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For the most part my A and I have been getting along since separating 6 mos. ago. Him even staying here for a while during the last 6 weeks. It's been all good. But a week ago he got real pissed at me to my reaction over something trivial ( I back offed off taking money from him because he was so upset that I asked if he had any for me (he got a few jobs lately). So he went back to his place. I called him later because I felt we needed to see where the other was coming from and I did apologize for not letting him know in a friendly way why I didn't take the money ( I didn't yell). But I thought t was good for us to be able to learn how to resolve a problem in a decent way before the sun goes down. He, however runs as soon as there's friction, however small. My feeling, as I explained to him, after he came over Sunday to talk (I asked him to come), is that communicating is one of issues. He, who runs, thinks so too but he seems to think there'll be some magic day when we have it down. I happen to think that people will run into "bumps" through life and, with practce, learn along the way. Bumps aren't eliminated. You just learn to deal with them and I do believe it may not always be the "right" way. Just less and less pissing off. Now he's back to being his nice self (not staying here, though). I feel like nothing been accomplised ans so does he. It feels like a merry-go-round and so does he. I guess neither of us knows how to get off. If I ignore him , it's like I don't get a chance to explain myself or correct not saying what I mean and he thinks it's the silent treatment. I am working on that but not communicating effectively could always happen now and then. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't know how to approach this. I may think seriously about divorcing him and if I were to get involved with someone else, I may do the same thing without realizing how I am saying things all the time! What to do?...jaja
You shouldn't have to manage every word that comes out of your mouth, especially with someone you are in a relationship with. Walking on pins and needles is no way to live. He's having impulsive, selfish behavior typical of an A that has not done a 4th and 5th step to make them see how their actions truly effect others.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
jrtjosey wrote: You shouldn't have to manage every word that comes out of your mouth, especially with someone you are in a relationship with. Walking on pins and needles is no way to live. He's having impulsive, selfish behavior typical of an A that has not done a 4th and 5th step to make them see how their actions truly effect others.
One thing that helped me is the realization that it is not my responsibility to ensure that my A b/f "get it". I can say my piece and then let it go. Stop justifying my actions and giving explanations for everything. Otherwise it is just too exhausting, especially when after I go through it all, I STILL don't think he gets it. It is actually quite freeing to let go of that "responsibility", although I admit, I have to keep reminding myself about it when I start obsessing about what was said and what it meant and on and on. I believe this to be true for any relationship, including one with an alcoholic!
In a way I think it is a double edged sword or a no win situation. With my AHsober he will says just spit it out. I do and then he will literally analyze every word I say and calling me on the cuff because it isn't precise enough or he will say I take the english language literally and you didn't say that. It is kinda like he wants to control everything and has to have things worded just right so there are no tricks or surprises for him.
And his reaction is unpredictable so you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. So just do it!
