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It has only been 3 weeks since I was told about my brothers problems. My parents and my family and another brother - we all live in West Virginia. My brother with the problems lives in Utah. Being so far away he has lied and kept secrets for several years we are finding out now. It was only in the 4 - 6 weeks that my parents could not get him to answer the phone so my other brother decided to call him at work, and that is when a co worker filled him in. At that time he was in the hosptal with several medical issues. Evidently this has been going on for years, he told his co workers that he did not have a family to speak of and that we did not care. We did not know !!!!! About 3 years ago I was very sick and he came home (I was supposed to die, but decided against it) at that time he had made a comment to my other brother that he drank too much. Now my other brother is kicking himself for not taking that conversation further. He also had gained a lot of weight and did not look great, but compared to me he looked great. And the 3 of us were hitting our forties. But at the time the world was revolving around my medical problems. He got a DUI several weeks ago and was forced to call my parents to bail him out. This week he has not left his house and did not go to work at all. So on Wednesday my other brother set out in a car to drive west. He arrived in Utah this evening and found a very bad mess. His boss was at his house forcing him to sign a resignation letter or be fired. So now he has lost a very good job with the National Forest Service. He has been on a binge all week, of course my Mom told him that the other brother was headed out west, which I think made him go even deeper because he knew that when he got there the drinking was going to stop as long as he is there. When Mom asked him why he was drinking he said it made the pain in his head go away. He thinks he has a brain tumor, I did , and my head never hurt. He is suicidal right now. He says he has nothing to live for. He hates the region he is living in and says he has no friends , of course this is basically what he told the people at work about his family. Right now I believe we just have to save his life, my parents are worred about things like his house and truck payments and how are we going to make them . I say we don't that he can lose them, he can declare bankruptcy later. Right now the plan is to get him sober by Monday, go to the courthouse and address the DUI and see if it can be transferred to WV for community service, etc. Then drag his rear end back to WV, and then we are going to commit him. We need him to be here, we can not keep going out west.
We are probably doing some things wrong, but we can not let him just kill himself. We have no idea what we are doing, and that is why I say we are on a wing and a prayer. My parents are 66 and 74, Dad looks horrible and Mom can't stop crying. I am a social worker in an infant and toddler program, so I do not know about addictions but I have connections and I went and got a bunch of info from some collateral colleages today and I personally know the mental health officer in our town so she told me what I have to do to have him committed when we get him back here. Of course my Mom is just horrified that I went to the mental health facility which is where I used to work when the infant/toddler program was housed there but she is horrified that I went there and talked to the Substance Abuse division and she is so embarrassed for me. I am not embarrassed for me, I think it is helpful that I know where to go and who to ask.
Well this is probably much too long and much more than what you want to hear........so what do we do, and what do we do next ?????
Hi, and welcome to alanon. Sounds like you have all had a shock, and are very broken up just now. I guess the first place to start would be with the three Cs - You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.
Of course you want to do what you can to help your brother. Realistically, though, there is not a lot that you can do, most of it needs to be done by him. So, as much as possible, I would try to keep your parents from heroic measures - the more you do to keep your brother's actions from having dire consequences, the more he knows that his behaviour can continue. Some basic guidelines that we find are good to follow are "Don't do for others what they can do for themselves" and "Neither create a crisis, nor prevent one from happening if it is in the natural course of events." In other words, the alanon program is mostly about being loving and supportive, but standing back and letting the alcoholic embrace the help he needs. In general, forced recovery is no recovery at all - relapse is enevitible. The only way he will truly get better is if he wants it bad enough. It's the old "lead a horse to water " thing.
The other main thing alanon is about is helping ourselves - finding a way to live with the reality of this disease without being destroyed. An important part of this, for your parents especially, is to remember that they have done nothing to be ashamed of. If there is any shame here (and I believe there really isn't much, it's a disease, as much as your tumour was) your brother can feel it - he's a big boy. The best approach for your own well being is that which would work for any not-quite-socially acceptable ailment (AIDS or any mental illness, say) - hold your head high, spit in their eye, and pity their ignorance. Your brothere is not a bad man, he is a sick one. His sickness may lead him to do some bad things - if so, they are his to make amends for. What we try for here is 'detachment with love' - we are not the alcoholic, and we do not need to be ashamed of his actions.
Welcome to our program, there is help for you here. If at all possible, try to get to some face to face meetings (this may be espeicaily helpful for your mother - she may be surprised at who she sees there!) Thay are anonymous, and safe.
Many don't want to hear this, it is not what they expect.
But you all need to do NOTHING. He has to want to get help, walk into AA, go to detox and get himself into rehab.
I can almost guarentee if you do what you say here, he will get out and use again.
The disease is so horrible that they have to be so miserable, so desperate to be able to say, this is enough, I cannot take it anymore, and THEY get themselves to help.
