The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been laying low lately but still reading and keeping up with everyone. Lately I have felt like I didn't have much insight to contribute, just felt so drained and depressed. I did take some good direction from my therapist and my AH and saw my PMD and got some medication for my mood swings and headaches. My doc seems to believe they are related to my hormones and body changes. Ugh!! So I spent some time today getting some unpleasant tests done to see if I'm being treated for the right problem. I will say that the medication has made me feel rather numb, but I'm not up and down on the spectrum of emotions either. My AH is drinking more these days and says one thing but does another. I have not responded or reacted. I decided if he calls me a bitch again I'm sick of yelling at him over it, just said when you can speak to me calmly without being insulting I'll talk. End of conversation. Friday was one of those days where he was just looking for a fight. I didn't engage, just didn't have the energy, nor did I care to make myself crazy.
I have realized that I take way too much crap off him. I don't have to be verbally abused or criticized, I can choose to ignore it and walk away. So when I got home he was just on this poor me kick, life sucks I'm doomed to be a failure. So he says, you need to forget about me and move to your mom's I'm going to go back to flopping from house to house and just drink and get high everyday. He says life was so easy then no responsibilities. So I said well, if that's what you want there's the door. For the first time, instead of giving advice or sharing my opinion, I just said nothing. I actively listened and that was it, didn't offer anything. After he was done, he gave me a big hug and just thanked me for listening. I had a calm weekend despite the fact that he was drinking and out for most of the weekend. The kids and I had fun.
I started Step 4 and I think this is a good place for me right now. The anxiety is tamed for now and I can focus and think about me and what I want for my life. I have secured my debit and credit cards and willing to take my chances in saying sorry I'm just not giving you the card tonight. Usually I'll go into how much he's disappointed me in the past or how he's made us financially suffer because of his addiction. Just saying no I'm not comfortable with that will hopefully be enough. I'm just going to rely on HP to meet my financial goals and stop believing that my security comes from my job or my AH's job. I'm feeling like there is some light for me at the end of the tunnel and that feels really good today. Thanks for listening.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
"I'm not comfortable with that" or "No" either one of these are wonderful COMPLETE sentences. Good for you in using those. Also good for you in not getting caught up in his disease. That is great recovery for you.
Glad you & the kids had a good time anyway - that is great for them & you.
Keep taking care of you. Hope your good day continues all week,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Wow TM! How you conducted yourself is a living example of detatchment and self care. Thanks so much for sharing that. It really does "work", doesn't it? We can transform ourselves and our world with these tools, while deliberately doing nothing at all about the A. He's still destroying himself, and it is so sad and tragic, but your kids had great Mommy time and in their own way are more secure because of the work you are doing for yourself and them.
GOOD! So glad to hear that you're feeeling more stable. I hope you feel better. Isn't it better to just let people make their own decisions than play into their emotional blackmail?
