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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained.
I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up.
I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a private part so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you ladies use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Our new home has no "fuzzy" rugs anywhere near the toilet.
I have compromised & given up on the mission of winning the "toilet seat" arguement. Now that I have two grandsons & my husband - I have just decided it is easier on my sanity to wipe the seat with a tissue before I sit down to be safe.
It's kinda like changing the roll of toilet paper - anytime it gets close to being empty - I go ahead and change it, because I know it's not going to be changed by anyone else in my household.
Ah - Acceptance -
It's ok - my vehicle isn't near as clean as my husband wishes it would be - so we both win!! lol
Women want the bathroom spotless, but our vehicles - who has time to vacuum the car & shine the rims?? To the men - this makes no sense - my husband will spend 4 hours cleaning the vehicle. Me, I forget to run it through the drive-thru car wash. And what's up with pine scented air freshener?? who wants a vehicle to smell like a pine tree????
So, he cleans the vehicles & I do the bathrooms. No fuzzy rugs & no pine tree air fresheners. These are the things we would have huge fights about prior to recovery - how crazy were we??????????
Acceptance - a beautiful thing.
Thanks for the funny post & a great reminder of how far my Husband & I have come in our compromising skills.
Have a great day, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
