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I just wanted to let everyone know that after talking with the courts they would not issue a restraining order. Didn't feel that it met the "requirements" here. I am so angry I don't know what to do, but, yet I am so confused. In my state it the restraining order refers to adults doing things to other adults...there is a child abuse restraining order...but he did'nt do anything "severe" enough to fit into those guidelines...those ones also cover sexual abuse.
I know there are others how have gone through this and please I am hoping that you will share with me your stories. When things like this happen and I am so upset and think I can handle this anymore...when I see him not when he has not drank...(which is not very often anymore) I think maybe it is all me!!!!!!!
I can't stand that feeling, he tells me that I should go to counseling and work it out my life issues and then it will be fine...WHAT THE HECK does that mean!!!!!
I feel like such a fool, a terrible mother and person, I can't seem to grow a back bone...I keep flip/flopping back and forth on what else I can do.....it hurts me so much when he acts like he could care less what I do.....maybe it's not a act.
But, tell me this...is it normal for someone to hide booze bottles, drink at 7AM...drink a bottle of whiskey a day????????????? If so, please tell me...because then I will beleive that someone this is MY problem. I am sick and tired of being told to "work" on my issues.
Sorry...for the ramble...I am so, so upset with myself and this whole thing called a marriage.
Just because you weren't given an RO this time doesn't mean you can't get one at all. There are others who can share their stories with you about RO's, but my guess is that there are certain buzz words that will get a court's attention.
Another thought I had is to consult with Child Protective Services about your situation. Don't be afraid to involve them. If CPS is involved/aware of your situation, perhaps the court will consider your situation "justified". You may have got the wrong person on a stressed out day. But don't give up, remember big moves like you are making (with definite backbone, I might add) are processes.
Your reasons for protecting your children can't be crazy. Anything coming out of his alcoholic mouth telling you it's all in your head is classic deflection BS. Your part in this is 'surrendering' your sense of right and wrong when you didn't get what you needed immediately. Like I said, just because you didn't get the RO immediately when you asked means nothing in the long term, nothing about your request, nothing about whether you are right or wrong, crazy or sane. Notice how you jumped to a very catastrophic conclusion?? It's really not true. It's a blow, but just means you need more resources and 'ammo' :bigsmile: .
Whether or not "he" cares what you do, we know YOU CARE what you do, and we care.
My house was entirely unmanagable. I had a physical altercation w/ my 13 yo daughter which led to me calling the cops. My son expressed concerns to his school counselor, Division of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) NJ's child protective services, told me I could not leave any of my children alone with my wife. She attempted suicide while we had left for the weekend. My 13 yo daughter found her and while I checked to see if she was alive, found the suicide note. Days later, my 14 yo dauther who had emeshment issues w/ my wife was hospitalized. Days later, my 13 yo had an Emergency Psych Eval. They called the childs floor at the hospital and they would not allow two siblings on the floor. I'd have 3 family members hospitalized and one in a hospital 1 or 2 hours away. They put in her IOP (Intensive Out Patient).
My children expressed concerns with my wife coming home to both DYFS and to our DYFS imposed (willingly and thankfully) counseling.
About 2 month after this, my wife who I was not allowing to live at home finally decided to attend a rehab. They released her when the insurance ran out.
I went to court. I had DYFS telling me to file for the restraining order. Since she was not home for 3 months, they said I had no grounds. While waiting for my turn in the court room, I asked my HP to guide my words and actions. I told my HP that I would accept any outcome as his/her will.
I was denied. The reasoning being, since she hasn't been home in 3 months, she hasn't been a danger. This is even though I had a domestic voilence complaint that gave me the obtion of filing for a TRO.
As I drove home, I thought about the acceptance, thought that this was part of a larger plan and I was able to walk in the door with compassion and acceptance. My A was shocked ! So was I. That is how I handled the fact that I did not get my will in this particular occasion.
Rewind back further. While almost all of my wife's counselors saw many of my points, more than one told me that I was Co-dependent and controlling. What? Me? She is the mentally ill, she is the drunk. My issues ?
I went to Al-anon because I needed help in dealing w/ this. For me, I found that I can't fix others issues. I read the literature and listended to the shares. I had many of the same traits that many of those shared. These were and are my issues. This was where I could work. This was where I could make a difference.
When I worked on my issues. It created movement in the mobile of our family. I changed and therefore balance and weight shifted in other directions. Some others issues got worked out as I dealth with mine, others didn't. I can't force them to change, but I can work on change for the better with me.
Is it normal to hide bottles ? No.
Is it normal to do searching for them? I can say I understand the searching for them, and what I thought I'd accomplish. I'll leave whether it was normal to you.
Was it normal for my A to drive off under the influence of meds? No. Was it normal for me to jump in back of the car? Was it normal for my sis in law to reach in the window while the window was closing and try to unlock it? Was it normal for me to jump through the hatchback?
