The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I feel sad every time I talk to my oldest daughter or my grandaughter. My daughter has two children; my granddaughter has two and one on the way.
They're both so depressed because they don't have the discipline to handle their finances. Every time I call them (we live 1,000 miles from each other, I drive to see them when I can), they're so depressed and tell me about their financial woes. They use charge cards, then figure out how to pay for what they bought.
My grandaughter has two children and one due next month - all on medicaid. Her husband who may be alcoholic changes jobs every three months or so.
Ordinarily, I would try to help them financially, but I feel that they wouldn't use it for the kids. The last time I gave my daughter $500.00 she admitted that she bought something she didn't need but "it was so cute". My daughter and my granddaughter both scream at their kids and I know it's because they're causing their own stress.
It's so hard to watch them go slowly downhill. I know I need to detach and I do okay until I talk to them, then my Al-anon goes out the window for a while. My husband doesn't understand enabling but he agrees that they would waste money if I gave it to them.
There is probably more alcohol (possibly drugs) than I would want to know about.
I hate what divorce, dysfunction and alcohol has done to my family.
I know I have to work through this myself, but it would help if I didn't feel so alone. This is harder for me to deal with than my H's alcoholism was.
Thanks for this forum and a safe way for me to talk about this. Any suggestions are welcome.
OOOHHHHH, friend, you are NOT alone. i have grandchildren, and, they have problems. i am learning, the best thing i can do for them is to love them. sometimes, i have to love by letting go. OUCH, that hurts. most times i can love them by just being a support to their parents [my daughters], in the same way i can be a support to you. i am learning that my adult children have just as much a right to make mistakes as the other people in my life. for example, if you got yourself in debt, i would feel sad for you, but i would not take it personaly . in the same way, i must let my adult children live their lives and NOT take their problems personaly. it is their stuff. not mine. they get into debt, they deal with it. just as i would respect you enough to let you deal with your own problems. i need to respect my daughters enough to let them deal with their own problems. i found ''letting go and letting god'' with my adult children waaaaay harder than ''letting go and letting god'' with my husband. i don't know why that is........, it just is.
keep coming back friend. i selfishly need you . reading your post reminded me of what i NEED to know.
I have a suggestion. What about buying a big box and putting things for the children in it? Find out their sizes and let them know they can not return them. This way the kids get what they need, like socks, underwear ect. I have to say though. My husband makes good money and we are still on medicaid. Nothing wrong with it. Where I live the cost of living is through the roof and it's hard to pay all of our bills and live. I sometimes buy things for myself even when I can't afford it. I complain about my situation on occasion too. I'm human We live paycheck to paycheck. I'm a substitute teacher so jobs are here and there. I don't know your relatives situation completley but I do know it's really hard to live comfortably even if you make decent money. It's just the economy. That's my two cents anyway. Children do not need much to be happy. I wish you and your family happiness. Hugs and kisses. mwah.
One thing you CAN be, for sure, is a sane influence and friend for those kids. If and when they are old enough, send a bus ticket and have them to stay for a week or whatever. Let them phone you, or give them stationary with the envelopes addressed to you and stamped (if they would write or send pictures) and find other ways to keep in touch. Sending money, you're right, does not sound like a good idea, but there are other ways to be the calm and stable influence they need.
I can relate to your post. It's so hard watching others fail. Alanon teaches me that I should not do for others what they can do for themselves.
I had a somewhat similar situation where my family has tried to help my sister out of one financial mess after the other. Others have loaned her money. She didn't use it for the purpose she asked either and they were resentful. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."
Suggest Al-anon to your children and grandchildren. I like friend's suggestion of you sending special, specific gifts to your grandchildren rather than money.
For me, sitting by and watching someone struggle is so uncomfortable; however, in my experience, every time I stepped in to assist only for nothing made me crazy too.
I hope you keep coming Carolena, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thanks, everyone for your support. I know I need to detach - I've been carrying this far too long. I'm so glad I no longer live close to the situations because it's easier for me to detach.
One reason I feel like I have no biological family is because of my involvement in Alanon which has caused me to be a better person. I didn't know about Alanon years ago when I first needed it; I found out about it when I attended OA meetings. When I started changing from a wimp who accepted abuse into a person who started to get a life, my dysfunctional family couldn't accept it and tried to get me to go back to the way I was before Alanon.
The reason I've accepted abuse from my adult children is because I didn't want to lose my grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It's a long story which I won't go into unless someone thinks it would help them somehow.
My grandchildren and great grandchildren's parents continually buy beautiful clothing, plenty of food, latest toys, etc. and whatever the kids want. The oldest g-gcx goes to private kindergarten.
What my granddaughter might not have soon is a roof over their head. They live in a very small 2-bedroom apartment and have been told that they need to move to a larger one because of the new baby coming next month.
I have no objection to Medicaid being used if it's really needed. My granddaughter was bragging to me about how much she gets it and how much she gets; she has no intention of ever going off of it.
I've suggested Alanon to them and have told me they don't need it and don't have time for it. I keep praying that they will go at some point.
What I'm planning to do to help me detach is not call them. I made that promise to myself before and didn't stick to it. Look where it got me - from now on I will send letters and pictures, etc. Hopefully, the kids will see them.
I'm going to get off of here and do something to take my mind off all this.
Jewelry, you're not selfish - you're following the Alanon program - we're here for each other. You've made me feel needed; I need you, too.
Oh Dear, You certainly aren't alone!! I found out after my daughter had moved back home that she and her friend used a lot of the money I gave her on booze and drugs. IT HURT!! I worked damned hard for that money!! That was when I started to understand about enabling. It's so hard not to help them out, but when you see the money you worked so hard for being wasted, it helps you take a second look, and a step back! Alanon is so helpful in all aspects of our lives, eh? Keep coming back, Love TLC
This way the kids get what they need, like socks, underwear ect.
Nothing wrong with it. 
Where I live the cost of living is through the roof and it's hard to pay all of our bills and live. I sometimes buy things for myself even when I can't afford it
. I complain about my situation on occasion too. I'm human
We live paycheck to paycheck. I'm a substitute teacher 
so jobs are here and there. I don't know your relatives situation completley but I do know it's really hard to live comfortably even if you make decent money. It's just the economy
. That's my two cents anyway.
Children do not need much to be happy. I wish you and your family happiness. Hugs and kisses. mwah.
