The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to know does anyone try to have a heart to heart with their alchoic while trying to find themselves going through the steps. I have read a lot on it but confused on this issue. Does one still try?
I guess for me it depends on the issue I'd be addressing. If I do have a heart to heart I try to pick a time when he's not high and generally in an approachable mood; which lately is few and far between. Otherwise I keep the conversation to the point. I try to say what I mean without saying it mean. Of course my AH is extremely defensive and interprets everything I say as him being a bad person. I used to try and have these "heart to heart" conversations to try and convince him that he had a problem with alcohol or drugs in hopes that he would agree and get into treatment, but that never has happened. If your AH is an approachable person who can remain calm while hearing the truth then I'd say use your judgement about when to approach it, otherwise I'd try to get my need met by another alternative.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
When my A was drinking we would have heart to heart talks (while he was sober), then he would go do what he always did...drink. What I had to say never made much of a difference while he was active.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 13:25, 2007-03-21
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
the thing that seems to get me in trouble is when i try to have a heart to heart with the A and my expectation is that he will listen, understand, give some feed back, etc. or i have an ulterior motive. like i will cry on his shoulder about his behavior and how it is effecting me and really i just want to make him feel guilty, bad, and apologize to me for all of the things he has done wrong. or do something that i don't want to do so if he feels bad enough i know he will do what ever i ask. i fell into this just this past friday night. so, i guess it's ok to go to the hardware store for milk just don't expect it to be there!
Wow, if anyone has found a way to have a heart to heart with an active A, I'd sure like to know what it is. I need all the help I can get, too. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I am going to guess that 100% of us (or very close to that number) have tried, but that a VERY small percentage have any measure of success..... Having a heart to heart with an active alcoholic is typically quite fruitless, and usually very discouraging... Many times, they will "say" the right things, but their actions don't coincide....
Just my two cents... Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I guess it depends on what your expectations are. When I have tried to enlighten my AH to his problem, tell him how his behavior affects me, or try to get him to change, it backfires. When I discuss myself and changes I am making in my life, he is usually willing to listen and interact. Just like anyone else, A's don't like being told what to do or how they are messed up. Even if they are acting like idiots, in my opinion letting them know that only magnifies the idiocy.
I agree with the others that it is nearly impossible to open the eyes of our A's with our program wisdom. LOL For me it was wasted air. Actions speak louder than words. Remember ours is a program of attraction rather than promotion...same with AA. As we change it confuses them -- but we aren't doing it "to" them, we're doing it for us and our serenity.
One thing that I thought of as I read your post was how excited I was when I started understanding this program, understanding my A and some of the things he did, understanding alcoholism as a disease etc. I was so excited to share all this with my A. I wanted him to know too, I wanted him to have relief and feel some of the happiness I was feeling. I wanted to fix him.....It felt great, I thought I had an answer. It took me about a year into this program to realize that no matter how hard I worked my program I wasn't going to get him sober. I didn't have the power to do it....no matter what I said or any of the wonderful information I had gathered.
Let your actions, your changes speak for themselves. Live your program, detach with love, show concern and consideration for you A. Above all keep the focus on you and remember to check your motives, no matter how well intended they may be -- it does us no good to manipulate.
I guess i wonder what you think you will get out of it. I guess if there were no expectations, why not.
Take what you want and leave the rest. When I was still able to be round my A, I treasured every moment. As the disease progressed it got so I could not be around him at all. He is totally evil.
I do not regret the time I had with him, even if he was using. I had no expectations. I wonder about the "heart" to heart. I don't believe the using A really uses his heart or emotions much. They are too deadened and used up by the drug, getting the drug, using the drug, and then start again.
They only reallly think about their needs. To me heart means love. An A has none when they are using. MY beliefs.
I would think, someone really new in alanon to attempt this, will be very, very hurt. Even people who are seasoned get caught by the dang disease and torn up.
A's are very sick people, especially when they are using. I don't care if we catch them in the morn or whatever when they have not used yet. I know they are at their worst then and will be their nicest to get you off their back so they can go get their drug of choice.
So why bother? It never really mattered what my A said. If he was using, it was all bull. I just enjoyed looking at him and having him close. If he got obnoxious, I just went into my own space.
Anyway glad you are here. You brought up a great question.
I agree with Canadianguy and others. I used to think my A could have a heart-to-heart when he was active. No way! Trying to get him to talk was like getting words out of the proverbial refrigerator. I gave up to save my own sanity. Even now that he has not had a drink in months, we rarely mention his alcoholism or my concerns or my feelings...or his. He simply will not talk.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I seem to agree with the above. It seems men are truly from Mars, and women from Venus. One thing I will say is NEVER try to talk to them under the influence, that is so useless and futile, usually ending up in a war. Their makeup either sober or under the influence usually is just plain "I dont want to hear it!" I in a 30 year marriage tried endlessly to "talk" reason things out, but to no avail. What I have learned from this program is to say things once, and if I have to say it more than that it becomes nagging/complaining/whining etc. That is why this program is so important to us who are affected by anothers drinking, as we can openly express our concerns , voice our opinions, cry if we have to, and not be judged or belittled on what we have on our minds.......One day at a time,,,gardengal
My A quite frequently wants to "talk" when he is under the influence, but if I say for instance, "I wish you would just stop drinking", he replies "I wish you would just stop bitching". In the early a.m before he starts drinking, and I have tried to talk with him, he gets very angry and turns up the t.v. volume so he can't hear me. So I have given up trying to talk. It is hard to just sit and watch him kill himself with his drinking and not say anything. But I am bettering myself and it has cut down on the "fights", although it has not cut down on his alcoholism. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
