The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband of 20 years has probably drank most days of those years. He has always been a functioning alcoholic. I have always been his functioning enabler. I am no longer functioning well. He has again changed, lost , changed jobs. No health care this week. Money is out. We are filing for bankruptcy. I can no longer let my kids and I deal with the status quo. I finally have a job. My oldest son now drives and I can work again. Great new job. I feel empowered by it. I just do not have any patience, understanding left for him. My emotions keep going to every extreme. I mostly feel frantic and disappointed today.
I know I have to hold on until I can support the kids & give him an ultimatum. I am embarrassed to talk to anyone I know about this.
Your post is titled "Where do I Start", you already have!
Sounds like you are trying to get things that you can control rolling. Reaching out like you are here is a huge first step. I am so glad you found us.
Al-anon sounds like the right place for you. If you can find a local meeting near you to attend in person, I would strongly encourage you to do so! Keep coming and reading the board here and we also have meetings online in the chat room associated with this web site. You can find the link in the upper left of the page. We have meetings twice a day, please join us.
Your title made me smile, my sponsor always said "start with the tail", lol. I was always trying to "eat" the whole elephant at once !! You'll not only find healing here...you'll find humor It is good to smile.
I really am glad you are here -- you aren't alone, and we do understand. Please read as much as you can about Alanon (How Alanon works for Famlies and Friends of Alcoholics is a good place to start) and post again soon.
This board is such a miracle to find. You should stick close, read many posts and post often, it will really make you feel better.
I could have written your post last year at this time. My husband also has drank most of his life, and after his relapse last year, no job, just watching him slowly decline in front of my eyes, it was too much to bear, and I, like you, was lost and afraid, enraged and losing my sanity. This board (and Alanon) will help you learn how to come back, to love yourself, and to better love him and your family. I promise this, you will feel better.
The book, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is a wonderful book to read when you are where you are. It is simply put, easy to read and I read it like a bible last year when I was needing to learn the basics of this disease and how to deal with a drinking spouse. I was at my wits end.
Please come back, the caring and support here is wonderful, and there is so much wisdom and experience you can learn from to feel better.
you are showing great courage in the steps you are taking on your path.
I want to tell you, ultimatums do not work. Your husband has a horrible disease. It would be like telling a cancer patient to get it together.
He has to take care of him, like you are taking care of you. We can do nothing for them, their disease is their own, so slide it right off your back hon.
The best thing we can do is concentrate on our own stuff, not theirs. I got to where I never mentioned his stuff. Did not want to talk about it.
The stronger we are, the easier it is on the A. He feels guilty enough. In my experience i took care of everything, money house insurance etc. He was and is very ill, gets dui's, almost dies, does not work and on and on.
If I want a stable home, as much as one can be with a spouse who is sick, then I have to do it myself, and do not blame him. He does not choose to be A. But I will and have boundaries and there are consequenses.
Only you know what your boundaries will be.
glad you are here. love,debilyn oh and YES get Getting them sober.
Hi Lisa Welcome to this group, sorry you had to seek it out. Sounds like you are doing okay, though it probably doesn't feel that way. Reading has helped me a lot. The more I learn about the affects of living with alcoholism and other addiction, the more I am able to feel kindness and compassion towards my AH. If you look in Amazon.com, you will find hundreds of books. One that was particularly helpful to me was The Heart of Addiction. It is not specific to alcoholism, and it's not CAL, but it's a great book all the same.
