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I met someone a year ago and we talked a lot. We finally met one night and one thing led to another. I asked him before it happened what was going to happen afterwards. He told me that we would discuss it afterward to see how we both felt. He told me afterward that he is not looking for a relationship and that he would wind up breaking my heart. I was very confused. A week later he tells me he loves me, then tells me he's not sure what love is. I was very direct in stating what I wanted. I told him I wanted to have a relationship leading toward commitment. He told me he couldn't give me that. Then he tells me he thinks of me everyday and he misses me. He wants to be friends. I feel very confused. I should have never gone through with meeting him, so that is my part. I do feel he misled me and took advantage of me. He continues to contact me and I told him I wanted no more contact. He said he feels very hurt that I want to stop speaking. Is it me??? It's so difficult to see a situation when you're emotions are involved. Help.
Kissers, I am sorry you are going through this. I totally agree, it is very hard to see things clearly and set boundaries, when your emotions are involved. Remember to breath :). Try to do something that does not focus on this relationship. Something that you like. Listen to your favorite CD, take a hot bath, go for a walk. Try to give yourself some space from it. I know, easier said then done. I hope that you will trust in your instincts and be true to yourself and your feelings when dealing with this person. Take good care.
Thank you for your encouragement. I put up a boundary and told him not to contact me anymore, then I let him back in. This is a very bad relationship. From what I've heard so far is that he is allowed to define the relationship. I'm not allowed to have any feelings, needs, etc. He warned me in the beginning that he has commitment issues and a fear of abandonment. One day I will wake up. I didn't want to face reality, but now I have no choice. A friend told me to just relax and have fun with him. She said he may change his mind in the future. I don't want to sit around waiting for someone to change their mind. That's not being fair to me either. I sent him an e-mail and told him it was all me and that he would be better off without me in his life since I am so confused about everything now. I took all the blame and apologized for my behavior. I just want out now. It doesn't feel good being so confused and rejected. Why am I not allowed to have any needs in this? If I express any type of need or want I am being turned away. He couldn't even commit to a date. I like to be spontaneous sometimes, but am I being unrealistic to want to commit to a simple date? Now I feel like I am being very self-critical about my thoughts and feelings. Argh....
Honestly if you have to ask someone before you have sex "what's going to happen afterwards" then you shouldn't be having sex to begin with. Especially if he says "we will discuss it afterwards" You say you got taken advantage of......no you didn't. You knew exactly what you were getting into. How could you not? You asked for help so this is my two cents. He is giving you something, it may not be the fairytale that you had wished but he's trying to give you a friendship. I don't have much to offer but that's because the red flags were right there from the beginning. Good luck.
It isn't really a matter of what you want being wrong, or what he wants being wrong, but just that the two of you want different things. If what you want is a commited relationship, then you will not be happy in an uncommitted one - end of story. You really don't have to justify wanting what you want - but neither does he. The two of you are not right for each other just now, and that is really all you need to know.
The only thing I would be concerned with is WHY you are looking for a committed relationship. There are plenty of good, healthy reasons to want this, but there are some unhealthy ones too - fear of being alone, looking to another person to make you feel complete, focusing on a relationship in order to avoid dealing with your own issues.....
I think it is important to examine your motivations, because this situation is giving you such pain. Talk it out with your sonsor, look at it in the context of your fourth step inventory, and see if you are looking for realistic things from romantic relationships. or are setting yourself up for failure. Then you can go forward into the future with confidence that you are looking for something that is good for you.
Aloha Kissers!! and what a post!! and what responses!! Wow!!
I've done the same thing and had to own the consequences. My responsibility my outcomes. I've learned a bit in this program and continue to learn. Some of it has been hard but all of it has been helpful. Let me pass something by you that I was instructed to do from a sponsor and from the Al-Anon ODAT (One day at a time in Al-Anon) daily reader. Try reading your post as if you were someone else and see what you come up with about your own behaviors and choices. It's a marvelous self-knowledge practice. You might want to bring what you find out back to the board.
I truly wanted to try a relationship with expressing myself from my heart. I did not hold back any feelings or thoughts I had. I did give him all the power to define what was going to happen when I posed that question. I should have stated what I wanted in the very beginning. This would have ended it in the very beginning. Lesson learned. Clearer boundaries are obviously needed in the very beginning.
kissers wrote: I truly wanted to try a relationship with expressing myself from my heart. I did not hold back any feelings or thoughts I had. I did give him all the power to define what was going to happen when I posed that question. I should have stated what I wanted in the very beginning. This would have ended it in the very beginning. Lesson learned. Clearer boundaries are obviously needed in the very beginning. ((((hugs)))))
Some people just don't have to give, what we need. It's no shame on them, but it's our responsilbity to take care of ourselves around these people. It's like walking up to a homeless person and asking them if you can take a rest in their house. They don't have a house. I've had to do work around this with my mother, she just doesn't have what I need. I could take her scraps whenever she feels like throwing some out, or I could love her, understand that she is "homeless" and find my own food and shelter. We cannot let someone dictate what kind of relationship we have with them. We can get off of the merry-go-around, (no it's not that much fun)! We can conduct ourselves with dignity and self-respect.
Sounds like you learned your lesson, just wanted to add a little. Take care
