The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
STEP 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to god as we understood him.
I suppose alot of this problem is that I have been a reletively committed atheist for a while now. I mean I can be pretty open minded about theology, but I do not have what people call FAITH. I just don't. Maybe I have become mistrusting or even bitter about things. But even if I found some way of translating god into something that worked for me (like how I acknowledged a group of people as my higher power) I still have issues handing my life over and saying "it's in your hands now". I mean, hey, I wish I could, that might be a load off my mind. But it's like, I'm in this world and I have to be responsible for the decisions I make and how they affect my life. My AH lost his job, so I entered a training program and found a job. Now I make more than he did (still not much) and I have some friends and a little more independance. I never once said "higher power help me through this" I made the decision I thought was right at the time. I think I had faith before and lost it over something just like that. This step might take me a little while. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Jamie, I don't think it needs to be a matter of turning your life over literally speaking, but maybe finding something to help you sort things out and help you make you clear decisions you are confident in. Something to help you think clearly, even if it's a hot bath and a massage. (sign me up to, k?)
In our literature, It says that ones who have no belief in God or higher power, can choose other things for this step. WE can find it in Natural LAw, Universal Love, Beauty, A mountain, thunderstorm, or many of the wonders of nature, creativity, and alot of other sources. It says we can choose an inanimate object or disembodied spirit, or a force of nature, to replace God or a higher power
In step 3 we make a decision to let go of the things we hang on to. Like resentment, worry, fears, bad feelings that do not do us any good. Its like a silent permission telling us its ok to let those things go. WE deserve better, we deserve the good things life has to offer without all that hanging with us. WE allow ourselves to stop fixing and figuring out things all the time, we stop worrying so much, about the little things that seem big to us. WE take care of ourselves. WE turn our will over and drop the need to control everything around us or manipulate people and things that are not in our control. WE live our lives instead of survive it.
ITs a trust that no matter what happens in our lives or around us we know that we can be ok and deal with what comes. We let go of the control of our lives. Its taking care of ourselves and giving others the same respect to do the same (adults of course). Our will hasnt done us very good in the past. So we turn it over to someone or something that works for us.
Hope this helped you.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
If you can get your hands on a copy of How We Understood (B11) that may help you to see how others who have been where you are, found their HP. Another thing you might want to consider is reading the AA BigBook for yourself. If you think you are having a hard time defining a HP, consider how an A does it. The BigBook really gives a good foundation in finding that spiritual connection and why it is needed.
I think the whole process of turning our life and our will over is the acceptance that our best judgment, our best thinking etc got us here. If you haven't accepted that your life has become unmanagable (step one) then you will have a hard time with step three. These steps build on one another. Accepting powerlessness (step one) concedes that we don't have control over certain parts of life that we have been trying so desperatly to control. And trying to control those things has contributed to our lives becoming unmanagable. Believing (step two) that something greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity is a process. If you see that something is restoring your sanity, step three becomes easier in that you have seen the changes in yourself and whether it is a conventional god, or your group or mother nature you come to believe that it is something out side of yourself (not your determination or your will) that brought you that sanity. Then you may find it easier to (but not always easy) turn your will and your life over.
It is a process. You have no time limit to get thru these steps. We don't graduate when we get thru them -- we continue to work them. Especially the first three.
The other day I noticed a habit I have. My habit is that I try to influence things around me through my facial expressions and body language. For example, in order to get someone to change their mind, I might pout, or avert eye contact, or sometimes I attempt to influence by withholding my opinion and feelings, etc. I had to laugh at myself when I realized this. For me, this is my will--this attempt, however minute, to try to control. And, it's this will that I am giving up and giving over to an HP. When I realized this, the whole prospect of giving up my will seemed less scary.
