The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't even recognize the man I have been married to for 33 years. We haven't lived together for 2 years. I cannot believe the things he says and does. Was I in denial all those years of marriage? Did I want him to be who I wanted him to be? We use to talk about our values of money and childrearing and everything else. He has always said how cheap he is yet he is at the local discount store several times a week. It is him first on everything that he does. I know that this is taking his inventory but I just feel like I have been had - big time. Why did he say he loved me for all those years? We can't get through any conversation without him repeatedly telling me he wants a divorce, divorce, divorce. No negotiation, no middle ground, no compromise. It is like emotional terrorism. How did it come to this? If our marriage ends, so be it. But why is he trying so hard to end any chance of a relationship at all. How sobering this all is for me. It is hard to know where to go from here.
((((nmike)))) sounds like your AH is as stubborn as mine is. If he keeps telling you he wants a divorce, how come he hasn't filed it? In my state, anyway, a divorce does not have to have consent of both parties. Mine throws that up in my face, because he knows I do not want one, and that is his way to make me feel really bad about myself. What woman wants to hear that. I am also often reminded this is a progressive disease. I'm sure all those years he said he loved you, he really did, or you would not have been able to remain together all that time. The disease wants to hurt US, keep us in pain and paralyzed with fear. I understand well the "emotional terrorism" you wrote about. Take this time alone to work on yourself. Keep learning all you can about alcoholism and addiction. Reading helps me. Try to find someone else to talk to besides your husband.....I know how lonely it is, I am lonely a lot of times even when mine is in the same room and we are unable to communicate. I miss that, too. Glad you are here. Love in Recovery, Becky1
nmike wrote:Were you "in denial" for all those years? Probably not. The good years you had were likely genuine. If my husband talked, "divorce, divorce, divorce" incessantly, and held me in emotional blackmail, my response would be to get a divorce. At this time, your A seems unwilling to give the relationship another chance. I guess I'd give MYSELF another chance and move on.
Best wishes,
Diva Hi Friends,
I don't even recognize the man I have been married to for 33 years. We haven't lived together for 2 years. I cannot believe the things he says and does. Was I in denial all those years of marriage? Did I want him to be who I wanted him to be? We use to talk about our values of money and childrearing and everything else. He has always said how cheap he is yet he is at the local discount store several times a week. It is him first on everything that he does. I know that this is taking his inventory but I just feel like I have been had - big time. Why did he say he loved me for all those years? We can't get through any conversation without him repeatedly telling me he wants a divorce, divorce, divorce. No negotiation, no middle ground, no compromise. It is like emotional terrorism. How did it come to this? If our marriage ends, so be it. But why is he trying so hard to end any chance of a relationship at all. How sobering this all is for me. It is hard to know where to go from here.
Thanks for listening. Nancy
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yeah I'm with diva. Alcholism is like cancer in some ways in the sense that it doesn't just show up. It's not like a stop sign that you magically see in the road. It's a gradual illness that comes in over time and becomes more and more severe. And remember there were times over those 33 years that you shared that WERE good. It was that over the more recent years, like over the last 10 that things started to fall apart. You didn't quit the marriage over teh fact that he stopped liking ice cream or whatever. You quit because you realized at a certain point that he wasn't going to be what you knew him as. And that's a big difference.
Just wanted to send you a hug ((((((((nmike)))))))). For me, I find it is hard to think clearly when I am in so much pain. Take care of yourself, you are worth it!
No, you were not in denial. I agree, if he really wanted a divorce you would have been served papers.
I am married 19 years and still cannot believe that this man in my house is my husband. I love the man I married and glimpse him every now and then, but for the most part, he's gone. We were very happy at one time, but the alcoholic slowly grew into him over time. Sad but true.
I've been with my A for seven years. I was very hard on myself after this last relapse/binge streak . . . what was I thinking? Did I just ignore the warning signs? I was kicking my own a** daily until a fellow alanoner said a few words to me that won't make sense to put down here but in effect, opened my eyes to what is real. I did fall in love with a different man. His disease has progressed, he may very well die from it long before his 'time'. Sure, there were little red flags here and there, but they only make sense in retrospect. At the time, they did not herald anything huge and scary.
Some of us grew up in chaotic alcoholic homes (I did) and what is normal gets a pretty good spin. Perhaps someone with a 'normal' normal sense would have run screaming from my A seven years ago, but all I can do with that is accept my life as it was and is. I never wanted or planned to be bound to a severely ill alcoholic and drug addict, but yet here I am. That's what I have. And yes, absolutely, he has changed for the worse in too many areas to name, and I have matured enough to recognize stuff I never would have noticed seven years ago. I am responsible for my own life, have choices, and from this moment on, will make them to the best of my ability. I have a decent amount of faith in myself that I can and will take better care of myself in the future.
A very good post for me to read/respond to today, thank you.
I don't think you were in denial as much as you still believed in the man you married. You've got a good heart and we never want to believe the worst in the people we love. I agree with Diva, the really good times you had were genuine. Cheerish that.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know just how you feel.Either I WAS in denial or HE is now.I think it is the latter.He wants out of the marriage so is choosing to not remember the good things we had. I think sometimes we can choose denial.Maybe that is a contradiction in terms, but I think I have chosen to put my head in the sand many many times over the years about my marriage and my feelings about him.It was just easier than facing the truth.So I convinced myself that something else was true...I think that is denial. Maybe that is what he is doing now.Convincing himself that we have always had a bad marriage to make it easier for him to leave it.He chooses not to remember that he loved me once and that we have had great times over the years. I,on the other hand,while I remember the good times and believe we did have love have also faced the truth that I have been stuffing down for so long.And that is that I myself have wanted out of the marriage and the relationship.I am still trying to figure out why I wanted that deep down and yet when he decided to end it I was so devastated and tried to hang on. Maybe it was all tied into that role that I put myself in.I was the good daughter,the good wife,the good Christian.I had to prove that to the world, it was my only source of self esteem.THAT information was stuffed waaaaaay down for many years.Then there's the long suffering martyr syndrome that I denied I had.That I wanted people to feel sorry for me that HE was ending the marriage.Look what HE is doing while I have been SO faithful,SO there for him.....How could he do this to me after all I have sacrificed for him. I have recently realized how often I tell perfect strangers that we are getting divorced.I regret it as soon as I do and I ask myself why I keep doing that.I know now it is for the sympathy.I just have to tell them that I have been married 37 years and now it is ending....sigh. Now that I see that for what it is I have vowed not to tell anyone else about it.It is none of their business and it is too much to tell people I barely know.Also the sympathy I get is not worth the embarassment I now feel knowing these people know my business. What is so awful about admitting to myself that the marriage didn't work out and I am as much to blame as he is? We were wrong for eachother but we made the best of it for a very long time.Good for us.We shared something,something good.Eventually the bad outweighed the good and that happens.I have no regrets and I am sooo glad this is all finally out.What a relief. I am on my way to finally finding my true self.The truth is coming out and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. I think when we cling desparately to someone that does not want us,we need to look deeper into that.There is something else going on that needs to be dealt with.That is just my opinion but it seems to have been true for me.Hope this helps.
