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Hi - I'm first time on here -but I have lived with an alcoholic man for 5 years and have not tried to get help for myself and he and I have recently had a huge falling out and I've gotten an apartment but he still wanted to be a couple and we were and then this weekend I was at his place and things were fine and then like someone flipped a switch he got soooooo angry and choked me and hit my dog and then I finally got out and left. So now why am I feeling so guilty and bad and why or why do I feel like I love him so much and with fall about without him???? Please help There is al-non meeting here but not until Tuesday nite. THANKS!!!!
I am so glad you found this site, it is a wonderful place to begin to learn to take care of yourself first. One of our primary bits of knowledge is the three C's,
You didn't cause it You can't change it You can't control it
It is hard for us to accept that alcoholics drink despite everything we do to try to help them. The only thing we can do is help ourselves. It sounds like you are beginning to do that by getting your own apartment. Violence is never okay whether someone is intoxicated or not. Take care of yourself and protect yourself. I encourage you to attend the Alanon meeting and ask for the newcomer information. Learn all you can about alcoholism and al anon. Pretty soon you will begin to see the chaos for what it is and see the miracle of al anon.
Thanks so much - I think I know I'm doing the right thing - but it's just so darn hard to believe I am - I can't believe how hard it is and how confused I feel.
I know for me it was hard because I was so sure that the guy that I fell in love with was in there (his body) I believed if I tried and tried it would change him and he would see that I loved him so much. I even put kids into the relationship and nothing worked. I believed if he sobered up that he would change, well that didn't work either because he just became what's called a dry drunk, that was even worse. The violence only escalated because he feels out of control, if it's not you it will be someone else. I'm glad your safe. Your doing the right thing. It's really tough to accept the person that you thought you were going to have a future with is not there. I was more in love with what "I thought" I was going to have, then what I actually have. :( Keep taking care of yourself. It's hard to "detach" but you will in time. Good luck and I'm glad you found us. Keep coming back.
Thanks - for the on-line meeting 9 p.m. EST - can I get into that tonite? How do I do that? Everyone here is amazing and thanks so much to everyone - this is the best thing I've done in 5 years.
Come Tuesday nite, tuneboom, please go to that AlAnon meeting. It can do you a world of good whether or not you stay with this man.
Actually each situation is different, and fact is, we have NOT all been, or remain in, the situation you describe!!! Nevertheless we can all learn from the experiences from others, so I hope you will continue coming here to MIP.
The day he choked me OR hit my dog, he would be history. Physical abuse is not a thing I would put up with for a minute. Please understand I am not telling you what to do; I am telling you what I would do. But physical abuse can only get worse if you stick around and put up with it. As far as I am concerned, anyone who would hit my dog is not worth spending my time with, to say nothing of choking ME!!!!! But, the decision is yours tuneboom. I truly wish you well, and your innocent doggie too.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:50, 2007-03-12
-- Edited by Diva at 11:55, 2007-03-12
-- Edited by Diva at 11:54, 2007-03-12
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow - you info sounds so like me - I thought I was the only one crazy enough to love someone like this and stay there day after day. Thanks for being able to share with me.
tuneboon wrote: Wow - you info sounds so like me - I thought I was the only one crazy enough to love someone like this and stay there day after day.
One of the major "side effects" of alcoholism is that terrible isolation . . . you are definitely NOT the only one crazy enough to stay! As you work the program, you learn to separate "his" crazy from your own, and learn to deal with the only thing you can control at all in this chaos: YOU.
And amazingly, changing you will diminish how the A affects you. You'll find freedom from the constant mental obsession. It's possible to feel peace and be productive even though someone you love is destroying their own life. You are already doing these things by separating yourself from him. Whether it is permanent or not, it doesn't matter. It's obvious he is dangerous to you physically, and that is no small thing. Let this sit with you and sink in.
i gasped when i read your post, and, now i feel very sad for you and your little dog.
it is hard for me to imagine anyone hitting something smaller than them.
i left an abusive reltionship years ago. so long ago that sometimes it feels like a distant dream.[nightmare]
my brother is here visiting. he is staying at my daughters house right now. i know that his behavior is just temporary. [he is my father's son] he can only be nice for so long. we live thousands of miles apart. i want him to leave. he is talking about moving here permanantly. he is a reminder of all i have worked so hard to get away from. i am afraid......., for myself, my daughter, my grandaughter and the friend he is interested in starting a relationship with. his presence has even affected the relationship in my own home with my husband. i tried to tell my daughter about his aggression and violence. she doesn't want to believe me.
Thanks to all you wonderful, amazing people I think I might actually sleep a little tonite - first time in 3 nites - I also had 2 pieces of toast and did not throw up today!!! Thanks can't begin to express my feelings for this place .......
Just met you in chat! Welcome! I, too, live in an insane relationship.....but do not want to leave. Good for you for getting yourself out of there. My A is my husband, we have a very long relationship, and I knew him before things got bad, so it is very hard to go. I love the man who lives under the alcoholic surface... I will tell you this, Alanon saved my life. Hope to talk to you again. Good for you for going to a meeting! Love in Recovery, Becky1
welcome, i too went thru the abuse stuff and would kick him out, then in time want to see him again, still feeling the love inside for him.
Of course you love him. He has a horrible disease. We don't stop loving someone just becuz they are sick and do stupid things.
However abuse has nothing to do with being A. Not all A's abuse.
I learned I had to go to a womens group for abused women and keep going on with alanon.
You might consider looking for a group in your area. Try calling your mental health clinic or ask your doctor.
I also learned and believe it is true, if he abuses you, he will kill you. there are no boundaries for him as far as you go. When my A was going after a dog he was watching for a friend, I grabbed his sweatshirt hood and pulled him off of the dog before he got it, he flipped me somehow and now I have a permanently disabled shoulder.
NO I am not around my a at all anymore.
We are addicted to them like they are to using. We have to get sick enough of it to not allow it to happen anymore.
Did you call the police and report what happened? It does him no good for you to protect him. He needs to answer for his behavior.
I swore if my a ever did it again I would call. but I have stayed away from him. My son took care of him in his own way. I did not like it, but my son is an adult.
The message worked as A has stayed away. I did see the a not long ago and he was rude to me in a store. My son told me he was lucky he was not there. He said he would have pulled him outside....
anyway if you can, take one day at a time, do what you can slowly. We do thru withdrawals too. You made a great important step getting your own place. I want to say please protect yourself. do not be alone with him. It is setting yourself up. I protected myself one time. But this last time a year or more ago, he got me out of no where.
Please keep coming. take care of your precious dog and do not allow him around it. please.
If it were my dog, even though my A has a disease, I would not be able to stop myself from hurting him badly to stop him. Makes my hair stand on end.
