The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, HP. I give up. I keep praying and asking you for a sign of what I should do. I must be deaf, blind, and mentally challenged........ Those of you who know me, know I have been in and around Alanon for a little over a year. I actually went to a few meetings 20+ years ago, when I was married to another A. But when we split up, I stopped going. Didn't think I needed it, after all, I wasn't the one with the problem, right? The next time I went to a meeting was on March 3, 2005. I know that because I bought the "Courage to Change" book that night and wrote the date inside. Husband and I were separated 3.5 months due to a very long story which some of you know. When I went in that room, even tho I knew better, I was still looking for some kind of information on how to make my A straighten up. After he returned home later that spring, I stopped again. I was just too happy and excited to have him home and wanted to spend every minute with him. But, he wasn't happy anymore. The disease was progressing. On Jan. 1, 2006, I was directed to MIP. At last I felt at home. I could type and talk and read to my heart's content (I love, love, love to read!) I went to chat. I met some wonderful people. I found love, and acceptance from them. But I still did not love myself enough to do what I needed to do. In 2006, I went to a few more Alanon meetings, but was basically bored to tears. It was a very small meeting, and I just didn't feel I got much out of it. I liked it better here, in MIP. So, I stopped meetings. I misplaced the phone #'s of the members. Besides, if I did come home from work, and hubby was in a good mood, I didn't want to leave him and go sit with a bunch of old ladies talking about working steps, and all that. All I needed to do was find some way to make my husband love me again, and hopefully get sober. But, I was willing to take him any way I could get him. During 2006, hubby left me a couple of more times. I was always devastated. He was often mean, blaming, hateful. I cried more times than not. In between his rages, there were periods of calm. He never talked about not drinking, and did not apologize for his behavior. I would just sweep it all under the rug and try to go on with our lives. This past Friday I was in Chat. Hubby was drinking with his friends across the street as usual. A lady in chat kept telling me to go to a f2f meeting. I kept making excuses. She didn't let up on me. A couple of others joined in with her. I kinda felt ganged up on, but they were being nice about it, but insistent. I was thinking, well, gee whiz, I'm HERE...doesn't that count for anything??? Saturday morning, husband and I had a little blow-up. I started pressuring him about intimacy, why we didn't have it. I followed him into the shower I mean, how much fighting are we gonna do naked and in a little tiny shower? Well, he got mad and got out. Wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I got out and followed him thru the house, dripping as I went, and shouting (something I don't ever do). I started blaming his mother for stuff (long story, again), saying some terrible things, and as he was getting dressed, he said he thought we needed to just give up and get a divorce...I screamed that I loved him, and I said I wasn't going anywhere. The last words we had, as he was leaving, was from me..."I WISH I WERE F-ING DEAD!" Then I spent the rest of the morning here in chat, being hysterical, and takingt time out to puke. Whoa. Has anyone seen my serenity? I seem to have misplaced it, along with my mind. That was Sat. morning. Now it is Sunday afternoon. I have not heard from him. I do not know where he is. I have not called his cell phone, or his friends, or driven around looking for him. I tried to find an Alanon meeting last night, but there were none even remotely close to me. But....I did find an open AA meeting about 25 miles away, in an unfamiliar part of what I consider a big city, where I hate to drive, especially when I don't know where I am going. And it was dark. And raining. I have terrible night blindness. But I printed out the map, and I went to the meeting. I cried a little during the lead, but felt a little better. Met an Alanoner whose partner was giving the lead. Helped a lady celebrate her 10 year anniversary of sobriety with cake. Got home, went to bed (it was very late for me!) and slept all night. Alone. This morning, I got up, got dressed, and drove to another open AA meeting, to hear another lead. Tonight, I am going to another open AA meeting to hear another lead. I am going back to the Alanon meeting Tues., or I may try another one that is on Thursday. There are way more AA meetings around here than there are Alanon. I was greeted kindly at both meetings, and introduced myself as a grateful member of Alanon. When I looked in the bright, clear eyes of these men and women, who are funny, smart, and kind, I found hope again. Hope for me. I got so used to seeing the red, foggy eyes of my husband, I kinda forgot what the eyes of a sober person looked like. I was told by someone The other day that I liked going to open AA meetings because I could relax and not focus on myself. That I was still trying to just figure out my husband. But I disagree. I like hearing the leads. I love the stories of triumph, and continued recovery. It makes me feel that no matter how bad things are, good things can still happen. That is important to me. I wish the Alanon meetings around here had more leads. I like hearing people talk about how it was, what happened, and how it is now. Last Saturday, I celebrated my birthday. This Saturday, I celebrated my new program of recovery. I finally realize that, no matter how much I love my husband, and how much I want him to get better, I am not doing him any favors (let alone myself) if I do not find and stay in a program of recovery. And I need more than MIP. I need more than just