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Hi all, I am new here, I believe I have come along way in dealing with my husbands alcholism and not only that but in realizing I have to move on myself. I didn't realize until just before unitl I read a article on detachment that I have gone through that phase or going through it more like it. I have separated my feelings from my husbands habits. He pushed to far one time and I finally said #$^ it, if he wants to kill himself he has everyright but I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces. Going from that, I don't listen to his meaningless and liefilled stories when he is drinking, I don't let his being gone ruin the rest of my night, I don't wait up for him, I don't call him to find where he is at, I don't wait for him to see if he wants to join us, I actually rarely ask him if he wants to join us (us is the 3 kids). Unfortunately with me not caring so much I think is really hurting our marriage, because of all the lies and mistrust and broken promises, not only do I not care of his what doings, I don't care to share my feelings with him, I rarely yell at him, even if he has pissed me off or didn't do something. Now here is the catcher, I have made some comments about him being lazy and that lack of what he does, he has been laid off from work for 4 months and nothing really has gotten done around the house). Note I did not yell at him and I usaully said these things in passing, but I have also never brought these things up for a discussion to see if we can solve things. I honestly do not have any conversations with my husband if it is going to cause me any heartache, or if I pretty much know that the conversation will be point less and won't solve anything. So in all honesty we do NOT have any conversations about us, our feelings, pretty much it is about day to day activities and the kids.
My thing here is, how do you detach without losing your friendship, and communications. Am I doing the right thing here or is this all going to blow up in my face and divorce will still be the final out come. He tried one night to tell me that he was hurt, "Things you have been saying are really hurting me" is what he said, he didn't go into more detail and I didn't ask, he had been drinking and i didn't want to have a conversation with him. He has been extremely moody of late when he comes home, rants and raves about stupod things. Is the lack of communication getting to him or what, as far as I see, I do not have the lying problem and not following through on my word he is, and if he wants to deal with his problems with a counsler I am not stopping him, but I will not be his stomping ground any more.
Sorry this is so long, any and all advice apprecatied.
Welcome to MIP! You are not alone, most of us know exactly where you are right now.
I don't know if I can answer your question, but I can direct you to some resources. Others will be along in no time with deeper insights. If you are not already attending Alanon meetings please find some (call the AA or alanon hotline in the phone book). Ask for the newcomer info when you go, it contains a wealth of info on how to detach, etc. One thing I can tell you, it takes practice. Over time you will learn to find happiness by taking care of yourself and learning how to process and let go of your negative feelings. The other bit of advice I give to every newbie is to learn everything you can about alcoholism. I don't believe that Alanon can truly be put into practice effectively unless you understand what a'ism is about. Read the AA Big Book, especially the Chapter to the Wives, and attend several open AA meetings. It sounds like you are on the right track, but the fellowship and experience strength and hope you will find in al anon can create miracles you never thought possible.
Hi there, Welcome to MIP, not sure if I have any answers either but my understanding of detaching is not necessarily cutting ourselves off completely from the A but learning how to put some boundaries in place about what feels right for you and what doesn't feel right. If you are not comfortable doing something, simply say I'm not comfortable with that. I find I have to really practice detaching and detaching with love. I can still love my AH, but there are several times in a day when i have to tell myself, let it go, its none of your business and try to distance myself emotionally from my AH's choices and decisions, especially if I don't agree with them. I can understand how you are feeling like it is hurting the marriage, I often have those thoughts as well. I am learning to accept that my marriage is not going to be "normal" it has been affected by this disease. This disease has changed me and my attitude. I'm probably not the same person my AH first met. That's when detaching helps. Its giving yourself permission to stop getting emotionally enmeshed with the A's problems and put the focus on your needs and emotions. I'm trying to be happy about sharing even just a few a minutes of our day connecting. The rest of the time is filled with doing things that need to be done, the kids, work, the house, and of course my needs. Hope some of this helped. Keep coming back and posting.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Detachment is tough - in the beginning & even now in my life sometimes I detach with a machette sometimes I detach with love. It is a process for me. One that I continually seek help thru working the 12 Steps, attending meetings, reading literature, posting here and talking with other people in recovery.
If you have any of the Al-Anon literature, there is really great info on detachment. Especially the Chapter on Detachment in How Al-Anon works.
Again, glad you are here & hope you keep coming back.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I guess it really comes down to what you want, and what it is possible to get.
If you want some peace of mind, and to get off the rollercoaster, then, yes, your intimacy with your husband will be affected. I am another who has accepted that my marriage will never be 'normal' (and my husband is four years sober) . There are some things that we are just too damaged for, he is just not capable of the kind of emotional gving that many people imagine marriage to need.
However, we can still be happy, in our way. One part of that is that *I* can make sure that my own actions are those that go towards making the kind of marriage I want. Nothing I can do about his, but I have control over mine. So, if you want to talk in a friendly way with him about household matters, do so. Let go of your expectations about his response, and just say the things you think need to be said, in the tone that you want to say them in. If you want it to be non accusatory, then that's the tone you take. If he proceeds to react as if you accused him, well, that part is his - you have no control over that. Watch your motivations, watch your reactions, and take baby steps towards being the person you want to be. His reaction will be what it will be.
Another thing to keep in mind - this program can save your sanity, but it does not promise to save your marriage. Some of us have found that practicing alanon makes it possible to stay in our marriages. Others have found that following the program makes it impossible to stand the marriage any longer - we no longer want to subject ourselves to the insanity. Whichever is the real and healthy result for YOU, is the one that will eventually come about.
Welcome to the MIP family! You are not alone here. To me detaching from the A has nothing to do with loving him or not loving him. It was a way for me to turn him over to his HP. I had set a boundary of no drinking in the house. I would not live with an active A. At first I didn't enforce that boundary (a mistake on my part). I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I made him leave. I detached from the situation and did what was best for me. Almost a year later he cleaned up his act and has remained sober. Detaching is a way I survived. It doesn't mean that I shut down. I just started taking care of me. If I continually worried about what he was doing, and if he was alive or dead, I would have gone nuts. I didn't stop loving my husband. The other thing that helped me was I accepted the fact that he has a disease. The disease explains his behavior, but it doesn't justify it. That was a powerful moment.
Please keep coming back to us. Read the old posts. Learn about this disease, and begin taking care of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you all for your kind words. It is so hard for me to decipher the two and keep them separate. I know that I have begun to live my life, work, the kids, my side business that I am trying to start. I have basically in part quit caring about him when he goes out. I don't worry if he dies, hurts himself, or goes to jail. I guess in some ways when one of the three happens I will be upset but I do know that there was nothing I could do to stop him and it was his choice and he alone will deal with the consequences. I ABSOLUTELY refuse to be by his side when it does, unfortuanately I know it will be divorce. I guess of late I have become so what lonely, I miss having that guy friend to confide in. That is why I wonder if I have actual quit loving him or is this part of the detachment, truly deep down I know I would miss him when something happens but I also know that my life isn't going to be over. I guess in part I feel very detached from him. Once again thanks all.
