The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A program of honesty...and it starts with me. What part I play and so on and so forth. I think it is great to get a little venting out and be the victum for about a minute......when I get down right honest with myself.....I am a volunteer more often than not.
I had a list of of 6 people to forgive, that wrong me and I had no part it. I had a list of 150 or more of people I wronged along the way. Looking back now, what did their part matter? I played it too. That also told me, what right so I have to judge anyone?
Ofcourse it is hard dealing with alcoholics in our life. The program teaches us how to survive. How to live happy, joyus, and free of anguish. The program teaches me that I make a choice to consume my thoughts and my mind with another person or I can leave it and allow not only the alcoholic the dignity to find their own path, but allow myself the dignity, courage, and strength to recover and find my own path.
Thank you Phil. This has been something that has been on my mind when I come to the board lately. Like the saying goes....this too shall pass.
Thanks for the reminder that this is about recovery. I guess when one has been hurt over and over and over by someone else's behavior, the hurt turns into anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. Basic primal emotional response, justifiably so. Still, I will take your comment and try to turn my focus back to recovery.
Great post--what's the saying, "nothing changes if nothing changes"??
When I first came to Al-Anon, I found a meeting where I felt welcomed and understood and where I could cry and "piss and moan" and get it all out. After about 6 months, I realized that I wan't getting any better--if anything, I was getting worse. I was wallowing in self-pity and spent the meeting complaining about the A and obsessing about his behavior and how he continued to hurt me. I was not working on my own recovery. No one in the group had a sponsor, was actively working the steps or doing any service work. Bottom line--the group was unhealthy for me--there was no recovery there.
So, I had to make a decision. Did I want to get better?? Was I willing to do the work?? It was hard for me to do, but I had to find another group where I would be surrounded by like-minded people who were on the road to recovery. Thankfully, my Higher Power led me to my home group where I found my sponsor and alot of support on my journey.
The difference between a meeting that is full of recovery vs. one that is stuck in the disease is incredible. An unhealthy meeting is stagnant, it does not grow and thrive and it eventually falls apart. A healthy meeting grows and flourishes because newcomers see something in the members that they want--the peace and serenity that come with true recovery.
I listened to a talk by Mary Pearl T. (if you have a chance to do so, I highly recommend her talks on the Traditions in Healthy Relationships) that also really motivated me to make this change. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) just because you go to Al-anon meetings doesn't make you an Al-anon. You can sit in a room with chairs for a year, but that doesn't make you a chair. An Al-anon is someone who works the Steps, tries to apply them to daily life, has a sponsor and does service work. In other words, actively works the program. Once I chose to be an Al-anon, things started to change in my life for the better. Now I understand why folks introduce themselves sometimes as "a grateful member of Al-Anon"--I am very grateful.
Thank you for letting me share my E, S and Hope and as always, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thanks for your post and you are quite right in what you say. I always get so much from your posts. Just one thing struck me that I feel I have to comment on....the bitching. I agree with what bonnie said so well. When I first found Alanon (well, my first real attempt at doing the programme), I was hurt and bitter and all the other negative stuff. This was what was at the surface and I had to release it whatever way I knew. I shared, vented...maybe bitched some would say. But the important thing is that I released this negativity. I also journalled a lot (This would make interesting reading I'm sure!)In doing this I cleared my vision for myself. Basically I did what I had to do, for me. Now I am not living with an activeA, so much of this negativity has abated. And yes, you're right I believe I became as sick as if not sicker than him. I still get angry, hurt and negative at times ofcourse. I'm in the early stages of recovery still. But my vision is clearer and and maybe these negative feelings are more managable for me now. I believe they are healthy reactions.
I'm glad people in Alanon were patient with my frustrations and venting. They listened and I felt understood. I am forever grateful for this. Without this I wouldn't have progressed to where I am today, I believe.
I know for my ex, the shame and disbelief at himself for hurting me, and the guilt is too much for him to bear at times. He doesn't like to talk about it much. I understand this and respect his position. I hope though he can one day be able to talk, vent, bitch whatever....as long as he gets it out of his sysem. Clear the way for his recovery, and peace for himself.
I have forgiven. He just hasn't forgiven himself yet!......Just my thoughts Phil........ Yours in recovery AM
Phil I have read your posts on the AA board. I ADMIRE you for what you write... I also admire your honesty.. Its good to hear things from the Alcoholics side... It can change our attitudes to a great deal of negative thoughts about horrible events in our lives, past and present....
I would just like to say one thing...And I mean NO disrespect to you or any recovering Alcoholics.....
We hate, we detest, we bitch, we wish our A's would die at some point in our lives..(im sure we all have done).
