The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a lot of fear here, and can't get a grasp on the thought I'm having that's causing it (if you know what I mean).
AH relapsed et al over the last year (second relapse with him in seven years), and I kicked him out in January. He's been living with the guy who set up the AA meetings up here since. He and his wife are amazing people, thirty some years in the program together.
My boundaries with him have been flexible but on the harsh side. He has been paranoid, very confused (literally), and my limits were to lock him out of the property when he was just unbearable. The rest of the time he came to get stuff, and behaved in that he left when I asked him to.
He did get some meds which straightened out his thought process and is more or less "himself" again. Meaning, he's in the typical pity pot and too terrified to acknowledge the consequences. He is frequently victimized by the people he made acquaintance with this last year (read: drug dealers and users) , and I mean he walks right into these situations on his own accord, gets screwed over, and then rants and raves to me about it. He's still very sick, and I have NO INTENTION of him coming home for good any time soon and if ever, frankly. He might be living with the local AA "saint" (he and his wife truly ARE saints :) ) but he's still clueless that his actions caused this whole big mess.
My problem: I invited him to come over during the day as he saw fit to do work around the farm. He must go back to "Bill's" at night, though.
Two separate nights now, he stayed over -- entirely against my will. Like tonight. He's on the couch, but anyway . . . he is "tired" and it's too late and it's his house and he'll move back in when he wants to, like right now. This is a typical interaction between us; he pushes and pushes, or just does a "make me" type deal and I can't physically throw him out of the house. It's bullying, and I see that my original boundary is being crossed.
The first time he did this he broke down, got honest and cried, which only works once. I WILL NOT engage him in battle, or start that screaming crap, but I'm not coming up with a "middle ground" so to speak. I know I am really afraid right now . . . it's a fear of being swallowed up in his chaos again, and it's strong! So I'm having a hard time getting to see another way of dealing with this.
I hope I am missing some really obvious point :D . Any ideas?
I have never been in a situation like yours, but I very much understand fear. I generally walk around in an excited state of anxiety...butterflies in my stomach...waking up at night. I do know that I sometimes think irrationally and have to talk myself down. That being said, even though I am sometimes irrational, there is obviously a reason I am living in fear. I have been trying to work on the root of my fears, and use readings, meditation and breathing techniques to tackle the physical and emotional manifestations.
With regard to your AH, if he AH isn't willing to respect your boundaries, you may need to think about a legal separation that revokes his right to live in the house. It sounds to me like he knows how to manipulate you and does it at his whim.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but you are stronger than you think.
I am really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time with your AH. It must be hard and scary when he is out of his mind or won't listen to reason.
When I first learned about boundaries, I thought a boundary was: If you yell at me, you will have to leave.
The problem with this, is that we can't MAKE ANYONE DO ANYTHING. So, in the boundary above, ultimately I will be stuck unable to enforce the boundary if the person refuses to leave.
Gradually, I learned to set boundaries like this: If you yell at me, I will leave.
Sometimes, you can enforce boundaries through outside help: If you do not leave my property the first time I ask, I will call the police and have you removed.
You might be able to set a boundary like this: If you come to the house uninvited, or stay past when I have asked you to leave, I will....[call the police]. Only you can decide if calling the police is something you are willing to do.
Alternatively, you could decide that trying to enforce this boundary is too difficult/scary right now, and instead not invite him over to the house at all until he's much further along in his recovery. If you want to see him, you could meet him in public places where you won't have to worry about getting him to leave.
BlueCloud, I think I get it . . . if I set a boundary that I can't enforce, it's not a boundary.
The only way I can enforce the boundary I've already set is to lock the front gate and the house. He will throw a temper tantrum, yell and holler, probably threaten to break a window. He is terrified I'll call the police on him (remnants of his paranoia), and I have no problem doing that. This is a tiny little community, and NO ONE is anonymous.
I see that inviting him over to work during the day was a mistake, and I could have predicted it. I had hope, and took a risk. It didn't work out.
