, doesnt know himself.

take care of you. please dont jeopardize your freedom. please stop and think about the right actions to take.

i agree.... focus on taking care of you and your children. as you always have. get intouch with assistance. now.

your AH has to decide to find the help he needs. and he is in a good place to ask for that help now. pray he does that for himself.

your in my prayers. may hp/God show you its time to take care of you and the children now.

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