When my A would tell me I thought I was perfect, I'd reply "I know I'm not but I like to play the odds." Was that normal? Is it normal to go thru the garbage trying to figure out why your A threw out a almost empty bag of gargabe? (there are those present that remember that event live and in person in chat, LOL).
I don't know about you, I have my own issues. The beauty of this program is the true empowerment that comes from working on my own issues. I've always wanted fix someone. Now I can finally make some progress in that regard. LOL What is amazing is how much I control I have, when I admit those things over which I'm powerless.
Keep coming back. Your in the right place. No matter where your A is. :)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Well, hon, "work on your own issues" is what alanon is telling you to do, too. Not because what he does is all right. Not because he is 'normal'. The reason you work on your own end of things is because it is all that is possible.
If you are changing your mind 15 times a day and don't know what is real anymore, that is a sign from your higher power. Stop, breathe and listen. Make your plans in smaller chunks, think before you act, don't talk unless you really have something that needs to be said. If you are not sure what to do, don't do anything for a bit. Examine your motivations, and if they are unclear to you, just let a bit of time pass, let the dust settle.
If a restraining order really is the right thing to do, it will still be right next week. You can see a counsellor, to help you get a little clarity, you can talk to a lawyer, to understand your rights and obligations. You can get your ducks in a row and do the right thing.
For many years, I resisted the idea that the chaos in our lives had anything to do with me. I felt that if I admitted that I had issues, it would be as if I were saying that the horrible things he said and did were OK - that if ANY of it were my fault, then somehow, it would ALL be my fault. It was only when I stopped looking for fault and blame, and started finding ways to change my behaviour to make things different, that anything changed. I still find it very hard to talk to my A about this - he takes any admission of my part in things as absolution for his part. But - it's not a contest. There are no winners and losers. His reaction is not my concern. My concern is MY actions, and how they can be healthier. If I admit that I have made mistakes, that does not mean that it is OK for him to treat me badly. If I admit that I was wrong, it does not mean that he was right. It just means that I intend to try something better next time.
There ARE certian "buzz" words that will get the courts attention. You have to let them know you are "scared" that he gets "out of control" when drinking and you feel "threatened" when asked if he has ever hurt you or threatened to hurt you (not the kids, in AZ it's a whole different court) you dig down deep to even if he has ever gotten in your face. If he has EVER laid a finger (yes even a simple finger) on you when he was angry or upset.
One restraining order I got against my husband was years ago, he had a switch blade collection and when drunk he liked to bring it out. He would sit next to me and open those knives, he would pop them open right next to my face. I used that to get an order. I have also made it clear that him SOBER would never hurt me but that he starts getting angry at himself and then turns it on me when he drinks.
Hope this helps. When your Higher Power thinks it is a right time the RO will be easy to get. Trust me though, you have to be ready for it and maybe your HP didn't think you were ready.
Hello, I have read back all your posts and am so suprised at how similar we sound. My A drank at work everyday which was doubly awful because he was a driver. I talked, fought, reasoned, cried about it but he would not stop; or worse, deny it ever happened. He hides bottles everywhere and no it is not normal. He has ruled our house through intimidation, yet has never physically hurt (or at least very much) any of us. He breaks stuff, punches walls, and cussed me out infront of the neighbors. He has come home drunk and woke the girls up and bullied them around. He also does it in the middle of the day...sober. We fight when I intervene- they don't respect him and it's my fault he says. When I first read your post, I told the story to him, but I said it was a friend from work. He fully agreed, you should get a restraining order, you have a duty to protect your kids, the father wants someone to push around, and putting an 8 year old infront of him is not fair to her. How can this be? He does crap that that all the time and finds away to justify it EVERY TIME. Sorry, I don't know if I am helping you very much. Maybe just be patient with your plan to leave him, establish a support network, save your own money, keep the kids as happy as you can; at least that's what I'm doing. your friend in recovery Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Hey It took a lot to go to get the R order and to stand up and face this is abuse.
Just becuz the courts are indiots, does not mean you were not appropriate in what you did.
It will happen again. Find out what the "requirements" are for adult to adult and adult to child. Then "DO" what you have to do to play the game to protect your child.
I am not going to tell you to work on you. I am going to invite you to cont in alanon. Go to f2f and or come to meetings here. see if you can find a womans support group or a class on personal issues to help you see how great you are.
Set boundaries for the A. Tell him Daughter is afraid of him and what she says.
It is very ok to say no drinking at home or being drunk at home as it is not safe for daughter.
I am not sure if he is supporting you, but at this point what makes you stay or he is staying becuz?
I feel as mothers we are responsible for our kids. Plus we have to protect them.
don't give up, make goals and stick to them. Be good to you and ignore what the A disease says, it means nothing. do you feel bad if someone says something to you strange when they have a fever? On medical drugs?
