The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's my birthday today and for some reason, every year on this day, I get a lump in my throat and get a little teary. Not because I'm a year older (omigod). I fact, I'm not even sure why but I do believe it has to do with co-dependency. On this particular day I just feel more unloved and lonely than others. My kids, my A, and my Mom always acknowledged it with a gift or two and kisses. Of course they mean well and I thank them but still I feel an emptiness. It feels like it's not enough and nothing they can do or say will be enough. After they give me their gift, I've always gone in the bathroom and got weepy for a few minutes. Here it is my birthday, they've paid attention to it however brief but I feel like saying " I want more love!! I want someone to be happy for and with me! Celebrate!" I cannot explain why I would feel this way when they already have done that. There is just a feeling of emptiness. And then I get quiet for the rest of the day, sending out signals that I am not happy. They don't know what's the matter and everyone is uncomfortable. Once, my daughter said "Mommy, what's wrong?" and all I said was "nothing. I'm alright". Then I felt guilty. She's such a sweetheart and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But I don't know what's wrong. All I know is that I can't wait till the day is over so that the next day I'll be back to "normal". This year, my kids are all gone on their own. My 2 daughters called and one had a beautiful fruit basket delivered to my job. I was thrilled. One of my son's called to chat, to tell me Happy Birthday and that he loved me. I almost cried. My A came over this morning and ate the breakfast I offered ( he came while I was cooking my breakfast), gave me a birthday kiss and then left for most of the day. I thought I'd get more than that - a gift, a an extra hug, a lunch or dinner "date" - anything. I guess I thought it because he's been back in program, acting good towards me and we've been doing well together lately. So, since it was such a nice, sunny day, I got in my car and took a drive. Put on my favorite CD. It was nice. Then I stopped and bought myself a pretty bouquet of flowers. My A was here when I got back but he didn't ask where I'd been or where the flowers came from. It just makes me feel sad. Then he'll wonder why, won't be able to "figure women out", and then head on back to his place. And I still can't wait for tomorrow to get here. Thanks for 'listening"...Jaja
I can only tell you that it seems I have felt that way on my birthday all my life.
Now at my age, and after being in this program, I am thinking no matter what others do to show their love and care, it is never enough if I don't love myself!
I really think that's what has been missing in me ....loving myself.
Jaja, you sound just like me. My birthday was last Sat., and tho husband did get me a new computer chair, and a bouquet of flowers and a silly card, I wanted MORE! Not material things! Just MORE ATTENTION, MORE LOVE, MORE ACCEPTANCE......more something I cannot put my finger on... So, you are not crazy and you are not alone. I just want to be special in the eyes of the man I love. Happy Birthday, though! You are special to us! Love in Recovery, Becky1
I too have felt that way on birthdays. Not one year that we had been together did my A do anything special. Usually not even a gift or kiss or even a 'happy birthday' until after someone else had said something to remind him that it was my birthday. Then every year he would say he would do better the next time. I understand it's not about the gifts, but about the time that could be very special. Last year, I decided I would just have a great time by myself and my kids. My birthday is in July so we went to a water park with my sis and her kids. We had a blast playing in the water all day then we left the kids with a babysitter and had a wonderful dinner at a great restaurant. It was nice to dress up and have a nice evening with my twin sis so it was a great day all in all. AH asked where I had been when I got back and I just told him on "an outing with my sis nothing special". My little secret fun birthday night and it felt good (which sounds devious, I know.) He figured out the next morning the previous day had been my birthday.
Try to make it a special day for you even if it's just a little pampering tonight with a good book and bubble bath. Happy Birthday! :o) Lots of love and hugs!
One of the wisest gifts my mother gave to me was this: CELEBRATE THE JOY OF BEING YOU AND WHO YOU ARE! If you don't no one will. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. If I don't celebrate who I am? Who will? I know that feeling of being alone on my birthdays. It can hurt. But look what you did. You cried (no big deal), you went out for a drive and did something nice for you. YOU DID GREAT! CELEBRATE THAT!
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Jaja, our birthdays are to be celebrated like no other days of the year. This is the one day that is truly yours. You are special on that day, and your birthday is your chance to tell everyone you ARE special. That I have been allowed to live long enough to celebrate another one is enough to bring me total JOY!!!
Happy Birthday!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:09, 2007-03-26
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
jaja..first let me wish you a Happy Birthday!!!! For me birthdays are a celebration of life..and my birthday is a day to celebrate me. I too spent many years feeling down on my birthday because it wasn't what the day I wanted it to be. My exAH didn't seem to or want to make it a special day for me. I wanted just one day a year to be about me. When I left him I decided that my birthday was going to be my day. My sponsor suggested once that others cannot read my mind. The same way I can't read theirs. If I want something I have to make my needs known. When it comes to my birthday I do let others know that I want a "me" day. I want to celebrate my day. At first it felt selfish...but it also helped make my birthday a good one. It doesn't feel that way anymore. I take the day off work if it's a work day. And I also decide what I want to do..and I invite my children(who are grown) and my AH (sober) to share the activity with me. This year..we went bowling....boy did we have fun. My son had the day off..my daughter lives 2 hrs away and couldn't make it, but she called and we had a great talk. My son took hubby and me out to dinner and we had a great day. I do let my friends know it's going to be my birthday and go to breakfast with someone or go to a movie. Doesn't have to be on the birthday, but somewhere around there. This is part of me taking care of me...I am worth it. You are too!!!!!! Celebrate you. Don't know if this helps or not...but it is how I chose to celebrate my day.
I can relate very very much. We are where we are. No one can jolly you into feeling differently. At the same time for me there are limits. The A once took one of his friends out on my birthday. I stopped doing a lot with him after that. He will still wedge people in between us all the time.