Hi Jamie, I'm new here but not new to Al-Anon/AA. The way I see it, you probably are not ready for step 3 yet, especially since it is confusing you so much. You may have done step one and believe it...that you are powerless and your life has become unmanageable. That was the easiest step for me, as I truly wanted to work on myself and came to alanon because my life was unmanageable and I was here for the help because I CHOSE to be and I was tired of fighting the effects Alcohol had in my life because of my A. Step 2, well that's all about believing in a higher power to help restore you to sanity and help make sense of your life. If you didn't find strength in a higher power in step 2, how can you be ready for step 3? Even atheists have faith in SOMETHING. When you wake up in the morning, you have faith the sun will shine, when you flip a light switch, you have faith the light will come on, when you get in a car, you have faith it will start, faith you will remember how to drive safely and faith to drive down that road to get to your destination without getting into an accident. If you think about it long enough, you will realize almost everything in life you have to have some faith. As I see it, you need to go back and think about and rework step 2 so you can move on to step 3. Your HP is your own personal understanding. Take time to think about the little things that guide you through the day...no matter how small...like being able to get from point A to point B safely. A guy in our f2f group was having this same problem with the same thoughts as you when working step 2, the question was asked of him if he thought that he was the highest power on earth, there was nothing above him...when it was put like that, he decided to reevaluate, and it took him a little while to do step 2, but when he realized all of the things he had faith in that helped make sense of his life, THEN he was able to move on to step 3. In his case...his God as he understood "him" turned out to be the natural science type situations and the beauty of the world around him that left him breathless on occasion. I suggest strongly that you get a sponser...I think you were the one that asked the question if you NEED one to work the steps. A sponser will help you to be honest, stay on the right track and help you when you feel like you are at a dead end. There is hope...you're here...you will get through it and you have such an exciting life ahead! Just Keep Coming Back! Take care and good luck as you climb the steps to a healthy and happy you!
Aloha RJ!! And you have to be at the right place at the right time with the right amount of desire to put your post out. I see it as a decision on your part to keep searching and that is how the program comes about. You are growing. Keep coming back with the trust and honesty.
HP for me wasn't conceived in my head. I was born and raised in the church and I did service from age 9 to whenever. I studied theology, spoke latin, sang Gregorian chants, sang in the choir, read passages in front of the congregation and still would weep because I didn't think I found or felt a HP in my life even after taking part in ceremonies. I tried to conceptualize a God of my understanding in my head until in this program I found out that I was using the same head that I used to try to outwit the alcoholic. Of course up until that time everyone who had a religion they thought best was trying to get me to think their way and believe the way they put the picture across to me. It didn't work until I got here. The god I searched for when I was lost and afraid as a child never showed up and that is why I took matters into my own hands just until that god did.
What I found out for me was that when I stopped thinking a god of my understanding and started feeling a god of my understanding, (opening myself up to the maybe and not the certainty. Just surrendering the trying and practicing opening myself up to be contacted by my Higher Power), that is when my HP contacted me after I had abandoned all attempts to do that on my own. What a contact it was. I traded my alcoholic and my self centeredness for surrender to ??? and the result was I started to be touched and aware in ways I never sought and often times in face to face meetings or after reading our literature.
Today my realization of my HP is never in my head and mostly in my gut. There is no doubt and that was the journey. Keep doing what your doing. In quiet times say out loud, not in your head, "I doubt that you're real and I am willing to be shown otherwise" and then let go. HP will contact you on HP's terms and you will know that it's your HP.
Thanks for trusting the family with your journey. We're all on the same trail.
This is one of the reasons why it is a good idea to have a sponsor help you work through the steps. In your case, I would probably not choose a sponsor who has a strong faith in a conventional idea of God, but rather one who has faced this issue and found a way through.
And, there is no deadline. Stay involved in the fellowship, keeping doing your reading, keep using the tools, and you may find, a year from now, that you have different understanding of that step, and are able to take it. Personaly, I made a real leap in alanon at about the two year mark. Suddenly, things that had been confusing me became clear and easy, and I wondered what the problem had been. I tend to overthink things, and I had ben doing the program on an intellectual level. Once I started feeling it, many things changed for me.
Just wanted to encourage you to keep searching, keep asking those questions, keep looking for what is working for you - for me that is part of what this program is about - Seeking answers and our inner most feelings and realizing I have choices.
