The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all. I am new here. Have posted a couple of times but mostly lurking. My h is an alcoholic and has been struggling with sobriety for about 8 months. (He was sober 7 years prior to this recent relapse but without a program)
We have been seperated since August. He has done a 10 day stint in rehab followed by 68 days sober. but...he was not attending AA meetings, only attending outpatient meetings with his treatment program. No sponsor.
He has been drinking again for over a month and last weekend got his first DUI.
I am going to Alanon, have a sponsor and am working my program.
We have 3 children S15 S12 D4
He is now discussing the option of going into a 30 day treatment facility.
My question is which is the true H? When he is drunk, he e-mails me with so much remorse. He loves me, loves the kids, is devestated about the hurt he is causing, is confused and scared, etc. He never blames me but takes it all on to himself.
sober...well the only way he can stay sober right now is to live and breathe AA so, when he is focused on that I dont hear from him much. Then, he drinks and it is all about how I am his rock and his strength etc.
Will the real AH please stand up? LOL. I am trying to detach. When I get these e-mails my response is "We love you. Please get help" which isnt always received well but I dont know what else to say to him.
anyway, thanks for listening. He is at a business conference in Vegas and I have been projecting all morning as to what he is doing. I am posotive he is sleeping with all the showgirls or gambeling away our childrens college education. I want DESPERATELY to call and check up on him so I decided to post here instead.
Angel, your post is a positive one, and there is no doubt in my mind that you have the skills to cope and you and your three children will be fine. That being said, which is the REAL husband? The sober one or the drunk one? Good question, and one which I have pondered myself. Some say that we should pay no attention to what they say when drunk as it is "the disease talking." Others quote the Latin, "In vino veritas." In the wine is truth. Simply put, I don't know the answer. All I have to offer you is a sincere welcome to MIP and an invitation to come back often. I will be interested in others' comments on this question.
I send sincere good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't have the answer to your question either - have felt the same way often though - wondered how this man I have been married to for almost 15 yrs can be the Dr Jekle & Mr. Hyde in a matter of minutes. And that's even when he's sober.
I still try to read the information, literature, etc. on alcoholism/addiction - but most of all, I have come to accept that I will never truly understand this disease - It blows my mind to try to comprehend the different areas of my AH's personality that it can affect.
A good friend asked me once, did it bother me that my AH, now 4 yrs in the program of AA was gone a lot for meetings and service work. I said "No not really, because before when he was using he wasn't ever really home with us anyway." So working his program does take him away from our home a lot, does require a lot of service work, but he is also understanding about the time that my program and service work takes me away from our home & time away from him too. Took us a while to get there, but we are there now, thanks to our HP.
I'm glad you are attending Al-Anon, that you have a sponsor, working your program & posting here - Those are great tools for taking care of you & helping yourself gain serenity.
And one more thing - about what you responded to the emails you receive when he is drinking - probably wouldn't matter what you said - I know when my AH was using it didn't matter what I said or did - it was never the "right" thing. So please try not to stress to much about that. Expressing your love & a desire for them to get help is a great way of showing concern without trying to give them a difficult time for drinking.
One day at a time and keep coming back - we are glad you are here with us, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think his actions, drinking, trying not to drink, trying to be sober and the remorse are all part of the cycle of alcoholism.
I used to persuade myself that the remorse was him maybe seeing the light. I thought it was him on his way to sobriety. I used to fool myself of this , so many times. I now see that it is just another part of the disease. Its the cunning, the part that makes us think he is choosing a different way.
Every time I did this my hopes were smashed. I had to stop fooling myself.
I also did all the checking up on him and accusing him and obsessing, when he was out of my sight. It did me no good though. Even if I did catch him out (which I did) what good did it do me. Maybe I thought my catching him out would make him, shame him into changing his behaviour. Of course this never worked.
I love your email response 'we love you, please get help'. This shows you care so much and that he himself has to do something about his disease.
You are in my prayers, keep comong back and letting us know how you are getting on. AM
Here's the way I think about it. Do you remember the poem "Children learn what they live"? This is the way I see alcholism......the alcoholic drinks and starts to learn bad character traits and it will eventually become part of the person, lying, cheating, manipulating, remorsefulness, ect. It's not until they learn the good character traits that they can once again live normal lives. I felt like you, I lived with Jekyl and Hyde and I was confused and didn't know if I loved this man or if it was the disease and he was lost inside his body somewhere. So it was up to him to get sober (1st step) and then learn how to live sober (2nd step) so it's a learning process. That's just the way I look at it.
Angel1 wrote: Thank you all. It is comforting to know there are people here who can help and have been in my shoes.
I have to tell you "friend" your picture freaks me out a little
I will continue to post here as it is like a meeting at home!
God Bless you all -angel
LMBO, sorry. I think she's a cutie pie. It freaked me out too at first when she blinked but then I was like "oh that's too cool" You'll get used to it ;)
