The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to say thanks to those who responded to my post yesterday. I was feeling a little emotionally needy and your posts gave me some good ESH. The active addiction is back and I guess it has taken me a couple of weeks to accept that. Yesterday I was driving back to office from my lunch break and I felt that I needed to really get some emotional distance between my AH and his addiction. Its just too intense right now for me to deal with. The best I can do right now is put some personal attention into caring for myself. Last night he was in a terrible mood, he ended up going out to help a friend. He knew we didn't have money to spend on anything else but food or gas, but he decided to buy beer instead. He did tell me before I found out by looking at the bank statement online, so I guess that is some improvement. I didn't give him a hard time about the beer. That's what A's do right, when their having a bad day they justify pouring the booze down to feel better about the situation. I did say that if you want me to trust you with the finances it doesn't help when you spend money that we don't have. So, in frustration I said you can take on the responsibility of paying the bills from now on. He graciously accepted, but after saying it I realized that this is not a good idea. So, I plan on just sitting down with him and doing the bills so he can see what money we have. I broke out Codependent No More last night and re-read the chapter on Detachment. The slogan First things First came to mind. In order for me to gain some peace I need to emotionally detach from the feelings I have around his addiction and behaviour. This is when it gets tough for me, because a huge part of me wants to physically detach. This evening I was so exhausted I just went into the bedroom and took a quick nap, I didn't ask for permission, I just did it. It felt good to sleep a little. The kids and I just went about our night after that, but I felt so much better. I haven't talked much to him tonight. He didn't go to work today, (big suprise) because he started passing blood again. Happens lately after he drinks. I didn't ask too many questions around that either, because I figure he'll tell me what he wants to tell me. He said they took x-rays but found nothing.
So my prayer tonight is that I have an even better day than today and just keep turning over those thoughts, feelings, and fears to my HP. I'm so thankful I have this program and this group to share with, I don't feel so lost this time around.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
My ah had passed blood in his urine and it was ulcers, which to him was nothing because he could still drink. There is however another serious illness that alcholics can get (can't think of the name right now) but if untreated he could die. He needs to be seen. Sorry you are going through this. I am so tired right now so I will try to write more tomorrow. I just didn't want you to feel alone. Good night. Your in my prayers ^i^
HI Twin Mom I understand the frustration with feeling like you have to detach without underminding your husband. It's a gift to be able to do so. Don't give up on it!! For me, it's an ongoing process.
I can relate to the financial issue also. I often feel as though I am swimming upstream against my husband's spending! A while ago, in the name of protecting myself and being sure bills are paid, I had my husband removed from our chequing acct where his spending $$ is his own, after he makes his contribution to the chequing acct. This has helped in some ways. (I thought it was great that you were able to see the good in your husband, in that he told you about his spending, before you were surprised by seeing your acct! ) Also, I know what it is like to worry about the health of my husband. I've had to do some real conscious detachment from this. "His body. His life. His choices." is a little mantra that I tell myself. It's hard to watch those you love make unhealthy choices, I know. At the same time, I know that there are choices I make sometimes that don't reflect a healthy lifestyle and I try to remember that and think about how I'd feel if people I loved were microscoping me and calling me on that!! That helps put me back into MY place and MY program!!
I am reading a great book right now called Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps also by Melody Beattie. I am really finding it helpful.
Wishing for you serenity today, tomorrow and forever!
I think this is an important post for me. My anger and rage at the A gets in the way of my functioning. I have to remember he exists in a sea of denial I cannot break that. He has to get to some bottom with that.