Just because one person's strength & HP is more of a conventional, organized religion type God, doesn't mean that another's who is more a power of Nature is not right either. Some even choose to let the Program of Al-Anon be their HP.
For me, it's trusting that there is someone or something who loves me unconditionally, who guides me to make the right decisions in my life and wants the very best for me.
And you get the wonderful journey of discovering your HP for yourself.
Peace & blessings to you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
RJ, I completely understand how you feel. That's a difficult concept for me too. It seems to me if you are not into "God", then you are not going to make it through this program. At the ill-fated f2f meeting I attended in Utah, that was quite plainly a part of the recovery process. One person went so far as to say that without Jesus, we were doomed to failure. Now that attitude excuses quite a lot of the population of the world!!!
I can stand in the lovely Sequoia groves in California, and I know those trees are a higher power than I, but turning myself over to them? Now that is another matter...LOL!! For me, the key is in believing that something does have higher power than me, whether it is God or the Sequoia trees or the sun or even a mountain. That leaves me, however, feeling that only I can make the decisions for my life. I take full responsibility for my relationship with the A. His responsibility is his.
Take care, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If you don't have a sponsor yet, I strongly urge you to get one. Working the steps on your own will not lead to serenity, sanity or solutions. Remember, if your solutions worked, you wouldn't have come to al anon! Secondly, step 3 is a LIFETIME step. You don't work it just once. It is progress not perfection, as you begin working more and more with your concept of a higher power. Additionally, as you begin to form a more intimate relationship with your higher power, you will find yourself trusting more and more things TO your higher power. You will seek the spiritual solution to your human problems. Keep coming back!
In the AFG I attend is an avowed athiest. She struggled with the higher power thing at first. She now has knowledge as her "higher power". Knowledge is a good thing to have. It gives better understanding and compassion to the A in our lives. The program gives us this knowledge and teaches us how better to deal with the disease of alcoholism. As I learn more about how it has affected me I search for my own recovery.
I can see where this would be difficult. Have gone through this struggle many times. I do not believe in a kind, loving, just god in the traditional sense of what I knew that to be.
Made step three rather difficult for me. In being asked to define my belief system I have come to the conclusion that I am a humanist. I believe in humanity. I believe that most people are good. This still leaves me without a higher power as I do not believe that any one person is better than another.
I have found for me that in the end this does not matter as much as I originally thought. I have not allowed myself to get hung up on this step, looking for this elusive being.
This is for today. Being an open minded person when I go through the steps again (because I also believe that this is a life-long process) things may change for me.
I have step one down pat, I know I am powerless over the alcoholic. Step two, that was also difficult. The power greater than myself when it comes to the A is all who have gone before me. This board, online meetings, face to face etc. There is an enormous amount of knowledge and wisdom to be found in these places. I can, listen, learn, utilize etc.
Now to step three. Along with speaking of a higher power in the pamphlet I have it states this. Part if this step is "directing everything we do in orderly progression instead of chaotic confusion". This I can do, not every day and often not perfectly but I can achieve this.
Hope some of this helps. Keep coming back. In alanon, lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Thanks everybody, I think I have a quite a few ideas that I can work with, give it some thought. I almost feel ready now. One thing that came up alot was sponsor sponsor sponsor!!! I do not want to come up with excuses for why I don't have one. Just understand that it's a little complicated right now but when the time is right I will have a good one. Thanks, hope everyone has one great week!!
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Jamie - I have as friend in AA that struggled with this and he used his dog as his higher power at first. He said just talking to his dog about his feelings and struggles let him get it of his chest and of course the dog always gave him a warm response when he talked to him for lengths of time. He has grown away from the dog and gone on to his sponsor, but did not share what his current HP is, but had he not found some way to start he could have never gone on in his steps. Remember these steps are not a one time deal, we go through them over and over in our journey, and each time things are a little different. I applaud you for asking for help, and accepting the encouragement to find a sponsor, you will do just fine.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
