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AH called me at work crying and carrying on that he was going to "do something" and wanted to say goodbye to me. I didn't run home, he has done this before, but he also called various family members, including his college age daughters, who all began calling me at work, and then he called again and I decided to leave work early(1/2 hour).
Anyway, I get home and he refuses to go to the hospital, I have in the past called an ambulance, but he then tells the doctors he was only having thoughts not plans of suicide and they send him on his way.
Anyone else have their A do this? Deep down I feel he is playing games however there is also a fear he could do it.
Hi Evey, My A did say this a lot. I mean years of it. I stopped listening a long time ago. It is their decision. Chances are if they do it, they won't tell you. Even if they do, do something we have NO control over it.
It is another part of the insanity. A very selfish part of manipulation. I sure would not take time off work or call anyone. Well not anymore. i cannot tell you how many times the whole a family was freaking and looking for A.
He was happily stuck away somewhere with his bottle.
And yes again Evey, My A tried twice that I know of to do it. Had to be zapped back two times.
He is also very brain damaged from the surgery. I was working on getting him SSD. He goes to the dang psychiatrist and lies. Says no he never tried to commit suicide. there was documentation. the idiot doc believed him.
I took him to docs more than once and he lied.
He went to ER once totally screwed up. When he realized he was not getting drugs, he pulls out his iv and walks out. I was so humiliated. So.... guess what? I do NOTHING anymore. So guess what? He moved in with the unlady and uses her as she does everything for him, plays off his disease.
The disease hates me, I won't play or be manipulated or used.
so it went away and took my husband with it...
Anyhoo hon, we have NO control over anyone but us remember?
Wondering whether or not it is a game or "real" is one more way we end up sucked into focussing on the A again.
Thus, it doesn't really matter TO YOU, at least in what you DO about it. Of course your heart is torn up by this, and I'm sure you've imagined what it would be like if he did 'do it'. But since we are here to worry about ourselves :D, how do you take care of yourself emotionally when he does this? You sound pretty strong already!
I used to work as a nurse in psychiatry, and A's don't corner the market on suicide attempts or 'gestures' (i.e., no real desire to die, just desperate for caring and attention). When a family had a member who threatened suicide over and over, I urged the family to, without exception, call 911. Calling 911 is a natural consequence of making a suicide threat, whether it is a game or real. Treat all suicide threats as real . . . and if they aren't, the hospitals have more stuff up their sleeves than you do. Plus, you're exhausted, hurting, and you have a LIFE of your own.
Hate to say this, but when someone really 'means it', they usually don't notify everyone and get them all worked up. They just do it. So I'd say he's desperate to hear that people care about him, and will make the most selfish and dramatic threats to get you all to "care". Calling 911 is all about caring :D , and since you aren't a mental health specialist, you are turfing him to those who CAN CARE for him appropriately.
Anyway, all this said, there's no doubt in any of our minds your anguish and pain, it's very real, and you CAN do something about it. Maybe "Call 911" should be a fourth or fifth "C".
i have a similar but different problem with my A. He doesnt talk about hurting himself... if anything he says how his mother and sisters need him too much so he couldnt hurt himself... but there are many nights when i talk to him on the phone ( i kicked him out coz i couldnt cope with the drinking anymore), and i can hear something in his voice that just doesnt sound right. I posted here earlier this month with my topic, and one reponse to me was as much as i am taking care of me, if i do fear that he will do something, i should intervene. You know what is right for you to do. You didnt cause this..... you just need to try and find the answer for yourself that will keep you sane. take care of you
I agree with Kim it never hurts to call 911, these threats are a cry for help and 911 will deliver it quickly. Making suicide threats is part of the game as far as I can tell and calling 911 releives you of your responsibility and gives it to the appropriate people!
I put a stop to both a sister and my son threatening suicide. In my sister's case she was raging over the phone and saying things like "I just don't know why I even bother living, nobody cares anyway" etc. On the third repeat of this I interrupted her and told her that in the last five minutes she had threatened suicide three times, if she said it again I WOULD hang up and call 911. She says "Oh I don't really mean it". I told her that was ok but I did mean what I said and if I heard it again I would call 911 and she could explain to the EMT's how she didn't mean it. She has never said it again.
For my son he was strung out on drugs, alcohol and anything else he could get his hands on. When he went to rehab (to avoid arrest) I cleaned his apt out and put his things in storage and found a suicide note he had left on the dining room table as well as another one he had on his computer. I called the rehab unit and read the notes to his counselor. He hasn't threatened again either.
