The material presented
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Ok so yesterday I finally broke down and allowed a conversation to take place with my husband (despite restraining order) over yahoo chat. I told him exactly how I REALLY felt and have felt all along since we split up. He has been going to meetings every day and just got a new totally FAT job as usual (which always pisses me off). Anyway the long and the short of it is he acts like he doesn't want me anymore which makes me sad cuz I want him to want me I just don't want to want him. Crazy huh? I guess I really do want him I just don't want to. LOL. Anyway so it made me sad and I still feel bitter and resentful but am trying to get past it to get along for the kids so that we can arrange a visitation scehdule at some point. I don't know how to just let a little of him in without wanting him I don't know how to be his friend and I don't know if I want to because it still hurts me. I still don't believe I will ever find anyone I love as much or feel as close to as him. I wonder if perhaps I shouldn't have been so honest about my feelings about him as it could be used against me to manipulate me later on. I wanted him to understand the difference between the cold front I have been putting out and the reality of how I feel inside. Now he does so I guess he can do with that whatever he wants. I sure wish I knew what I was doing sometimes!
You really should obey the restraining order, your showing him it's ok to break the rules. (that's just my opinion) Are you going to Al-anon meetings? I'm sure they will teach you how to detach and be friends. I've never been in your exact situation, when I broke it off, I meant it. I learned a long time ago to mean what I say and say what I mean. Good luck.
Actually I went to a meeting right before that where we talked about detaching with love and kindness and not a vendetta so I was trying to be nice. I do want him to see his kids but I still want him and I know it and it's dangerous for me to be around him because one of two things happens 1 I want him back and let boundaries slide OR 2 I stop moving ahead with my life because I still feel like I belong with him. Neither one is good for me.
Carolinagirl, I can completely relate to your post. At times I have prayed that my A b/f would dump me, to put me out of the misery of wanting to be with someone who hurts me so badly. I'm sure that that would be just a different form of pain. I can't tell you how many times I have kicked him out only to take him back. I am in a predicament now where I worry about when he gets out of jail. I suck at setting boundaries, so how in the world am I going to hold him to them, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I wish I had more ES&H to offer. I just want you to know that your not alone in your feelings. Trying to be true to yourself when you still have strong feelings for the A's in your life is painfully confusing if you ask me.
Well personally I think we can all be hard on ourselves about dealing with the A. I have told the A I live with over and over lately that I have nothing left to give. I pay for nothing anymore but my own stuff. He has that message. I think it took me 7 years to get to that. My compulsive rescuing was in there before.
I also think for me at least there is an awe what denial can do. The A I live with can bounce back. He can get the good job, he can seem to be on his feet. For me the issue is that with or without the booze the self destructive behavior is still there, the reckless driving, the putting everyone in the world before me, the temper tantrums, the financial mess. That has not changed. He may have stopped drinking but that behavior is still there and it is not changing at all. I don't have any hope anymore of how it will.
I think it is pretty normal to go back and forth. The A I live with can have real sweet endearing moments. He can also be a totally selfish pig. I hold them both together. I am getting old. I am 51 now. I know my physical health cannot take it anymore.
I have tremendous ties with the A, possessions, pets, cars/trucks. All those issues do not get resolved in a day. They do get resolved in time though. Give yourself some time. You are newly separated. I no longer think in terms of will I love anyone again, will I invest again. I think one day at a time. I also know for me personally going to that space of total overwhelm and over stress is just going to make me ill.
