The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is 3:00am and my A(DA)H just arrived home, ringing the bell because he was locked out (I changed the locks two weeks ago). As he handed me the keys to my car which he took without permission, he said "I relapsed." I couldn't let him in the door, I took the keys and said "goodbye" before I shut it and locked it again.
He has been unemployed for two and a half weeks waiting to be allowed back to work. He decided that no one would know when he tried to get some drugs on his way to work except that the deal went bad and the dealer through a mortar in the car and blew up the insides. He lied to the cops and when they called his job to verify his story, his employer pulled his access until they could investigate further and have him seen by their psychiatrist.
He is still on their books, not earning anything but also not eligible for unemployment. He hasn't contributed a penny in weeks but has been sucking me dry for gas money to get to AA meetings, cigarettes and copayments for his therapist. I haven't been able to pay all our bills without his income.
He just called and his sponsor told him to call me to see if he can spend the night here until he can get into a rehab tomorrow and I said no. I cannot take his nonchalant "Oh, I screwed up again, so I'll just go into rehab for a few weeks until I can get and do this again" attitude. We have done the 30-day rehab stint several times already and it gets old.
We have a 19-month-old son that I am afraid for and I need to support. I have been trying to find a second job that will pay me enough that I can cover our expenses, but have been unsuccessful so far. I was really hoping that my A(DA)H would stay clean and sober long enough to get back to work and let me pay off some of our overdue bills.
I am so tired and have no money. He has screwed up my credit so I can't borrow from anywhere and already owe family the little I had to borrow to pay last months rent. I don't know what to do.
I get up everyday, drop my son off at daycare and go to work. I try to set a good example for my son, but I just don't know if throwing his father out to wander the streets like he homeless is the best thing to do.
If anyone has some words of wisdom, I would great appreciate them. I am so exasperated and exhausted by all this and can no longer seem to find the strength to do anything.
I want to say, you sound like you have a lot on you, doing your best to take care of your baby and you. What would make you want to add more to your plate?
He is a big boy, when we enable them we do not help them. I am talking money for anything. He can get to meetings and pay his own copays if it is really important to him. As far as his sponsor suggesting things, bs they all use that. sounds good huh? OH yes we must do what his sponsor says. I bet he did not even talk to his sponsor.
If I were you I would cont. with what I was doing, minus giving him anything. Good for you for changing the locks. the more miserable he is, the better. He does not believe yet he is really through with using.
Of course you are tired, you are still thinking you are "helping" the A. It is a bottomless pitt you are allowing him to pull you into.
Save your energy for you and your precious baby. YOUR husbands disease makes him homeless not YOU. He is a big boy, allow him the dignity to pull himself up if he can.
allowing him to come in and use you is not helping but making him comfortable enough to use again. an exuse not to get help.
If you can you may want to give yourself time to rest some, and then sit down and write your needs and wants. write what you have to take care of.
There is help out there for power bills, food, baby stuff etc. You may have to decide to move somewhere less expensive or take in a house mate.
There are options hon. but you need to rest some. And they may mean he has to stay away. You have made it clear, locking doors, not letting him in, getting your keys. You might want to figure out another way to lock your vehicle as he may have gotten copies of your keys.
they will say anything, lie, steal, manipulate to get what they want when they are this sick. you doing anything helps the disease.
gads I know it is hard, been there, am there. It only gets worse. all so sad.
keep coming back. love,debilyn who is proud of you
Absolutely agree with all Debilyn has said. Especially the being proud of you bit. I admire your courage at doing what you have to do. I have been where you are too. When we get so exhausted by living with this disease in our lives, we have to step back and regain our energy for ourselves. It hard to see clearly when we are exhausted.
When I was reading your story I rememberd the face of my ah at our door and me doing the same thing. I even had to call the cops once because he kept banging on the door and ringing the door bell and my kids were 13 months and two newborn babies. The cops said "sir do you live here" and I said "he's an alcoholic and no longer lives here and he hasn't for two months" and they drove him wherever it was that he went. That was seven years ago and he just now is getting sober. You ARE doing the right thing. It may or may not make him see the light but you are doing what's best for you and your baby. You have to be the secure parent. That's what made me stronger is the fact that I had to be my children's safety net. I was ALL they had to protect them and I was going to do that even if it killed me. I don't think your husband see's what he did and how bad it could get. If the tag on your car is registered to your address, what if those drug dealers got your home address? That's what I told my husband. I said "could you live with yourself knowing that when you bought drugs that they may come here and kill me and your children?" That scared me to where I couldn't sleep for a while. You and your son are in my prayers. Stay strong and lean on us when you need us. xoxox
(((((Amy))))) You are doing fine, so far. Now do something to take care of you, so you will have strength for the next round. So sad when they still can't find thier bottom. But, we don't have to let them drag us down there with them. Also, I think the more we enable, the lower the bottom may be. Keep standing up for yourself and your baby. It was hard for me to admit that I had to protect my son from his father, but when I realized he was taking him to drug dealers houses, that was it. I had to get tough, too. You are inspiring in your strength.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you all so much for you kindness and support - you all made me feel so much better about my decision.
BTW, my address is not the address on my car registration - I use a PO box for that - I guess I was thinking of our safety without even realizing it.
Here is an update:
At 5:00am my door bell rings again and it is the police. Apparently after wandering around for a couple of hours my AH went to the PD and told them that he had nowhere to go. The officer wanted to know my version and I told the officer that he appeared hours earlier explained all that happened.
The police offered to drive him to an detox center that apparently said they would take him. He called me a few minutes later and I advised him that they most likely would not take him because he was not in need of detox and our insurance probably wouldn't pay.
He called me an hour later and said that I was right and they wouldn't take him. He had no money and no way to get anywhere. He then asked if he could rent a room from me so he could be near his support group and meetings until he saved enough money to move out. I reluctantly agreed only with the condition that he had better have a job -- any job -- by the end of the day.
He walked 16 miles home and broke into the house -- didn't know that he knew an alternate way to get in -- since he handed me his keys at 3:00am. He then advised that he was going to find himself a job and would call me to let me know how he made out.
After dealing with the window he knew how to get in through, I have to reiterate to him that the first day that he does not go to work and a meeting he is OUT. I am sick of enabling and having my kindness mistaken for weakness. I am so angry and tired. I repeatedly keep saying to him I don't want him near me or our son and that he used up all his chances.
I still have no idea how I am going to pay the bills and spent most of the morning looking for a second job - instead of doing my first job. I guess it is time to look to my HP, which I hadn't thought I had found yet, but I guess I have.
Thanks again, I don't think I would have gotten this far today without all your support.
