The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted last week. I so appreciate the responses. Hard as they are to hear sometimes. Someone had posted that we Alanoners stay in the blame game saying our unhappiness is all the A's fault. I could see that in my post when I reread what I had written. It is kinda like a chess game - when he does this, then I do that, when he does that, I do this. So in my mind I don't have to be responsible for my feelings or actions because I say I am only responding to what he does. I have a life to live and maybe kinda hide out behind the A without a clue as to what I should be doing with my own life.
Well, after that post, my AHsober and I had two conversations. One went terribly with both of us name calling and the other was civil. I react, react, react. And again I think I just spend way too much time thinking about what he is doing or not doing. And not enough time making my plan and sticking to it. Progress not perfection. I know I am making progress. Keep posting and keeping me honest.
Oh can I relate Nancy! There is this "moment in time" between his action and my reaction when I make a choice how to respond. Not until this last time in Alanon did I realize it was there. I also believed if I did not react with anger or at least speak sharply and tell the A he was full of it, I was being a doormat. And, maybe, just maybe, I'd say the right thing at the right time to make him THINK . . . he certainly wasn't bringing up our very serious problems, and someone had to . . . ad nauseum, you know!
By reacting with anger, I only got angry and then had to deal with the fallout . . . floods and floods of resentment, worry, pain, wondering what I would do if he did x or y or z.
I realize I don't have to say or do anything in response. I can see he'll be very sorry if he does x, or thinks x, but I still don't HAVE to respond. He'll do what he does, he always has, and I'm beginning to 'get it' that it's not my place to run his life anyway.
At the same time there are certain things that are so far beyond the beyonds I will react. When a boundary is crossed and it affects my welfare, or that of the farm, I will take action. It's important for me to plan ahead for these instances, plan what I will do and say, make sure they are actions/words that count, and that I can repeat every time the situation occurs. He can say 'words' to me all he wants, and run himself into the ground, but there's a line across which it is important for me to rise up and take appropriate action.
Good Morning, I read your previous post and thought of lots of things to tell you of my own experiences but didn't, it looked like you were making progress....then I saw this posting and thought "everything has perfect timing" (from the language of letting go) you are right where your supposed to be, I found that when I started believing that in my heart things started changing for me and life became easier....we are right where we are supposed to be to get to where we are going...hang in there, you're doing great....remember to be gentle with yourself... Hugs Mar
I think one of the hardest things I'm having to learn is how to un wire my buttons. No one knows better than my father how to find and push the buttons. But so long as I am actively letting him, the emotional sensitivities will be vulnerable. Perhaps doing an inventory with a sponsor will help you to see what is setting you off with your loved one. Looking for patterns will allow you to see where you are at your most vulnerable and where you are at your most explosive. Then, over time, working on these will allow you to see how to discharge the volitility.
Whenever I read your posts I gain such insight into myself. I thank you for that. It sounds like you are doing better. Your relationship with hubby reminds me of my relationship with my sister in a wierd way. I really let her get the better of me this weekend! I know better than to do that! On top of that I let her get to me at work, which just added to the bad weekend at work. WILL I EVER LEARN? Well I have decided I need to do what I use to do when she would scream at me in an attempt to bait me into an argument. I use to close the bedroom door and lock it! I put on some music and let her scream at me through the door until she got tired. Now I have to mentally do that. I am just NOT going to waste my time and energy when she gets like this. I understand she has issues, but I am NOT her punching bag. I do not need the angst she causes when I let her get to me. I can take all the emotional and physcial energy and redirect it. It's the only way I'm going to get along with her. Thanks for the reminder.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 11:56, 2007-03-26
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know better than to do that! On top of that I let her get to me at work, which just added to the bad weekend at work. WILL I EVER LEARN? 
Well I have decided I need to do what I use to do when she would scream at me in an attempt to bait me into an argument. I use to close the bedroom door and lock it! I put on some music and let her scream at me through the door until she got tired. Now I have to mentally do that. I am just NOT going to waste my time and energy when she gets like this. I understand she has issues, but I am NOT her punching bag. I do not need the angst she causes when I let her get to me. I can take all the emotional and physcial energy and redirect it. It's the only way I'm going to get along with her. Thanks for the reminder.