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My A feels like his life is spiralling out of control. I kicked him out 9 weeks ago after a 2 week drinking binge. The day after he moved out i warned him that if he doesnt get his act together i will cancel the wedding. So for the next 3 weeks we spoke everyday, and each day he told me he doent want to quit. So i cancelled the wedding.Then he got upset that i had done it. But he still stood by the idea that he wants to continue to drink. So i waited another couple of weeks just incase he would change his mind, and when i saw that he was serious about not quitting, i went to my lawyers to start with the paper work to take my a's name off the mortgage so we can start to live totally seperate lives. At first it was just a threat, hoping he would realise i was serious... but he must have thought it was a huge game, coz he wasnt gonna quit! So im currently right in the middle of all the paper work. Anyway, 7 weeks after he moved out, he was stil on the same track so i told him i dont love him anymore. WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he got his bum into a meeting that night, didnt he??? so for the past 2 weeks my a is now going to regular meetings, but now he is holding everything against me. He tells me he cant believe i cancelled the wedding, and he feels sick that he has to give up the home loan. I wanted him to have it, but the banks wont give him a loan big enough to cover it on his own. thank god im financially stable. Now he feels extremely sorry for himself. I told him, that if he stays sober long enough for me to trust him again, then we can be together forever and the property will eventually be in his name anyway if we marry.
He is getting extremely depressed about the whole thing. im scared he might hurt himself. He is really in a bad bad frame of mind. i dont know what to do. I know if i stop the legal stuff and keep things as they were, then he might stay sober , but if he drinks again we will just have to go thru all this again, just at a later date.
Im trying to take care of me..... but it seems to be at a great expense to him.... i feel an enourmous amount of guilt. i dont know what to do anymore... sometimes i just want to dissappear
I absolutely understand. I've been where you are. You are so strong and I commend you for that. I think you did the right thing, and were very corageous and sensible. Yes he's resentful and blaming of you.
But you didn't cause any of it. You just did what you could. You didn't have much of a choice really, did you?
His feeling sorry for himself, and depression are symptoms of the disease...part of the cycle. You cannot control this cycle.He will only change when he choses to. Put your energy into looking after yourself and pray for him to find his recovery.
i know this is a horrible situation for you and so unfair, and I know how abandoned and alone you must feel. It will pass sweetheart. I will pray for both of you. Yours in recovery AM
They tell us not to give advice but to share our experience, strength, and hope. You are not alone. What is good is that you are taking a look at this now. From my experience it does not go away. The disease is always there whether they are sober or not. If he doesn't work a program of recovery and you don't work a program of recovery, you are both at risk to repeat the cycle. This has been the pattern for my AHSober and I. So my AHsober does not want to work a program. I choose to be in recovery for myself. And you are right, this is way too hard but our HP's have a plan for us.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but I am so proud of you for following through on your boundaries. One thing you need to keep in mind, he will not be truly in recovery until he is ready to do it for himself. As you are experiencing right now, when he quits for you, it is with resentment and anger. That is not recovery.
Keep up the good work, take care of yourself, and learn everything you can about alcoholism. I foolishly believed that through marriage I could give my AH everything he needed emotionally and he would no longer need to drink...boy was I wrong.
Here's my experience. My AH didn't take me serious until I went through with the threats (divorce, leaving, ect) so he would go into a program and "get sober" as soon as I came back or cancelled the divorce he would go back to drinking. He did this EVERYTIME he lost something like me or the kids. My ah would just fake wanting to quit drinking until he got what he wanted and then within a few days , weeks, even went seven months once.....he went right back to drinking. (this has been his game for eight years now) Good luck to you. I hope everything works out for you. ^i^
I must agree, you can't do things in the hope that it will change them or that they will change, you just have to look out for your own best interest because they definitely will not! Friend of yours is telling my story too and it's so hard when they appear to be doing good not to get back into that cycle but as dr. phil says the best predictor of the future is the past. Soooooo with that in mind, give it time and watch and wait and everything you need to see will unfold in front of you. Besides what's the rush anyway?
