The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Monday marked the 3 week since my AH left. I hadn't heard from him in all that time. Then yesterday morning he called and said he wanted his gun safe out of storage and asked if he could have the key. I told him I'd meet him there and he said he'd call me when he got to this side of town. I didn't hear from him until 3:30 that afternoon. He told me he wasn't going to make it but maybe tomorrow.
So this morning he text messaged my cell phone and asked if I'd leave the key under the door mat. And he said that he love me always and for me to hug and kiss the kids for him. So I text him and said I would do that. Then he called me about the time I was dropping our daughter off at the sitter's. He asked for my sister's cell number so he could ask her a question but wouldn't elaborate. Then he told me that he planned on leaving town tonight or in the morning. Of course I have heard that one before.....he has been telling everyone that for the last 3 weeks.
He sounded pretty good this morning....better than yesterday. And I miss him. The old him. The one that was so sweet and lovable. And I had to fight the urge to call him back after our quick talk and ask him to meet me today so I could get a hug from him. I miss curling up in his strong safe arms. I miss that wonderful protected feeling I used to get from him. I realized this morning just how lonely I am even though I have pretended not to be.
I realize too that he is NOT that same man that I am missing. He is different and I can't imagine that he will ever be that man again. I might see the occasional glimpse of him but never have the whole man back again. And I don't want just the wasted left over shell of him. I want him! The old him! Oh man, I am going backwards in my recovery today. And it is so not fair. I have been doing so well. Today I am feeling weak and alone and so very sad.
You're not going backwards at all. Its all progress not perfection. I think the fact that you recognize that his illness has changed him is progress in itself. You are not trying to fool yourself.
It's very natural that you should miss the relationship you once had. It's nautral to miss him and to be lonely. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though I know.
It seems to me that you are grieving the relationship as it used to be, and this is only natural. Don't be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself the space to grieve. I know it's hard to comprehend at this time, but this too will pass.
Hate that you are having a difficult day today - hate that you are feeling the pain of loneliness & missing what your AH was before the disease took over his life. That is a sad and hurtful place to be.
In my recovery, I go thru those down days also. I try to give myself some extra care on those days. So if you can today, please try to give yourself the extra TLC that you deserve, the little things that help you make it through the day. I know it won't make the pain go away, but hopefully it will help you to know that you are not alone & give you that little boost of strength to know you can make it through another day.
Sending thoughts of comfort & peace your way, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I did that alot too. You never know you may get that back one day. I lived on hope for so long. I was lucky and have that man that I dreamed of back. It took eight years but it happend. It happend in "HIS" time. Our HP's time. I can't say if my ah will stay this person but I'm hoping he likes it much better then the old him. Keep the faith but move on with your life for the better. Sorry your having a bad sweetheart. We grieve because we lost a person. So I just wanted to say your perfectly normal. Lots of love and always in my prayers ^i^
I am sorry you are having a hard day. You are sounding strong though. We never have this in our plans and dreams do we? I hope your loneliness and pain ease. Keep taking care of you and take it easy today if you can.
I am having a hard/weak day too. Don't feel bad I guess it happens here and there. I think it's ok to be sad about love lost. I was sad last night when I talked to my husband online after over a month. I wish everything could be how I wanted, I wish we could be the first month together again for eternity but it can never be and it still makes me cry. He is going to meetings every day and sounds good but I don't think I will ever trust him again. I want to move on but I feel stuck to him still. It would be so much easier if I did'nt love him so much! But I have to put on the tough face and try to move on have fun every day and not dwell on what might have been or what could be if only.... It is what it is I guess. AND IT SUCKS!!! But most of the time I am very happy just today has been a little down for me and EVERYONE has down days! Tomorrow will be better start fresh again!