I take suicide threats very seriously and know full well that I am not qualified to keep someone from hurting themselves or someone else. I always call 911, it does seem to get their attention and it takes me out of the picture.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I cannot tell you what to do in this situation, you will have to decide that on your own with the help of your HP. All I can do is share my E, S and H about how this Aism played out in my life.
My A did this a few times while he was active--usually during or after a fight between us that was usually brought on by me confronting him while he was drunk about his actions--I know now how stupid that was!! Anyway, he would either leave a note wishing me a happy life and telling me not to worry about him or call me and tell me that I didn't have to worry about him anymore before hanging up and turning off his phone. I came home one night after staying away because I was concerned about my safety and he had thrown all my clothes in the garage and used kite string to rig a noose to hang on the garage door track--that time I had to laugh because it was so pitiful. I didn't realize at the time that it was all an attempt to manipulate me and deflect attention away from his behavior.
That being said, it didn't stop me from worrying and debating about calling 911. One of my lingering humiliations for me from that time in my life is that his "drinking buddy" (translation "bar whore") had the nerve to call the police to do a welfare check on my AH and they came looking for him in front of all of our friends. I had to go outside and explain the situation to them. UGH--the drama and degredation that I allowed myself to be drawn into!!! Thank God for Al-Anon!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Evey, this is not nice, I think I would call 911 and pass it on to them as then you have acted responsibly but it is not your issue to deal with either so I support you either way. I have a son who does this on occasion and I can identify what you are going through, its very nerve wracking,
A few years ago my sister was constantly threatening suicide.
Yes, she was depressed. We had lost my mother and she had lost her husband within the same year.
She had several attempts, always making sure someone was either close by or calling someone. She was taken to the hospital more than once and admitted to the local mental care facility also more than once.
She was not an alcoholic, in fact she was a minister. However, all her life she had always craved attention, seemingly never was enough.
This went on for over a year. Our family went through such an upheaval constantly and went from being sad to angry all the time.
I am not a trained professional, but I knew that often when someone attempts or thinks of suicide often enough there is always a chance that they may suceed whether they mean to or not.
Eventually this is what happened to my sister. I had talked to her 2 days before and she sounded great. Then on a night that she had a scheduled Bible study, which had been an ongoing thing for many years, she took too many pills. Normally people would arrive around 6; however this one night no one showed up until 8. By then she had vomited and aspirated. Of course she was taken to the hospital but it was too late. She hung on for a couple of days and died.
This took a huge emotional toll on me ...as normal, there were lots of other things going on in my life also. I struggled for so long trying to understand it.
Finally I simply had to admit that this is one of those things I " had to accept because I could not change it." No more analyzing ... no more blame...no more anger ... I had to let it go. Only God knew all the details about all of it.
My ex AH used to threaten suicide also.
The one thing I know is that I am not educated or trained in the field. I agree with the others. Anytime someone makes a threat it should be taken seriously and 911 call made.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and my love and prayers are with you.
any time someone asks about this, I always say, call the police.That way if it is a game, or a plea for attention, the police will happily give it to him. And if necessary, bring him to a hospital.
"The disease hates me, I won't play or be manipulated or used.
so it went away and took my husband with it..."
Debilyn, this stood out at me. Only my ah is physically still in the home,but he is long gone.
911- have done that in the past and all that came out of it was a very large bill. He is beyond caring about explaining himself, he would love the attention of the police, and ems. Thrive on it, believe me. He spends his day going through his address book calling people to tell them how "sick" he is with alcoholism and how he "doesn't know whats wrong with his brain" (could it be the alcohol?!)
Evey, when I hear someone threaten harm to himself or another, I always take it seriously. Few people, bent on destruction, do not talk about their intentions first. I would do whatever i had to do to get this person help.
Good luck. I send you best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I live in America. I do not have the money that is necessary to help him. Insurance would only pay for 12 days of rehab. Even though his doctors said he needed to stay in rehab longer they(insurance) stopped paying and said he could go outpatient. He went once. He refuses to take his medication. He refuses to eat, to shower, to function.But he does make it to the liquor store. There are no funded inpatient programs for him. He does not qualify for medicaid. His parents paid (loaned) money for inpatient rehab last summer. I am paying down a $4000.00 debt to them. And that rehab was only a 3 week program. Bring him to the ER and he lies to them, says I only want to get him out of the house, that he never said he wanted to hurt himself. I have done everything I can do to help him already. His doctor barely returns his calls now.
I would really appreciate your input on what else could be done. Because I am out of resources and ideas.
