The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling a little sad today. My AH and I split up again. The second time since August. It's for the best as I see he is not willing to change. I am changing and making progress in my f2f meetings, couseling, support group for abused women, open AA meetings every Friday and I just started a boundries course on Wed nights for the next 12 weeks.
We tried to get back together but I am tired of the manipulation, control, guilt and shame that is put upon me from him. He tells me that he "Loves me" and in the next sentence he tells me that I am a bitch to his kids when they were younger and that I still am. He will go back and forth with nice sayings just to get me thinking he's trying than all of a sudden he will say something negative about me. I have been trying to detach with love, but after doing a lot of reading on the computer about manipulation, control etc.... I realized I was not fully detaching myself from him. I kept taking his calls and letting him get the best of me.
I want my peace and serenity and last night I finally put a stop to this. Hubby kept calling the house late at night knowing that I have to get up early to go to work so I did not pick up. He left a message on my phone that if I am not going to pick up the phone to talk to him than there is no sense on working on this marriage. I have told him several times that we cannot work on our mareiage until we work on ourselves. He and I need to become healthy within our selves before this marriage can become healthy. I take full responsibility in enabling him to call for answering his calls and than getting upset.
I now know I must truly Detach myself with Love from him and Let go and Let God. I am feeling better this morning by doing this. Maybe now I can truly get the healing I need for a healthier future. I hope and pray that my husband does as well, but if he does not I am not responsible. It's hard but I have faith in my HP to walk with me and guide me through the rough times.
Ohhhhhhhhh I am so proud of you!!! You are on your way to real happiness. I know your supposed to detach with love. I guess I didn't follow the rules because I was down right pissed off and detaching. But its ok because being so mad got me to be stronger. I did what you did. I allowed him to call but it was when I could answer the phone. When I even heard a disrespectful tone in his phone I nicely said "I will not allow you to talk to me with disrespect, good bye" this took a while but he eventually got it and would talk to me nicely on the phone because he KNEW I would not talk to him. I found that when you lay out your rules you HAVE to take them seriously. My ah has to drive four hours to get here to visit me and the kids. My rule was if he smelled like alcohol or was chewing gum or smelled like toothpaste he was to leave. If he was shaking from withdrawls and was sick he was to leave. After driving all this way about six times and me making him turn around he eventually quit coming. Then he hated he didn't get to see his kids. He slowly but surley sobered up and he came to see us. I had to tough it out. I had to see my children cry weekend after weekend. I explained to them that it was my job to protect them no matter what. I started going to church, I colored my hair, I lost 30 pounds, I got a much happier attitude, I started going out and doing things. He saw all of this and he wanted it in a bad way. He wanted me now that I was "hot" hehehe He loved my great attitude and he wanted it. He knew it was because of church and he started going. He learned it was so much easier to be happy then to be miserable. It took too much time and energy to be miserable. Sorry so long, I'll shut up. I just wanted to share. Your in my prayers. Keep going, your doing so great. I am really proud of you!!!!
I am proud and happy, albertarose, that you have taken this important step towards a happy future. No it is never easy, but you have shown strength of character with this act of love. And that is really what it is. I send you all good wishes now and always.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It is horribly hard isn't it? I thought my guts would fall out.
Taking the one day at a time does help. Keeping busy, doing things you normally do.
It takes awhile with this kind of change for your new life to feel familiar and normal.
Deep breathing, lifting your tummy up as you inhale, dropping your elbows, stretching your body slowly but regularly helps.
Keeping yourself as healthy as possible helps. A broken heart is serious. If you can simplify do it too. Or I found all this helpful. I tend to sound bossy, "this is my experience as to what helped me heal and be ok."
It is very much the same for you and hubby. Like with my wife and I, "nothing changes if nothing changes." It took getting 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' for us to make changes. Unfortunately, my A wife is not 'sick and tired of being sick and tired', yet. I am. and I made changes. I made choices -- tough, tough choices, depressing, humbling, humiliating, guilt and shame riddled, choices -- because I AM WORTH being happy, finding happiness, living the life I deem prosperous, where my goals and values and ethics and morals have credence. I am worth it. You are working your path and recovery, too. And changes, tough as they may be, are steps to a better life. I'm proud of you for having the courage to change. YOU and only you are in control of your destiny. keep coming back!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
albertarose So sorry that you have had to make this decision, but it does sound like a good one. You DO owe it to yourself to do what you feel is right for YOU and if this is it, then this is it. A year ago I was leaving my husband. As they say, nothing changes...... but something changed, so I stayed. I know this a heart wrenching decision, and I applaud you for taking steps to better care for you.
albertarose, Very glad to hear that you are taking good care of you. Recovery reads easy but does hard. Keep up with your meetings and counselling. For me, it took some time for the fog to clear after having lived with active alcoholism on my own for so many years before I was able to make good decisions for my life. Today, I am very grateful to say my husband is sober, we are together and working on our relationship. This is not to say that every relationship is salvagable, but in my case it turned out this way. Take good care of you and I wish you all the best.
Love in Recovery - Jeri
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Thank you all for your support.... I know in my heart this is the best thing for me. I so want to get healthy so that I can have a better life. I know it will be lonely at times but I also know I have my health, my kids, and all the support behind me from this group, my f2f meetings, church and my other groups that I am involved in. Thanks again for all your encouragement. It means so much to me.
It sounds like you are doing the right thing - taking care of yourself. If in the future things change with your husband, then you can take another look at it. Who knows, seeing you get better may be the push he needs to make him take his OWN recovery seriously. If not, then there is other happiness out there for you.
lin0606 wrote: It sounds like you are doing the right thing - taking care of yourself. If in the future things change with your husband, then you can take another look at it. Who knows, seeing you get better may be the push he needs to make him take his OWN recovery seriously. If not, then there is other happiness out there for you.
Thanks lin...
I am so new to this program and changing me is what has to happen first and foremost. I went to my open AA meeting last night and he was there. It's a good start but the way I am feeling right now is, is there hope. He tells me last night that he realizes he has to change, he has to get a sponsor, go to regular meetings etc b/c he does want to get better and want this marriage. I want to believe him but I have heard the same line over and over again over the past 11 years. So for right now I am taking One Day at a Time. He lives elsewhere while I maintain the home and do what I need to do for myself first. He told me he does not want to wait one year, two years, ten years etc.. to see if this marriage going to work. I told him I am not putting a time limit on this. When I heard that from him I felt like he is putting a limit on this marriage, so in my eyes it won't work than. I'm not giving up on this marriage, I just don't know which direction I am going in at the moment. It's sort of scary