If you break your boundries that you are setting--because that is what you are doing--then that sends a message not only to the alcholic, but also to yourself. I would strongly urge you to consider what message you are sending by setting up and sticking to the boundries that you are setting. Because what I am hearing by these very strong and very significant boundries is that you have a very deep level of self love and self respect not many people have when they come in. I also hear that you have a very sincere desire to help your loved one but you will also not be his door mat, and will not tolerate his abuse. I hear a woman who is mentally healthy, spiritually fit, and thinks a great deal of herself. I would suggest very stongly that you think very hard before you break any of these boundries.
This has to be so difficult for you, but I see someone who is hanging in there and setting her boundaries and sticking with them. An empty threat is no good--you were not given a choice but to follow through, if you didn't he would continue to walk all over you. It is hard, but it will be great for him to see how strong you are. I know he is upset and depressed, but you can't change that, you can just take care of you and if he wants things to change he will find out what he needs to do.
You're not joking, this IS way too hard. Give yourself the space and time to get the clarity you want in this situation. During your separation from your loved one, I would recommend setting goals to getting to face to face meetings, attending the on-line meetings here and posting here often. There is lots of experience, strength and hope here for just what you are going through!
We didn't cause it Can't control it, and Can't cure it
Thanks to all of you. i know i am strong, and that i am doing the right thing, but when the A is crying and going insane inside his head it makes me feel like i am pushing him somewhere bad. I know i didnt cause this and i can only do what is right for me. I can stick by my boundaries... theres no turning back now. Thanks again
(quote) He is getting extremely depressed about the whole thing. im scared he might hurt himself. (quote)
I can only share with you how I handled this situation... My Ason was in rehab (not because he wanted to be there but to get out of the state to avoid arrest) and we had agreed if he went that we would clean out his apartment and put his things in storage. This was pre program.
When we got to his apartment, the dining room table was piled high with papers and laying right in the middle, face up just begging to be read was a suicide note. When we got his things moved and his computer at our house, I went on a search to see what was on the computer (I know...nosy little pre Al-Anon member) I found another suicide note on his computer that he had actually edited the morning he left for rehab.
I called rehab, talked with his counselor, read him the notes and let the chips fall where they may. Was son upset with me you betcha. However, he knew then that if he threatened suicide even casually in a conversation that I would act on it and he would not like the consequences.
Talking with my sis one day while she was terribly depressed she kept saying things like "I just don't know why I am still here, there is nothing for me on this earth anymore" She said similar things twice more. I told her that if she said it again I would hang up, call 911 and sign papers to have her held for 96 hours in the psyche ward. She say's "OH I WAS JUST KIDDING". I told her that is fine, but I still mean what I said and when the EMT's arrive you can explain to them how you were just kidding. She has never said it again.
What I am trying to relate to you is that at any time if he gives you reason to believe that he may hurt himself or others, do the next right thing and call a hotline or 911. By acting on this in the right way you are taking your power back from him. I guarantee you will feel like a big load has been lifted from your shoulders.
HUGS
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Arty, pleeeeeeeeeease don't feel guilt. You are so doing the right thing. I admire you so very, very much for your strength. Don't reverse your decisions. So many of us have either married hoping to change the A or just did not see the signs before we got married. You are lucky (kinda hate using this word) that you won't have to say "I should have........" Just keep thinking and remembering.....NOTHING will change until he knows he has a problem and is serious in helping HIMSELF...not just to please you. ....Cause' as soon as he is hitched, well, I think you know and realize that being sober won't last if he, after all that you have been through to date, chose to stay drinking until you said the final blow Also remember that things may change so much when/if he stays sober. Stay strong, you certainly are, but I know how easy it is for that to break down when you want something so bad and hope for it so bad and love SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD that it hurts! Major hugs here!!!!
You have to keep your focus on you, follow through with what you are doing. I know the worries about upsetting an A and then what they might do to themselves. You just have to try to remember that no matter what he does, you have no control over it. You can only control you. Please don't feel guilty, you are keeping your boundaries and taking care of you.
