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level.
I am so tired of my ah thinking I am a complete moron. Today I figured out where his hiding place is. I hate myself for caring, or looking for it even. Well I saw him go outside today with his coat, thinking he was going to feed the dog or something, and he comes in with a bulk in his pocket which he was holding from the outside. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and he kept looking at me, all the while holding the bulge in his pocket. I turned to look at him as he went upstairs with it and he looked to see if I saw him or not. He was all secretive about it. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A MORON!!!!!!!!!! I know what you're doing upstairs night after night after night. I'm tired of our bedroom smelling like beer every night when i come to bed. I don't know if he's feeling guilty or what, which is why he's trying to hide it. He keeps saying he's going to quit but he needs me help. I told him he needs to get into a program, which he is totally unwilling to do. I said last night to him, at least get a sponsor, someone who can call you or email you or go out for coffee, someone who understands where he's coming from. Because I don't understand. I think he's being selfish and just chooses alcohol over me. But then I know that's not true, but I have to remind myself over and over and over and over......:) Alright, I'm done venting. Thanks family! Love ya!
HI, sometimes I wonder if they want to "get caught". I have stopped trying to "catch" my A, only my A doesn't know that. He is still drinking and it's very obvious, only I recently realized he thinks I don't know. He will walk around with a bulge in his bathrobe (I want to put a joke here but I'm too much of a lady), slip his drink behind the curtain, sit in the car and drink, and hide unopened bottles in really lame places; like under the bathroom towels. There was one time when I wanted to say "You know, I'm not blind" but it wouldn't have gone anywhere. I'd rather he thought I didn't know, it makes him less sneaky-does that make sense? Now I just try not to giggle when I "catch" him. Cheers! Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Here's what I did.......I put all his stuff in a box and set it outside, changed the locks and gave him $10.00 and told him to get it right and kill himself quick this time. If your going to do it, do it right. It makes no sense to drag the suicide out. Once I quit looking and caring he started thinking....."well damn, she could care less if I died" and he changed his attitude. I seriously started living as if he were dead and he was well aware of what I was doing. He hated it. He hated I did things without telling him, I was taking care of myself and our kids and was actually getting better and looking better and he was left all alone. He ended up sleeping in his truck in a church field that they allowed him to stay in. He was bit up with ants, he smelled rotted, it was disgusting. It wasn't until I let him stay out there two weeks to let him get a taste of what his life was about to become that he found a program.He appreciated a hot dinner, a warm bed, a caring wife, a roof. He stayed sober seven months. He relapsed once after that and is back to not drinking again. I'm sure he has flash backs. lol Sorry but I don't feel bad about it. It taught him a lesson.
An A will choose their addiction over you every time. NO question. Even when they are in recovery that is number one.
Your A is very sick. It does no good to try to figure out why the disease makes them do what they do.
Do you wonder what makes cancer do what it does? Would not matter, still have cancer, still an addict.
My A is very ashamed of being an addict. He has bottles stashed everywhere. They work a lot thru denial. They WANT to think no one knows or notices. Even though we do, they cannot face we do.
They are tortured and sad people when they are actively using. It does not matter what they do. The only thing that helps them is for us to look at our own lives and make sure we are ok. They feel even more guilty if we are tore up from their disease.
We learn to make boundaries and enforce the. ex: I would say, I don't want to hear anyone talk about their drugs or how sick they are. If they do I will leave the room or leave the house.
I got so tired of listening to complaining and negative bs.
If the bedroom smells like beer every night, why do you need to know where it is?
The focus needs to be on you and your recovery. You come first.
I was married to a sneaking, denying drunk, who was given many opportunties to stop binging every night in front of my children and just plain being an angry person that refused to accept thst he had a problem. And made promises upon promises before I had to leave for my own health and my children's well being.
It has to be his choice, I know he loved me and he still does, that was never a question, but he made his choice to live with alcohol and lose yet another family to beer. There was no forcing him to do anything.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I have heard many AA speakers talk about the "hiding" phase - that hiding the drinking, bottles, cans, pills, etc is more about hiding it from theirselves than hiding it from their loved ones. If that makes any sense (ok - nothing about this disease makes any sense )
I have heard them say denial is where they wanted to be and keeping it from the spouse was just like not admitting they were drinking or using at all. Like it wasn't even real. Insanity. To you & I - this kind of thinking is crazy, but to them it's like "If she doesn't see me drinking, then I don't really have a problem" This is just some of the things I have heard A's in recovery talk about in their stories.
But enough about him, let's focus on you. I hate so much that you are going thru this - it is so disheartening to feel those emotions. Can you sleep somewhere else so you don't have to smell the beer? Can you possibly set a boundary with him asking him to drink in another room? Of course, he may deny the drinking, but if you can talk to him when he is sober & in a semi-reasonable state of mind - it might help set some guidelines for your home.
And of course, when you see this crazy, insane behavior - please remind yourself - "It's not about me" & please try to continue to do the self-care.
((Minnie)), no easy solutions to living with active drinking, just trying to open the door for you to see you do have options & choices. Seek the power to use these options from the God of your understanding.
Progress not Perfection, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
((((Minnnie)))) I understand where your coming from....not an easy road. keep working the program. it does get better. your in my thoughts and prayers for strength. Keep coming here and attending meetings as you can. Its time to Take Care of You! Alanon has the tools and support to find ways to focus on your own recovery. I try not to project,. one of my weakest behaviours. I tell myself to "stay with/in the moment" and be in "Today." Now. .... this time of chaos will get better as you place those things you (the 3 c's) can not control, did not cause and can not cure into HP(Higher Power) / Gods loving hands and begin to fill your mindset with positive notions. Positive thoughts. It helped to pick out some favorite Slogans...., like How important is it? Let Go and Let God. Keep it Simple. Turn it Over. Just for Today. This Too Shall Pass. I also look forward to reading One DAy at A Time...and Courage to Change daily devotionals. Many books in Alanon that are helpful and full of hope. these always lifts my spirit. Keep Looking uP!
Keep Workin IT Your WORTH IT!! (((((((BiGHuG))))))
)
chaos will get better as you place those things you (the 3 c's) can not control, did not cause and can not cure into HP(Higher Power) / Gods loving hands
and begin to fill your mindset with positive notions. Positive thoughts. It helped to pick out some favorite Slogans...., like How important is it? Let Go and Let God. Keep it Simple. Turn it Over. Just for Today. This Too Shall Pass. I also look forward to reading 
One DAy at A Time...and Courage to Change daily devotionals. Many
books in Alanon that are helpful and full of hope. these always lifts my spirit. Keep Looking uP!
HuG))))))