When we do it, we rob them of the chance of getting well. We are enabling the disease.
If you lock him up, the first thing he will do is use when he is free. I mean a ninety nine per cent chance.
I know you love him, the way you show that is by letting go. It is the hardest thing to do.
I tried what you did more than once. NEVER worked.
You are right, he needs to lose his car and everything, he needs to lose his home. But if you take him in, you are only babysitting him and getting the disease well enough to take over again. In other words you are you are putting off the inevitable and the disease will take the whole family down too.
If anyone gives him a dime, or pays for anything, you might as well throw it in the toilet.
A's lie, manipulate and all they care about is getting their drug.
He knows what you are doing, I can almost guarentee if you guys commit him and he is not locked up, he will leave when he can walk. They he will cont. on his goal to get his drug.
He will lie to you, steal from you and others to do it.
If you guys bring him home, gads it just scares me to death.
Getting Them Sober is the book you may want to get.
I hate to tell you all this, but it is the truth. Keep coming back.
I realize that he has to want it, but we can not communicate with him when he is halfway across the country. Now that we have found out we can not just say "sorry about your luck" and walk away. We have to bring him home. My other brother and I have no intention of making anything easy, we have no intention of giving him any money or anything like that. But we can not do this with him in Utah. You have to realize that our parents at at that point in life where they are living on the edge of being Senior Citizen and Elderly, if that makes sense --- they are both sorta of healthy Mom just got new knees and Dad needs a new heart valve. But one illness, not recovering from a surgery well, or a fall and they will be dependent elderly. Neither one of them could really make a car trip to Utah. And this is killing them. My other brother works on the barges on the Mississippi for 20 - 25 days at a time and then he is off for about 20 days. I could make the trip in the car but flying is out of the question for me - I am a brain tumor survivor. So whether it is right or wrong he is coming back to WV.
Oh yes has he ever He has lied this is obivious if we are only about 3 - 6 weeks into this thing . He has been lieing about it for years. He hasn't stolen from us because he has been too far away, although my hubby and I have already had this conversation about proofing certain things around our house in case he stops by here. We are also know we are going to have sit down our young adult children that still live here (college students) about not giving him money , etc. And I do worry that the youngest one who is still at that life is a party stage thinking it would be cool to party with his uncle.
Well he is losing everything right now. He lost his job, and it was a very good high ranking federal job. I don't want to say much but think about any of the big fires out west in the last 10 years - you know the guys that jump out of planes into the fires......and when there were no fires he did research. He has also lost his house, my other brother found all kinds of unopened mail from the bank - he is homeless the middle of next month. He has lost his health. He is 40 years old and he has heart problems, liver enzyme probs, high blood pressure, high cholestral.
When my other brother got there Friday evening he was out of his mind, but he is detoxing now and he is much more reasonable. One comment he made today was that he is glad we found out now so he can stop, he just never knew how to call and say "hey sis I am alcoholic and I am screwing up my life. " At this point he does say that his life is over out there and he wants to stop and he wants to go home. I told my parents not to think that he has taken his last drink it is not that easy.
I do understand what you are saying, but please understand we are not planning a total clean up for him, we are just moving his entire mess where it is within an arm's reach. I know at this point that my Dad does understand that the house and the truck and the cabin in Oregan are all gone and we are not going to save them. Mom has not come to that conclusion yet so she is a little mad at my other brother and I at the moment because we are not going to save his stuff. Not that either one of us is wealthy but between the 2 of us if we cleaned out savings, 401 K's, CD's etc we could save it all in an instant. And we do not want him to move in with us (I have 3 college students still living here and with my other brothers job it would not work out) or my parents. I am working on getting him into a Fellowship Home where he can live for 1 year and there are rules and counseling and AA meetings right on site and he was to pay rent - it is not a free ride.
Maybe I am wrong but I see the drinking as a symptom of depression. I think he is definately depressed and not just a passing thing, I mean seriously clinically depressed.
We will see what tomorrow brings. They are going to see about the DUI tomorrow and then hopefully get started back. They are packing up his personal stuff because it looks like the house will be foreclosed on next month.
I guess one thing I do not understand is why is he so broke and let all his bills go ? Beer is cheap and he was not one to go to bars, he simply bought it at the grocers and took it home and drank himself into a depressed stupor every evening. So with his salary why did he not get his bills paid ?
Good chance that there are drugs involved, if there is no money. Or gambling.
Do your best to preotect yourself and your parents, both finaincially and emotionally. We all know why you feel that there are things that you just must do, we have all been there. Guess the point is - your actions can do a lot towards helping yourselves, but not much towards helping him. The fact that he acknowledges a problem is a hopeful sign, but that's all it is, hopeful.
