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my son that thinks partying on the weekends and having his 3rd dwi, now might not have been so fun after all. this is his 3rd night in jail he spent Saturady night and the next 14 nights in jail he gets to go to work during the week, but on weekends he's there all day. Today i talked to him before he went back and don't think he likes it to well in there and it's just been since saturday, he was very plain that he didn't like it and the first thing he asked me was to use my phone and would i give him a phone book so he could call the public defender, something he has been putting off for a month. they informed him if they count the dui he got when he was 16 he could go away for a year. s c a r e d i could see it all over his face, i just said well i knew that would happen and i tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. i pray to god that this open's his eyes and tries to straighten up he has always been the type of kid that had to be outdoors he was never content to sit in front of the t.v. and play video games he was always the one outside building forts and playing army and spy games, riding horses, 4 wheelers or working, he will go nuts in jail. he already takes antidepressants he can't stand to be around alot of people and alot of noise going on at the same time unless he's drinking i quess. he needs prayers, the family need prayers it's hard to have him in jail, but he needs to be, i believe that 100% something has got to open his eyes and if this doesn't i am scared to think what might happen that could be alot worse, because sooner or later i believe it will happen. i know that alot of you have already been through this stuff with a spouse or child or parent i never in my wildest dreams would think that i would be going through this, i don't know why because i never thought i would have a child that would have cancer and i did (but she is good now, it's been 6 yrs and she is great) but sometimes life just sucks and i hate that word, but it does! i quess there is no such thing as a perfect family, but boy am i getting tired of all the drama. pray for helplessmom's son and family. thanks
Isn't this a great journey that our children takes us on? I would never have dreamed that I would experience the things that I have with my children. No jail time but the choices they make don't make sense and they won't listen to reason. Our oldest son is in the tank with his finances. We talk to him, buy him books, and then crumble and loan him money and the cycle starts all over again. And truly we tell him that some of things that he does will land him in jail. He does not listen or can't hear it. In Alanon they tell us to focus on ourselves. Go to meetings. And learn as much as you can. Hope this helps.
You are right life does suck sometimes, but only if we let it get to us. I have been through what you are going through. My son was in jail, then went to prison for 9 months. It was rough, actually the hardest thing I ever went through. But it was oh so necessary.
God was with my son every step of the way, it was hard to let God have control but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wasn't helpless, but I was powerless.
Keep coming here and keep reading and posting. I, for one am glad you are here and I hope you find some peace.
I know exactly where you are too Helpless......I've felt just like you. Never dreamed we would be dealing with addiction/alcoholism in our children. But reality is......WE ARE! The good news is that we are not alone! Our faith in God and this forum has been a life-saver! Trusting God is the only thing we can do.....and He gives us much hope. I will be praying for your son and your family. Keep coming back and trust God.....He will see you through!
Hope you will continue to come back, see recovery (Al-Anon) for you - It has helped me deal with my loved ones who are affected by alcoholism/addiction.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
keep coming back! it sounds like you are employing some great program techniques. yes, yes he is responsible for his actions. HP is cunning (in my opinion) with what choices He puts in our lives so that we may grow. my prayers are with you. the pain of the situation can be unbearable, but perhaps the resulting consequences can lead him to a significantly less chaotic future.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
hello, Well had a long note to you last night and I goofed up and it went away. rrrrr
Wanted to say I am concerned about the desiring your son to "straighten up." He has a disease, what he is doing are all symptoms of alcoholism. He cannot choose to "straighten up." Aism is not cureable, it is progressive.
As far as him being uncomfortable and scared. GOOD. Sounds horrible doesn't it. Did to me too at first.
A's need to be sick, so sick and scared and miserable that they will do anything to get on a program of recovery. If he has to go to jail, and hates it, is miserable hopefully he will be ready to enter rehab when he gets out then go on to AA and do his 90 meetings in `90 days.
The book. Getting Them Sober, is a very good guide.
I have a son too. He messed with drugs until I sent his rear to survival school. He is not A so it really opened his eyes and he got into scuba diving and biology.
But I felt the fear as you do. I know you want to help, but the best thing you can do is take care of you, so he does not have to feel guilty for his disease huriting you.
We learn to detach. We love our loved one and hate the disease. We set boundaries.
I know it would be hard, but I would not go see him. I would not give him money or anything. If he chooses to get into the AA program in jail and shows he is on a program of recovery, then I would support him some.
Here we are moms and nurturers and we have kids we have to use the tough love thing on becuz if we help them, we are only helping the disease to manipulate us and our children who are A.
I KNOW if my AH's mother had not have babied him and enabled him all his life and still, he would have had a much better chance. He had been sober and in recovery a long time then had a brain tumor surgery. Ever since then he has been very much back into addiction and so brain damaged he cannot quit.
I have known him all my life. I would not even take him to rehab if he asked me. I would tell him to figure it out for himself. There is a van that picks them up. He is a vet.
He has one of the best facilities to go to for free, for as long as he needs to. But until they are ready, it is moot.
A's will relapse and be in rehab, be sober, be using, be on a program and then relapse again. It is a horrible disease.
Imagine if you had a disease that hurt everyone around you. Think of the guilt you would feel..What i say to my A is, it is your problem. I can do nothing about it. I love you. I will not allow the disease to hurt me.
I don't think they would count the dwi from when he was sixteen, that was what six years ago?
But it depends on your state. I hope they do. Everyone talks big, but people who get dwi's get off easy almost every time. They lose their license then drive anyway, get caught again and get slapped on the hand.
Those stupid breath things don't work. they just have someone else blow in them. My A used his compressor.
People with aism are the most manipulative, coniving liars we will ever know. They are always many steps ahead of us. They already have a plan for where to get money, how to get the drug, setting up to use it, doing it and then already planning the next time.
Anyway please take care of you. And what i did was imagine my A in my Hps big hand, outstretched with my AH in a fetal position.
The good news is, he is young. We can hope he is miserable enough to get on a program of recovery NOW.
He can start in there. If he is willing put a bug in his ear about AA. Tell him to ask about if there is AA in jail.
Find out if there is a Big Book of AA in the library. If there is not then donate some. Tell him it is there if he wants it. You may be able to get him one, usually he will have to leave it.
If you had any desire to have me write him I would be more than willing.
You have done so well. Encouraging him in all the outdoor things you did. That is important. An A, if they have interests and they have a good foundation, like any other disease they have a better chance of being happy longer.
My first boyfriend drove drunk, he was in an accident and killed 3 little girls out of the 4 in the family. He served no time, nothing. He broke his neck. In the hospital, his parents brought him a contract, they bought him another car.... great.
Againt the best thing for all your family is to focus away from it all. Make a boundary, anything to do with his disease, it is not your business. That is not me telling you to. I should have worded it different.
If he complains, what I always say is, well hon, I sure would not have made those choices.
Put it totally in HIS lap. NO sympathy. But for sure, always say, I love you. I am proud of your accomplishments. He is NOT his disease, he is still that cute little boy you love with a huge disease.
If he is as you say, I have great faith he will get on a program and pull himself out of the pit. do not give him a rope, the disease will only pull you in.
He may say I need five bucks for a book. I need ten to get my whatever out of hok. NEVER give an A money. never. not for a toothbrush, nothing. One thing that saved my son was learning the difference between needs and wants.
We love you and your A in a special way here in Alanon. I hope you come here often, keep us updated, vent, whatever you need.
"Those stupid breath things don't work. they just have someone else blow in them. My A used his compressor." I'm sorry deblyn, it's the first time I've heard of someone using a compressor...I know, it's not funny, but I'm chuckling. Your A is so inventive!
