The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
By Janet Woititz.... I picked this book up last night again. I discovered that I had not read it all in its entirety. Best book I could have picked up for myself last night. I just identified with so much in it. Melodie Beatie makes reference to this author several times in Codependent No More. One thing that really stuck with me that maybe had not clicked before, or my codependency just got out of control that I'd pushed this to the side.
"If you truly want him to get well, it is important that you do nothing to get in the way of his drinking or using (in my case)".
If he goes out to use or drink, or both I would always have a comment the next morning. This would get him defensive and he'd react badly. Yesterday, I addressed the behavior of spending money we didn't have, I did not address the drinking because what good would that do? I can address the behaviours, the lying, the verbal haranguing, the disrespect. The using and drinking is part of the disease. I was able to distinguish between my husband and my AH for just a few moments last night. It doesn't help the pain per se, in fact its scary to just do nothing about the drinking, drugging, and the consequences he will ensue. I get it now, that if he doesn't get to the point where he's so sick and in such pain that he will never seek recovery until he really wants it. HP cannot help him until he's ready to be helped. I can offer suggestions, but then I really need to practice detaching because he may not heed the suggestion of help. (The biggest fear I have about the consequences, is that he'll sink me and kids with him) who wouldn't have that fear.
"Today is a new day today", no pot no nothing. He said. I said maybe you want to give the psychiatrist a call and set up your evaluation? At this point I let him know if he really wants the help the number is on the bulletin board, we'll sacrifice the money to get the evaluation if he really wants to stabilize his emotions. I see now how I have bought into these times, these declarations of I'm going to get clean and sober, I would be so euphoric and happy, and then so disappointed because he'd pick up and use again before the day or week was over. All I could say today was I'm sending you good thoughts and prayers that you can get through the day. So, its a new day for me today too, a day that I can focus on my work, myself, and emotionally detaching to stay happy.
I know this book has been mentioned here before, it is very informative and helps to pinpoint what is happening with the A and then what's happening to the spouse and the children.
Wishing each of you a day of peace and serenity. Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm right there with you twinmom. I would feel that same excitement every time my A said he was going to quit. I picked up my pom-poms and stood behind him cheering every positive thing I could. And just as you said, the exitement was gone in days, sometimes even hours. It was such a rollercoaster; it was exhausing! Then, after reading the Detachment chapter over and over until I really got it, my attitude changed to "Good luck with that." And I really meant it. I realized I was powerless and instead of feeling helpless and frustrated with the powerlessness, I accepted it. It was his problem to solve and I wished him the best of luck in solving it. I couldn't believe how great that felt. I was finally free from his problem. He didn't get that at first. He thought my "Good luck with that" motto was sarcasm. He thought I was mocking him and saying he couldn't do it. I think he finally gets it now. At least with the drinking anyway. He's been sober now for 2 months and he's finally seeing a lot of things differently. Now I have to learn to apply it to the rest of my life.
I have had a lot of over reactivity to the A. I think its taken me a full year of al anon to get to what are my bottom lines. I had none before. I'd try to control and force the A to do stuff. The A is capable of a lot. I have seen him work round the clock day and night at times. For me these days there is a growing realization that I do not want this kind of hard, constant friction, constant crisis life. I can't do it to my health. I don't blame the A for my health going down the toilet when i first met him. At the same time the way he behaved then was a sign that he was not the kind of supportive partner I need. In fact I'd say the A is not a partner at all he is a thorn in my side most of the time. Right now I am waiting to hear the result of yet another speeding ticket that he has to appear on next week. The A has great great charm and can spin the illness number he will probably not lose his license this time. Nevertheless the license and his life are on the line. The irony is he's stopped drinking and using the self destruction is still very very very much there. I am no longer willing to put myself on the line for it.
For me the next few months are crunch time. The A and I are physically separating for a while that will help me. I will no longer be party to so much of his self destruction. At the same time I feel incredibly angry that he let it get to that. I also feel, as always that his denial is like slaps of the pyramids so huge and so inpenetrable that I have no other choice but to detach.
I was finally free from his problem. He didn't get that at first. He thought my "Good luck with that" motto was sarcasm. He thought I was mocking him and saying he couldn't do it. I think he finally gets it now. At least with the drinking anyway. He's been sober now for 2 months and he's finally seeing a lot of things differently. Now I have to learn to apply it to the rest of my life.