When an A has a black out, they have no recollection of what they have done.. The sober family members ALWAYS remember what the A had said or done. We are not fortunate enough to be able to forget things.... As a result of this... we live with horrible memories all our lives....
So I agree we can become sicker than the A..
In my life I can honestly say YES.. I still have the pictures in my mind, I still remember everything that happened in my childhood.... But with Al-Anon i am learning to forgive... NOT forget... But I am accepting this happened to me... Had it not... I would never have found my great family in this fellowship...
Keep up the great work phil......You are worth it....
As always, you come through with just the right words.
When I came to Al-anon I was just like so many others ..... I had reached my bottom. For the first few meetings I was allowed to vent ...and I was told to write ... write... write... everything down. After I vented, I always felt terrible, but one of our ladies said to me, "You needed to get it out." I'm grateful for the love and patience they showed me when I first came in. I was not very lovable ... probably still not some days. lol They would NOT have let me continue if that was all I did. They would have lovingly called me aside and explained things to me. I'm glad. I realize this was my f2f meetings ... here on this board, sometimes this IS their only writings.
Of course we are as sick as our A's! Maybe sicker!
One things applies to all of us...,.A's or Al-anoner's.... we can sit in our pity pots and complain ..... or we can work the steps ..apply them and the traditions to our lives in every way and begin to recover. When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired ... we will do something! Honestly, some days I do well working my program .... and some not so well. I'm also human. But .... it never takes me long to figure out what's wrong when I'm not working it! lol
Mary Pearl is a fantastic speaker!! She has the ability to make you think a lot...while also making you laugh. Just because we stay in the garage... doesn't make us a car. lol
I thought about you the other day, really miss your "thought for the day" posts
I led our f2f meeting yesterday, the topic, self honesty. Before anyone is able to go thru the three A's (awareness, acceptance, and action) you have to have some degree of self honesty. This really ties into the first step in accepting that our lives have become unmanagable. It is so much easier to shift the blame -- excuse our actions etc. Accepting that we contribute to our own problems is a process. It really does start with awareness. How often in the beginning I said, "I really didn't know I was doing that." Today, darn it, I no longer have that excuse LOL !!
This board is a great place, you'll see that even I have used this place to blow off steam, there is one post that two hours later I posted again w/ the title "So a blew a gasket earlier" LOL. I'm just glad that I had this place to lose it on, instead of my A --- there is nothing like making amends to an active A ! Talk about humbling ugh! But we do it for ourselve, not them.
Anyhow, to wrap it up here. I appreciate what you have to say -- I agree in many ways. We do have to work it for it to work for us. It's my opinion that this is where a sponsor comes in mighty handy. A sponsor won't allow you to stay in that place that is so unhealthy that the focus is all on the A, what they've done to us or how they are behaving. To reap the benefits of this program we really need to use all the tools of this program, work the steps and get a sponsor. Taking the "cafateria" approach or using the "take what you like and leave the rest" slogan to the nth degree only hurts our program. The thing that I'm mindful of is, when I see someone who has the peace/serenity that I desire, I look at what they've done to achieve it. I've yet to find one that doesn't have a sponsor or hasn't worked the steps. Not all will agree with me, and that is okay, but if this program isn't working for you, the best thing to do is look at how you are working the program.
I'm continually reminded that "ours is a disease of distorted perceptions" and this often times makes us much sicker than the A.
Thanks for bringing this topic up. ((((((lots of hugs to you))))
Melodie Beattie (author of Codependent No More and many other books) is also a recovering alcoholic. She writes about how she couldn't stand codependents when she first came into recovery. She came to realize why we behave the way we do and that anyone living with active alcoholics would behave this way. She found compassion. I hear what you are saying. For myself, I am at the beginning of a recovery process, so I am so glad that I still receive all of the MIP families love and support when I may appear to some to be b*tching.
Hi Phil. After giving your post a great deal of thought, I agree with you in principle. On the other hand, the human condition being what it is, some of us have to have an outlet for our anger, resentment, frustration, and grief. And I don't see anything wrong sharing that aspect with the members here. This is the only place where I can come and occasionally say I'd like to strangle him. And I think everyone understands that urge!! LOL!! Thanks for posting. We can all use a reminder that these programs work.
Wish best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I've put a few posts up in the middle of some argument or confrontation with the A. Sometimes I feel like I can't get that load off anywhere else. I carry it around untill it eats me alive. Usually I will get more than a few responses that redirect my problem with alanon related wisdom. I can't express how much this has helped me come to my senses, and also to know that there are people out there dealing with just what I'm dealing with. I understand something though, and that is that dwelling on a person only contributes to obsessing over his/her behavior, which has been my problem for years. Where to draw the line? Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
