The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Due to my own alcoholic behavior, I have lost the best friend I have ever had. Unfortunately this person has me pegged for someone completely different, having seem me drunk out of my mind and behaving badly. I was so awful, and I fear there is just no repairing the relationship. We are in very close proximity to one another, so we pretty much have to see eachother everday without taking evasive measures. It's only been not even a week since our falling out, and this has me terribly depressed. I hate that my friend now thinks so lowly of me, that every time this person looks at me they will be whispering something terrible underneath their breath. I hope that with time, one day we will run into eachother and be able to rebuild our broken relationship. I know this would be my friend's choice, so there is a very real possibility this will never happen. I don't know how to explain that the drinking person isn't the same as me, the real person that I am inside. I really just don't know what to do and this is killing me. It's funny, before we became such fast friends, we would see eachother here and there, and I wouldn't even give it a second thought. Now every memory is running through my head, and I realize they may be all that I have left. I may never have the opportunity to be friends with this person again, and that makes me terribly sad :(
I read your other thread too, and I also found myself packing away the alcohol in the evenings after work (at a chemical dependency rehab!). While my AH was in treatment for HIS relapse, I was pouring alcohol into my soda cans, and then down my throat. Today, I don't touch alcohol and haven't for over three years. It's definitely in my family, so I'm not going there.
While it's true you may have lost your friend, at least you are holding yourself responsible for your behavior. That is a huge, huge positive, bigger than you can see right now. Most people would still be blaming or moaning, and giving themselves permission to continue drinking because of all the bad things happening in their life.
You "got a grip" before you lost more than one friend, think of all the A's out there who have chosen alcohol over all their friends and families, and are drinking alone. You took control of what you could -- pouring that first drink down your throat -- and so quickly recognized what losses you do have. I am VERY impressed with your willingness to accept change and hardship for your own health.
When a certain someone is on your mind to the point you feel overwhelmed by guilt, pray for them. It helps me to do that with people I find myself resenting, angry with, afraid of, etc. Pray for their wellbeing, that they have love and support and comfort when they are in pain. It reroutes your guilty into a useful "energy". Even one little prayer for your lost friend can change your pain into peace, even if only for a little while. Plus, it probably helps the friend, too!
There are a LOT of us out here with your story in our lives. Think gratefully on the friends and family you do have, and pray for those you've wronged or who have wronged you.
I know you are feeling rotten right now, and that is okay. Just take solace in the program and the knowledge that when you are ready you can make amends with your friend and let it go. The most important thing is that you are facing the problem, not hiding from it.
Part of both programs (AA & Alanon) is keeping our side of the street clean. If we've done something wrong, step up and own it right away.
Is there a reason you aren't apologizing to your friend? You said you don't know how to explain it. You don't need to explain that you are a different person when you drink. That's probably real obvious. What is important is that this person knows that the relationship is important to you and that you are getting help and are sorry. That's it, then you have done your part. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You may not believe this, but it is said out of love and hope for you.
Good you feel bad, this is what Aism does. You have a horrible disease that if you think this is as bad as you can feel, forget it. If an A cont. to use they will hit lower places than you can even imagine.
You still care, or do you? Are you more hurt for yourself, or the person you hurt? Both are good starting places.
Hurt enough for you that you don't want to feel this way again. Do what only you can make a decision to do or know you are ready to do.
If a person really believes they hurt for what the disease makes them do, they may be ready to walk to an AA meeting.
If you said you woke up in a gutter, you were tired of sleeping under a bridge and barfing every time you swallow. I would say good, feel bad, feel really bad, bad enough to do your best to give in and grab hp's hand and say I will do anything not to use again.
I hate this disease so much, I have learned so much. Makes me so very torn to see addicts so owned by this disease. And more torn by the people who blame the person, not the dang disease.
If this person is whispering about you in front of you, how rude. Who would want them for a friend anyhow.
I can tell you, an using A will apologise a million times, and feel more guilt than most of us will ever feel. You probably relate.
Anyway I am hoping for the best for you. maybe say, and think about how your life fits into the serenity prayer. much love,debilyn
