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i am not letting my ex see the kids.last friday he confessed to me that he had been reading all of my journals, had broken into my computer, had hidden under my deck to see what i doing. then he was very very disrespectful of me, my family and my friends. so, the little trust (or denile) i had was gone and i decided that i didn't want a person like that having anything to do with my kids. but i think i am wrong.
he has a new girlfriend which always gives him false bravado. i have not gotten involved with anyone partly because i know i am nowhere near ready and partly because i was scared of his reaction.so, i think i am just trying to punish him. we have been doing this insane dance for years. i threatened and moved out and came back so many times before i did it for real. and he has dumped the kids for drugs and other women and i have enabled him to see the kids and always been encouraging of him haiving a relationship with them. now i am done. i am sick of working for him to be a good dad. so i told him to get a lawyer. and as far as i am concerned until i have some paper in my hand from a judge stating he is allowed to see the kids then he does not see the kids.
he is the one who told me that we obviously can't be friends. so, we won't. we will be divorced people. he gets 6 months "sobriety" under his belt and suddenly he is the sane, rational one who tells me that he knows that i am a good mom and i would never keep him from the kids and we don't have to be vindictive about this. yeah, he just wants to keep the status quo where he comes to my house to babysit the kids while i work that way he doesn't have to get a real apartment, he doesn't have to commit his weekends to having the kids and he can be free to see/do whatever he wants with no real responsibility for the kids. so, although i am not sure it is what is best for the kids, it is best for me to make this break and make it concrete. legal,binding. to unhook from him, and let him be the father he can be without interference from me.
This is just my opinion. I do not think a mother should ever hold the children against their father. Even though what he did to you was very odd and just flat out rude, those are still HIS children. My suggestion would be to get someone that you both trust and have them go some place with the kids so that they can have quality time. You can ask the judge for supervised visitations until he completes some alcohol classes. Keep track of all the crazy things he has done so you have it all on paper as to why you would like supervised visitations. I know in Florida to have supervised visitations he has to pay $35 an hour to sit for an hour to visit his children. I found this degrading for all of them so I was more then happy to sit at a park with them. I would read a book while they played or did whatever. There's nothing you can do about the new girlfriend. Hopefully she's a nice person. I would do a public search on her...lol But that's just me. I'm over protective with my children. It's very important for children to see their father and have a relationship with him no matter what. Good luck. Your in my prayers! ^i^
Sometimes we can also rely on what seems easier for us, why your A is sober, he's available to help with the kids. Yes, he's their father and he should be responsible and active in their lives, but the way you have it set up, it is also convenient for you too. In the process, you are having to deal with him face to face, is that a good thing?? Everything he is doing is setting you off in this direction or that. Ask yourself what is healthies for you. What I'm saying is it may be convenient for him to watch them while you work and you may be able to monitor him and what he's doing, but you have to deal with coming home and seeing him. You have to deal with whether or not he's rambled thru your things, invaded your privacy etc.
It's almost as if he's got to play by the rules to see the kids at your house. Believe me I do understand, his behavior hasn't been reliable or safe for so long that I'd question entrusting the children to him also. The thing about this is is you are orchastrating how everything is to work, how he's suppose to be if he's to see the kids and now he's sober (though a little wierd and definately intrusive) you are changing the rules.
If you want him to take on the responsiblty of forming a relationship with his children, let him do it, just not right under your nose. Take a step back, ask your HP for guidance and the ablity to let go of some of the control. Allow your kids to form their own opinion of him. They will do that on their own, they have the amazing ability to see thru BS better than Adults to. We can't protect our children from all pain, it's a sad fact. You will be doing them a great favor if you allow them to see what is real and feel what they feel about it.
I'm very mindful here that I don't know all of your situation, and what I've said may not apply so please take what maybe useful and leave the rest. When it comes to your children you have to do what you feel is best/safest.
Are these his children too serendipity? Is he their natural father? If so, it is not adviseable to keep him from them. Not unless a court of law declares that you must. Never put kids in the middle of parents' troubles. It's a lose, lose situation...for you and for them.
You are right dear...I think you are wrong. I know you have acted out of love and concern for the kids; I DO understand that, but he does have rights.
With great caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
hi ser, I see so much "drama" in this post. The disease loves to draw us into that.
Simply put, that is insane behavior to break the boundaries he did. Hid under the deck???? shaking head.
Aism sure does make horrible fools of our loved ones, and us sometimes.
Number one the kids need to be protected. Part of that is never putting the father down to them. It is up to them to figure out their relationship with him. If he makes an app. and does not show up, then I would say, you will have to ask him about that, and if you can have a back up plan to do something else and do not make a big deal about it. They will learn by how you act.
Going by his behavior, I would set up supervised visitation. If he complies and his behavior is appropriate, in time, maybe set up whatever you two come to terms with, with a mediator, write it down, both sign the agreement, and also put the consequences if he does not show up. Maybe go back to supervised.
He knew when he signed your contract the consequences of the behavior, no arguement.
I would have the kids picked up at a neutral place. Mutual friend, neighbor etc. You guys have little to no contact.
I would not ask the kids any questions about dad, girlfriend nothing. Allow them to just talk. Listen and respond with grace.
He will always be their bio father, you do not want them turning on you for keeping him from them. They are smarter than you think.
When they see you calm and ok and not judgemental, it makes it not a toxic situation for your family.
I agree with Deb, time to get the drama out of this, and start doing what is healthiest for you and kids.
I understand the impulse to punish, to be manipulative, but the thing to remember is that you do have choices. You can think about doing things in anger, and then just NOT. Your emotions about him are just that - emotionss. They do not have to influence your behaviour, unless you want them to. Remember, feelings are not facts.
I would strongly recommend getting some outside help with this, some kind of family couselling. Go alone, or just with the kids, if it is not a good idea to have him involved. You could really benefit from an impartial eye here. Right now you are reacting, out of pain and anger and jealousy, and not all your actions are in your best interests, or in those of your children. Those kids deserve one sane parent.
If you do not go to f2f I urge you, please go. Stating your feelings and actions out loud to a group of human faces can give you a clarity about them like nothing else.
