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I am a 57 your old woman who has never drank alcohol, sinmply because it makes me nauseaus. Long story short, I remet my high school sweetheart in 2000 and moved back to Georgia from California where I had lived for 25 years and we got married. He is an attorney and I am a paralegal. He was always been a drinker, but kept it under control - a couple before dinner, maybe a little more at a party, etc. In 12/15 I was diagnosed with lung cancer and underwent surgery, 4/06 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a lumbectomy and radiation, in 7/06 I was diagnosed with lung cancer in the other lung and inderwent another surgery. I now have 2 pre cancerous spots in my esophagus that are going to be burned off with a laser in April. Around my illnesses my husband has become a full blown alcoholic. His doctor put him in the Hospital for detox in November because his bone marrow had stopped producing red blood cells and he was extremely anemic. He stayed sober for 3 weeks and started drinking more than ever. He hasn't worked in about 6 months and is looking to me for financial support that I don't have or am unwilling to give. I finally gave him an ultimatum that of he didn't quit drinking that I was divorcing him and he would never see me again. He's on his 4th week of sobriety. I worry that it won't last as he is doing it so I won't leave him, not because he wants to stop. I need some advice badly.
Welcome to our board . I assume u arent attending meetings for yourself the only advice I can give is please find some Al-Anon meetings quick your going to need the support. The best way I know of to support our A husbands . wives is to work our own program and stay outtta thier face and off thier backs . There are no guarantees here that sober is the answer to all of our problems , no guarantee that he won't drink again , that will be a decission he has to make . You don't mention if he is attending AA meetings again u both need support and will find it in our programs . good luck Louise .
Sounds to me like you need to stop taking care of him, and worry about taking care of yourself. You've got some serious health issues, the last thing you need is to be worrying about him, on top of it.
One thing alanon can help you with is finding happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. So many of us pin all our hopes on his sobriety (Once he sobers, up, THEN I will be happy), only to find tht sobriety does not bring any solutions, only different problems. The only real answer is to not focus too much attention on him. Enjoy him when he is acting well, protect yourself from his unacceptable actions, and keep your focus on YOU. Sober or not, Alcoholics will suck all the energy out of a relationship, *if we let them*. It is up to us to take care of ourselves, whatever that may mean in our different situations.
Alanon meetings are for those affected by another's drinking (you and me ). If your husband won't go to AA, there's nothing you can do to make him. The only thing we can control is ourselves. Please go to an Alanon meeting. Let them know you are a newcomer.
I am so sorry about all the cancer in your life Please keep coming to this board, get to a meeting, we also have online meetings here also - twice a day.
Maria123
-- Edited by Maria123 at 21:19, 2007-03-12
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have found that when we give our ah's altamatims (sp) that they resent us for it. They "fake" sobriety just to stay married. They realize we will not go through with our threats and so they have a "get out of jail free card". It's like dealing with a child, you can not make threats or punishments and not follow through. I have a question for you. What if (god forbid) something DID happen to you that was life threatening, do you trust him to make the right desision for you? Who will be there to take care of you? Will he use up all of your money that you will eventually need if things get bad? You can not CURE it. You can not CONTROL it. and you did not CAUSE it. Remember these three C's. His alcoholism is the last thing you need right now. I do not have health issue's and I could not imagine having health issues and dealing with a full blown alcoholic. Sounds like your ah is a dry drunk right now too. That's the worst. Good luck sweetie. Keep coming back. Lots of love to you. ^i^
Trust is a huge huge issue in my relationship with the A I live with. There are so many lies and deceits with him. There is no honesty. There is only tremendous expectactions with him. I feel less responsible for him these days. I had to work so so so hard in al anon to detach to get there.
I have no advice for you either. The issue is that the tools in al anon do help us to "cope". Detaching, working on ourselves, focusing on us helps tremendously. I have an enormous sense of betrayal around the A's actions. He is so so so patently self destructive. I have my own issues of course with self defeating behaviors. I have to work on mine and acknowledge his. I am far far far better these days at telling the A I am not able to "give".
I ask the A I live with for very very very simple things. Sometimes it is really difficult to negotiate with him about them. I do. I ask, I work on it. I would not be able to do that without al anon.
I know very very very much how it is to feel desperate, alone, isolated, resentment and at the end of my rope. This group can help immensely. There are people here who have come out the other side. I have also had tremendous health problems. The A's actions unquestionably aggravated those for me. They still could but I am better at setting limits.
I am willing these days to say to the A very very simply I am at a max I have nothing more to give. He can hear that in ways now he could not before. Of course I should not be at a max in a relationship I should have a partnership I don't have one. I have a relationship with someone who is destroying himself on so many levels.
Al anon can help you not be eaten alive by this. This board can help immensely, the people here are compassionate, non judgemental, caring, loving, kind and fearless. They have been there and done that. Some of them have made remarkable transformations.
). If your husband won't go to AA, there's nothing you can do to make him. The only thing we can control is ourselves. Please go to an Alanon meeting. Let them know you are a newcomer.
Please keep coming to this board, get to a meeting, we also have online meetings here also - twice a day.