The material presented
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I'm having a bad couple of hours and just want to finsish work and go find my AH and beg him to have me back and just hold him forever and never let go..... But instead I'm sitting here writing this - man this sucks - I know he's toxic and all that other stuff but I just can't stop wishing we were together again and having a good day....
(((tune)))) Being apart from those we love can be very, very hard. Take this time to learn all you can about alcoholism. There are lots of good books out there. Read this board. Come to chat. Go to meetings. Take care of tune!
I know when my AH and I were separated for 3.5 months, and then again he left for 7 weeks, and we had no contact, were very hard on me. Probably harder on me than on him, as he can numb his pain, where I have to confront mine. Yes, it does suck.
I tried to focus on myself, hand him over to HP, and work on MY recovery. No, it hasn't been easy, and I still have a lot of work to do. And my AH is still my AH. Still doing the things A's do. But I am still in love and want to somehow stay married to him. Most days, I am pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way, but sometimes he does. Like, just yesterday, he didn't drink, cooked us a fantastic dinner, talked to me, kissed me. Tonight, he comes home drinking again, and is sitting by himself in the backyard doing just that. And I am getting ready to go to a yoga class. What I really want to do, is talk to my husband, hold hands and take a walk, go get an icecream or something...sucks, sucks, sucks!
I often wish my AH would just quit drinking, turn back into the man I first fell in love with, hold me forever, realize he can't live without me. But, you know, that is just a fairy tale. The cold, hard, reality is our husbands are A's. Not fairy-tale princes. You know, I ain't no fairy-tale princess either! LOL Glad you are here. Keep coming back. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I totally understand what you are going through. My AH called me 2 days ago after not a word for 3 weeks. I had been doing great for those 3 weeks. But then just hearing his voice made me remember what we USED to have. And I struggled with that for a few days. I snapped out of it today when he called me from JAIL!!!! But right before that, I was remembering how he used to look on summer days, hanging around outside in his tank top and backwards baseball cap, all buff and tan and gorgeous. (It was a nice warm sunny day today - that is what reminded me of that). And yesterday I was feeling so lonely, longed for his arms to be around me & hold me tight. I AM BETTER NOW. He is not that man I remember and long for any more. And he just proved that to me today. So you just hang in there girl....this will pass. And you'll wake up feeling stronger again soon. Good Luck to you.
I think everyone feels that way but like Dr. Phil said... You choose the choice you choose the consequence and you already know what that is most likely. I know I feel that way periodically and i just try to remember what it is REALLY like rather than the fantasy in my mind of what it could or might or would have been or i'd like it to be like.....
I just wanted you to know that I can relate to how you are feeling. I was told when I first came into Al-anon not to make any major decisions until I had been in the program for 6 months. I took me that long just to begin to have the fog lifted. I also know that in my experience, when I did choose to separate from my AH, I just knew it was what I had to do at that time. And I was ok, sure I missed him, but I was ok. I also knew when I was ready to reconcile. I did a lot of reading of CAL on all kinds of topics and no one, I mean no one, in Al-anon told me what to do. They listened, shared their ESH and directed me as far as reading. Often times, my thinking is so distorted that I think an issue is about one thing, or that I have pinpointed a feeling and then someone in program says, "you know what, I think you should read some pages on ___________" and bam, they are right on track.
Just a couple of things I have learned, Today I have choices, and one of them is to decide not to decide today. That I am not alone, others are and have been where I am. That I will not be criticized for the decisions I make by people in program. That the people in Al-anon understand and that those who do not live with this disease just cannot. Do not go to the hardware store for milk, you will not find it there.
Take some time for you, relax, journal on what brought you to your decision, decide what you can and cannot live with, read on boundaries, decisions, just scan the index and see what pops out at you.
One of the tools I learned early in recovery was called "playing through the tape." It's pretty straight forward: I imagine through the consequences or the realities of a choice. For example, if you "played through the tape" of going back to your loved one in active disease what would happen? In the first 24 hrs? In the first 48? In the first 7 days? And then how would you live your life? It made me aware of my disease and my thinking in a whole new way.
Believe me, I understand the draw to go back. With time, you'll make whatever decision is best and right for you. In the meantime, after a break-up or "break" when I am dealing with all of the--I just want to crawl back into your loving arms feelings--it has helped me to not just use willpower or white knuckle through these feelings by attempting to ignore them. It has helped me to acknowledge that at the base of my desire are a set of real needs--to be touched, to be listened to, to be comforted, etc. And then set about meeting those needs. When I need gentle, caring touch, I schedule a massage. When I need to be listened to, I call a friend or my sponsor. When I need to be comforted, I cozy up with a good book, soothing music, and a cup of your favorite tea. And, sometimes, I just need to be distracted so I go to a movie, treat myself to dinner, talk a walk. Additionally, I rely heavily on my program--I attend Al-Anon meetings, I talk to my sponsor, I do a lot of Alanon-related reading. I find, too, that the more I move and get up and go, the less I ruminate, second-guess, and torture myself with the what-ifs. Of course when I have longed for the one that I love, it seems like only that person can meet my needs, but I have found that I can always remake a decision later, and until then taking care of me is the best way to deal with the in the meantime.
Not so long ago, I found myself sobbing over our situation during his relapse . . . to yearn for someone, and miss them so much, I felt the same pain in my guts for days, just that feeling. I also knew he would take me down with him if I didn't save myself. What a hard, hard place to be. It sort of feels like *no way out* . . . there is, of course, Al Anon is one way, which is why I'm here. It was my only decent choice if I wanted to work toward a peaceful and deeper life.
i just wanted to share with you......., i understand the draw to go back. for me it was a matter of changing the way i think and feel about the situation. as i prayed for the "courage to change'', i realized the draw to go back was as much a habitual behavior [or addiction] as the alcoholics drinking. i could see that he became my addiction. i am still married to my activly drinking husband, but, my attitude toward him has changed. i am dealing with other alcoholics in my life........, and, i know......, they just have to go. my sanity comes before them.
GOD,
grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and, the Wisdom to know the difference.
Well, I went the nite - I did drive by his house and I did try to call but he did not answer - I talked to my sister for 2.5 hours on the phone and that distracted me - You are right about getting about and moving and distractions - I had all day at work yesterday to sit at my desk and not do work and just think about him and start to go crazy- so today I try to make myself be busier and if it hits I will just get up and go outside for a walk. Thanks for the support and I'm trying hard to do the one day at a time thing........:o) - I will also attend a meeting today at lunch and hopefully get some reading material so at home I can work on that. Hear's to a better day!!!!
