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Hi all, I wrote telling about seeing AH in the store with the not lady he is being kept by.
The next day I had to move stuff to do a burn day at my main house I am renting out. I sobbed off and on all day.
Well I know I should not be moving three huge sofas and four recliners, huge bags of stuff and more. But in my head, I am thinking, Where is he? How did it come to this?
Also was battling bronchitis and pnemonia. fun. Anyway I woke feeling like I was ran over by a truck and the IBS was at a horrible pitch as was another wonderful problem. Felt like I was poisoned.
Last time I saw him my body did the same thing. The adrenline that comes with the stress does poison us. We cannot control that.
We can think positive, detach and walk away. We can say our stuff and pray the prayer, but when we deal with Aism in our life, we will be hurt by it. I don't care how seasoned you are in Alanon, or that you use every skill in the book, Aism is a horrible disease that is not cureable for us either.
Alanon is the best thing we have, and we will heal from the pain aism causes us. But initially, sometimes it will get us, and hurt us.
I don't know how anyone can live with a mean A or go thru the upheaval year after year. I would not have any guts left.
I had not seen my A for over six months or talked or anything, and in 3 min. I felt beat up in every way.
In my case I know a lot of it is becuz there is no one to go to for a hug or reasurance.
Also before this, I had a little tiny tiny light, ever so tiny, that he was there somewhere. Not expecting anything. Just a tiny tiny connection. Now that is gone too, my beautiful ring is off. I feel NO connection at all. none.
all that is left is the poison... ick.
I guess I wanted to say this becuz I want to make sure people that come to Alanon, and find themselves still feeling bad, still reacting etc. that no one is ever safe from this disease, when they have a loved one sick with alcoholism, or other addictions.
If hp did not hang onto me tight, I would give up. much love,debilyn
My heart aches for you--I see so much of myself in your post and there is so much truth in what you shared!!
Please don't beat yourself up for hanging on to that shred of hope that the real person is still in there somewhere--sometimes it is the only thing that keeps us going through the pain. It was the only thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other some days. Only you can decide when the benefit of holding on is outweighed by the pain it causes you and it sounds like you are there.
You are wrong about one thing--you are NOT alone!! You do have someone to hug you (albeit through the internet) and reassure you--your HP and all of your brothers and sisters in Al-Anon. What is the language from the meeting closing: we understand as few others can and we love you in a very special way...
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
My A and I split up 13 months ago now. I thought I was in a good place emotionally when I met up with him some 8 months ago. On the way to meet him I was repeating the serenity prayer over and over and then some more. Still I could feel that "tiny,tiny" hope somewhere deep inside me and consciously tried to kick it outta me. But.it was there. Of course when I met up with A he was slurring and jumping around excitedly telling me not to be angry with him because he was just tooooooooo happy to see me. My heart of course just sank into my boots.
Didnt hear much from him for some months after that until a few weeks ago he phoned and sounded pretty normal,we had a nice chat and he arranged a time to call me back. YEP!! He did..on time...and drunk again. That little itsy,bitsy part of me found myself looking forward to the call and the rest of my head was screaming....no expectations....no projecting.....no what ifs?...its just a phone call,right? All the detaching in the world doesn't seem to stop my heart missing a beat.
Odd as well,that after both episodes I got sick. I suppose that toxicity just has to get itself out somehow? I think its so very hard to let go of that tiny glimmer of hope. Takes all my courage to just get my head down and keep putting one baby step in front of another. It always alarms me that when I really start to feel that I have made some excellent headway........some tiny little spark still rears its head and throws me off balance.
(((Debs))))) I agree with you. Many times after an "episode" with my AH, I have been very sick. My whole body just reacts. Yep, feels like being poisoned. But, for me, when we were separated, I went thru the sickness every day, anyway. Just my body's reaction to stress, I know. Am working hard to try to relax more, and hoping the antidepressants help. I think they are starting to kick in. I know I need the meds, because even when he and I were getting along well, I would still be so tired, so unable to move. The last couple of weeks, I have actually felt like doing things, have been cleaning house like some kind of a nut. It was getting pretty bad. You are a very strong lady. I know it tore your heart out to see him with this other "being". Am so sorry you are hurting. I don't know if I will ever reach the place where I totally give up. Am not even close to being there yet. Sometimes I think it would be easier on me if I could. But I guess all things happen in HP's time, and not ours. I am keeping you close in prayer, debilyn. HP will continue to hold you tight. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Just as the disease is always there - constantly haunting, calling an A back to drinking or using - I think it is always there for us too - Wanting to give us that nausea in the pit of our stomach, that overwhelming gloom that blacks out all hope of a better day.
I hate so much that you had to experience this difficult time. Please take care of your physical health. Your animals need you & so do we.
Will keep you in my thoughts & prayers, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
It ain't the real thing ((((((((hug)))))))))). I sure wish I lived nearby so I could help ya. Can you get to a face to face meeting hon? Is your truck fixed yet?
Praying for you, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My IBS, panick attacks, headaches, nauseous came when I knew he was coming to visit the kids. I never knew what I was going to meet at the door. It does feel like poisoning. I still get the panick attacks at some points, I'm still learning and trusting in small small small steps. But I agree with what you've all said. :)
WOW i loved all your responses. Isn't it funny how we can post something, and not realize there are so many who completely relate?
I have IBS too. Hate it. But if I eat right for me, and only at night, drink plenty of fluids I am ok. But when I get the adrenline stuff ug, it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire the ring of fire....Baaaaad.
Maria, yep got the truck fixed and it is great. The guys really did well by me. It starts right up and is so comfy. I had to skip a house payment to do it. A couple friends helped too.
Transportation to alanon has nothing to do with it. I am not physically able to be there. Makes me sad, I miss my Sunday meetings and Bible studies too. Many times the only way I can deal with the pain is keep moving, keep busy.
I absolutely cannot sit still and take it. Plus when it is bad the rest of me goes wonky.
Also there are kids at the meetings here. I mean twelve year olds and babies mashing food on the table and babies crawling under the tables.
lol I am not able to "be there" with this going on.
But now it is the disabilities I live with that keep me home.
One thing I notice is to get well again, I have to listen to my body, at first I need to sit very still and over time, every day I am better. if I push like I did this time... big mistake. NOPE should not be moving furniture after being poisoned....
lol
thanks everyone for your great responses. Makes me feel so good to not be alone, yet sad that it is just another symptom of aism we get.
Oh and I really liked the response of how aism is just there waiting to poison us like it does the A.