I have to admit to myself I am hoping my actions will "get through to him". They won't.
I have to admit to myself I am afraid to run this farm by myself, and that is motivating me to relax my boundaries. Since I've already set them, I will enforce them today. He's off for the day. I'll leave him a note on the gate.
I can totally relate to your post. I was told by my A b/f that if I ever called the police on him, he would leave the relationship for good. Well, if only you could trust an alcoholic! I have called the police on him and he is still around. I completely agree with blue cloud. I too needed to hear it! Set boundaries you can enforce. It isn't easy, I know. I understand your fear, as I have my own, too.
I can so so relate to your post. The A I live with is in the process of separating. He is moving to stay with relatives miles away. He would like me to go with him. I am probably not.
In the meantime there are lots of issues that need attending to. It is not so simple of as I can do it on my own. I can't. I certainly do as much as I can on my own. I also understand he is at a bottom. I can't lift him up from that bottom. The bottom has been a long time coming, physical illness, debt, substance abuse, work issues. He has them all.
I'm glad your A has resources. Sometimes I think the few resources the A has, his brother, a friend whoever will pull him out of whatever stuff he has going on. Sometimes they do help. The issue for me is that the A was years making his mess. It will probably be a few years getting out of it.
The other issue for me of course in setting myself up. I have far far far better boundaries with the A than I ever had. The other day when he was shouting at me I simply took myself into the bathroom and moved out of his way. What a simple thing to do. I stopped doing it. I have a friend who coaches me a lot and really helps. Nevertheless the friend isn't available 24/7. This morng the A woke me up with some demand. I was put out.
If I had not been here and read your post I would have carried that with me all day.
For some of us the options are not stay/leave/black white move/get rid of stuff. For me they are complicated, who will take the pets, where will my stuff go. How will I set emotional distance. What are my options. When can I exercise those options? How? What do I need to do to get to those options.
I certainly have fears. Every day I think how will I? What can I? What is the next step? I keep doing the next step and then another next step. I keep my eye on various goals.
I certainly can't say that I am free of many of the issues you speak of, the fear, the resentment (although I manage them much much better). I'm not physically separated from the A and even when and if I am the emotional separation is another matter.
I dont' expect any of this to come over night. I do know the tools help, coming here and posting helps. It really helps to have people who have been in the program awhile to tall me that it gets better and to not "judge" me.
I just listened to the answering machine and as normal it is the A's creditors calling and calling. In the next few weeks that will be gone but the A's debt will still be there.
For me personally it is very very very healthy for me to be saying I do not want to take on this stuff (not because I don't care - I do care). For me personally it is a sign of health to say I don't need/want/or care to sort out this chaos. For me its a stepping stone out. For me it is phenomenal that I don't have it all mapped out for the A how to file bankruptcy, what to do, the forms lined up, the process mapped out. I don't have it. I may think that is an "option" for him but I choose not to be in there doing it for him. I've been there, done that and I know I personally ended up totaly depleted, exhausted and "blamed". So I do not go there anymore. So for me personally having an aversion to chaos is a step up not something to worry about. For me its a boundary that I see as being a good thing.
All day long, I've been trying not to listen to the running commentary in my head. I refuse to "plan" ahead for what he might do next. Or even plan ahead on what I'm going to do. I took a couple of little walks with the dogs, let my part time house goose in to watch TV with me.
Some of your responses got me to thinking about how I don't listen to and respect myself. This fear I'm talking about is justified.
I did "turn this over" this morning, which means for me to get on with my day, do what I normally do, and every six seconds or so (ha ha :D ) remind myself I can't do anything about what he does or thinks or says, but I can hold Miss Lila the goose on my lap and let her "groom" my eyebrows and wrap her neck around mine in a goose hug.
I have Netflix, and have been ordering lots of comedies. The stupider and goofier the better. This is how I laugh every day.
Sheesh, somehow I'm feeling better. I think I feel all those hugs. I'm so glad you are all there!
