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I am having such a hard time with my kids and feel totally lost. We moved from NY to Florida and they are not adjusting well at all. One is 16 and the other is 20. They sit in the house all day and refuse to do anything to make it better....they won't join anything, work, etc... What scares me is now they walk around with sweathshirts on and hoods over their heads. They are isolating and hiding. They don't want to leave the house. Last night my 16 year old lost it about how he has nothing now, no friends, how we ruined his life and took everything away from him, he was soooooo angry with us. He dropped out of school and has no friends. He doesn't keep in touch with his old friends because he has nothing in common with them anymore. I see them falling deeper into depression and I don't know what to do. They need professional counseling but are refusing to go. They need to learn to make themselves happy and they think a move where there is more things to do will make them happy. When I try to talk to them they just push me away. I feel so helpless because if they would just make an effort, things might come together for them. They are only hurting themselves. I need to work real hard at detaching which is so difficult for me with my kids. When they hurt, I hurt. I know I need to put the focus on myself. Why do I feel so guilty? I am obsessing about how I can fix this, which is so codependent. How do I get them to open up? My husband and I are going to counseling to work on our issues. She said to get a job outside of the house, a life, which would take my focus off of the kids. I feel like I am abandoning them though. I definitely need some clarity on this. It was my birthday yesterday and it was just horrible. They didn't even seem to care.
Okay I am no psychologist here but they are 16 and 20, it is time for them to act there ages. Now I am not saying to completely disregarg them, but you cannot make them happy, they can only do that themselves. If the 20 year old hates it so much, MOVE. He/She is old enough, to get a job and place. If they can't I would really look at what is the reason why. The 16 year old, is probably the harder of the two, they still need parents, yet if he/she is refusing any kind of supportiveness what can you do. Basically the kids are at an age of where tough love is maybe the best kind. My husband has parents who are constantly bailing him out with money, if it wasn't for them our house would be repoed and they just don't get it that he will never grow up and deal with his drinking, cause they are always there with the net. Let your kids grow up, you can be supportive with out actually doing it for them. I hope this helps.
I don't have any advice, but I know that moving is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Please don't neglect yourself. Take a break from the chaos and try to find some peace and serenity...God Grant me the Courage...
I think I would not try to fix it, but keep saying it is totally up to them to make their lives what they want it to be. As long as you take it on, they will give it to you and make it your fault. Things change, sh*t happens..welcome to life!! It's not your job to make them happy, it's totally up to them to find their way.
The 16 yr old quit school, that made it more difficult to make new friends, his choice. Had he not done that he may have had friends by now. HE made that choice, not you. No way should you be responsible for him having no new friends.
What they must realize is that life doesn't stop here and it is up to them to change the way things are. No one can do it for them. IMO, if no one is going to school they should be working full time and not allowed to sit around and sulk.
We moved from Michigan to Washington State (due to a job transfer) when my girls were 17 and 15. They didn't like it at all but survived. I didn't give anyone the option of quitting school. It was either go or leave. Thank Heaven they thought I meant it..lol Not sure I could have made them leave 2500 miles from home. But at the very least I would have sent them back to live with their biological Dad, whom they don't particularly care for.
Tough love my dear..Don't take it on, it's not yours. Even if you did...what are you supposed to do? Go out and recruit friends and entertainment? Anyone doing that for you?
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
((Alyce)) Your post has a familiar ring to it - something that I carried for a long time "unrealistic guilt". Of course, that is just my perception of the situation. I know that I did and sometimes still do carry guilt for the actions and situations of my adult daughters. Because I raised them in an Alcoholic/addiction dysfunctional home.
Well, they are old enough to make decisions for their own lives. They can change their path at any time they want.
I am not responsible for everyone and everything. Neither are you.
You are providing them tools, a path to a happier life, but you can't make them walk down it. Just like we can't make an alcoholic stop drinking, we can't make a miserable teenager or young adult happy. We can only set guidelines for acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in our homes. We can set rules for what will be tolerated and what will not be tolerated. If they choose to walk down the path of unhappiness - it is the path of their choosing - not yours.
You have given them the dignity of selecting their path. To feel guilty for that, to me would be "unrealistic guilt".
I hope that you are able to take time to do something nice for you since it was your birthday yesterday - Remember YOU deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks everyone...I needed a reality check. I see alot of the abusive behaviours in them that I saw in my husband in the earlier days. I let them know that I will not tolerate their verbal abuse. They were also overindulged and everything we did revolved around them. I keep thinking I should throw them out, but that's easier said than done and too extreme for me at this point. My husband and I are trying to work things out through counseling, but who knows. They used to go out with their friends before we moved and now we are all together in the same house and it's getting to be too much. A lot of tension. Sometimes I wish I could just run away.