reading books and posts. I need more than chat. I need meetings. I need to listen to HP. I just need to slow down and listen. And do the work. I need to really work the steps. I have struggled just getting past Step 1, and I have been here over a year. Today, my heart aches. I have cried a few times. I miss my husband. I really miss the closeness we once shared, the fun we used to have, the things we used to do together. All the little secret things we had between just us two. He says he hates me, but I think he hates himself. Truth is, I hated myself too. Today, I have to love my husband enough to let him find his own recovery, if that is possible. I have to love him enough to let HP take care of him, because I haven't done such a great job. All I did was get in the way. I have had a hard time accepting that my love is not enough to "cure" him. I am not God. Why do I keep trying to act like I am?????? I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know when or if he is coming home. I do not know if we will save our marriage. All I know is that I am not the one who will leave. This is the only relationship I have not wanted to leave. If he chooses to leave, no amount of love from me can make him stay. I can say, with all certainty, that he is the last man for me. I just don't have any heart left to give any other man. I just pray that HP continues to bless me with the spirit I have today. I am holding on with all that I have. I know HP will not drop me. I know HP has His arms around my husband as well. Sorry this is so long......have had a lot stored up. Thanks for being here, my trusted friends. I love you all. Love in Recovery, Becky1
My heart goes out to you. Reading your post about the lost closeness with your husband rang so familar with me. I think you and I feel alot alike when it comes to our men. I would look at hub and get so sad because we used to be so close and share everything then as the alcoholism took him in deeper and deeper a complete stranger stared back at me. I had forgotten how pretty his blue eyes were because they were tinged yellow and red all the time.
Long story short, I gave it all up to HP and started taking care of myself first. I am doing so much better and feel so much stronger. Hub is sober now has been for little over a month. We are not back together, but are working on him getting to know his children the right way and on getting to know each other again. One thing is for certain for me, I will not live with an active A again. I am working on my program and letting him work on his without interfering. We will see what HP has in store for us as it comes along.
Becky, just continue to do what is right for you and taking care of yourself first. We never know what will come of the A, but if we are strong in our program and have faith in our HP then we can be ready for anything. You and your hub are in my thoughts and prayers.
By the way, I like going to AA meetings. They are easier to find here too than Alanon. I have a great Alanon group that I always go to, but I like to catch an AA meeting every few days too. I don't go to the same meeting that hub has started going to though. I want that to be all his without my interference.
You go, take care of you and continue to grow. Your presence, caring, and wisdom on this site has some days helped to keep this girls sanity. Take what you need for yourself, find a meeting you like. WAY TO GROW!!!!
love lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
When I first started attending meetings we only had a combined meeting and very few people at that. I learned soooo much from those meetings!!!! I know that I would not be where I'm at now if I had not had those AA meetings to attend and learned the things about the disease. Hugs to you and much love on your journey ...glad you are here with us!!
My heart goes out to you. I am going thru the same thing. My husband and I got back together about 3 months ago after one of our many seperations. I left him about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Nothing had changed. I was like you. Before my husband and I got back together this last time I spent a lot of time on this board and going to 1 meeting a week. After we got back together, like you, I didn't want to leave my husband and go to a meeting. I've been in Alanon about 6 months longer than you and here I sit once again seperated from my husband. I'm hard-headed and it's taken me a long time to hit my bottom. You have to hurt enough to want to change and now I'm hurt enough. I know that I don't ever want to be in that place again where I am putting up with unacceptable behavior. Where I'm getting hurt over and over again. Where somewhere along the way I lost myself because I was too involved in his disease.
It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery. I know that there will be times when we may stray away from our path but Alanon and it's fellowship will always be here for us when we decide to come back.
Tough isn't it? I have said those same words many times. Why? Where are you going? Come back! And the hardest thing of all is to remember that it isn't about us it is about the disease of alcoholism. I went to an open AA meeting a couple of weeks ago. I knew I couldn't wait one more day for my Alanon meeting. I walked in and had a great sense of relief immediately. To hear the stories of everyone's struggles and successes. Keep focusing on yourself.
I mean, how much fighting are we gonna do naked and in a little tiny shower? Well, he got mad and got out. Wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I got out and followed him thru the house, dripping as I went, and shouting (something I don't ever do). I started blaming his mother for stuff (long story, again), saying some terrible things, and as he was getting dressed, he said he thought we needed to just give up and get a divorce...I screamed that I loved him, and I said I wasn't going anywhere.
