Thanks, Diva.
I probably don't have it all together YET, but I am trying a new approach, starting yesterday. Day before yesterday I read that post "The Awakening". I loved it, but when I got to the part that says ........
"You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy."
.......It made me cringe.
 And my first reaction was " Okay, this was a great post until THAT part!"
My second reaction was " You know what? Why does that part make you so uncomfortable?"
And so I read it and re-read it, outloud, until I finally could say that part and relate it to myself. And I realized that for the last 8 months, I have been trying to make this relationship into the one I fantisized it should be, and I was trying to do that with anger, and resentment, and finger pointing and name calling. I was punishing him, and in turn myself, for not being everything I want and need in my fantasy of what my life should be like.
So then I decided to write down everything I have right now that I love, and that I am very lucky to have, because for months I have been so angry and upset about things I want that I don't have right now.
And then I decided to change my attitude.......because I CAN change that.
So my goal, right now, is to start each day thinking about what I have......and to be grateful for that. I am just going day by day. I am going to try my hardest not to start thinking about what might happen, what could happen. I am going to try and focus on what is happening right now, and just enjoy what of it I can enjoy.
When I met my A 6 years ago, the first thing I noticed about him was his beautiful smile.  It is like the world all around lights up when he smiles.
I have hardly seen that smile in months. And he has hardly seen mine, I'm sure. And I miss that smile.
Yesterday morning, instead of waking him up with..."Are you going to sleep all day again?!?" I just worked all night!! Don't you think I might want some sleep at some point????".......I woke him up by sitting on the bed next to him, rubbing his back, and saying " I'm tired of being mad at you. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm really glad to see you this morning." And I kissed the back of his head, and went to make the kids breakfast.
And when he got up a little while later, he smiled at me. And I was happy.
I don't know how long this will last. I dont know if I will stay here forever. But I really, really need to stop being so miserable, and I need to learn to enjoy the things I DO have.
I'm sure I will still have plenty of bad days, and maybe I am just kidding myself that I can really do this, but for 2 days I havent had a headache, or been miserable, or cried.
I am also really glad to know that I have this place to come to.......and you will have my back! I know you will help me keep focus on my goal when I falter, and I am counting on you to speak the truths that may make me uncomfortable, but that may be just what I need to face.

Michele