The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Part of a reccomended ALA activity, write a couple paragraphs about the person and what you would change if you could.
I would make the A happier. My A is not a happy camper, drinking or not. Sometimes the tension just ripples off of him and on to everyone else around. I've put in some serious effort into making him happy, and failed. There is not a whole lot that he recieves joy from. He gets very little joy out of life. I wish I could change that.
Get rid of destructive habits. When I said that not alot makes him happy, I mispoke a little. My A enjoys spending money, and we are not even close to rich. in fact, whenever we get a break or a little windfall, he is downright cheerful. The problem is he spends it too quickly to get much us out of it. He likes to drink, to the point of endangering his health. He likes free downloads to the point of disabling our computer. It seems that the things he does find joy in get used untill he does them with no joy. Why is that, and what can I do about it?
I wish I could take away his chronic pain. He has injured his back, since before I knew him, and he often blames his bad moods on lower back pain. I have tried to get him to do exercises, acupuncture, other kinds of medical options...nothing sinks in. Being in a state of physical pain has shaped his life and I wish I could just take it away.
Have him look forward to the future. Everything to him just like a flat field and anything we do will only get us to the same spot. No aspirations, goals, plans, anything. To my A, we are just here and that is the way it is and sometimes you just can't change the way things are. Whether he's eating better, putting money aside, going to church/ meetings, or doing house improvements, I would love to see him do something, anything, to show that he considers a day after this one. I've tried and failed many times over to do this. Sometimes I feel like he is the captain of a sinking ship and me + kids are the passengers. Instead of being a good captain and making sure we get to safety, he just wants us to sink with him.
I wish that he understood that i love him and direct his behavior in accordance with my respect and affection for him.
Well, those are the major things. There are small things like...shower more often...think before you swear...fix the car...but I think the small ones could be lumped into paragraphs above. I understand now that I can't do those things anymore. I can't make him treat his pain more effectively, enjoy life, change habits...ect. It's not realistic. The best I can do is make sure me and the girls are taken care of. I don't want him to be captain of the ship. I want to sail the ship and he can be my first mate or get his own boat. Now if I can just get a driver's liscence... Jamie
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Wow I'm shocked that this is a suggested al-anon activity. Where did you read about doing something like this? I'd really be interested in knowing where this idea came from.
I really saw myself in this exercise. Reading over what you would like to change, I could see exactly how unchangeable it is, and it made me realize how much I try, try, try and fail, too, to change chronic conditions, outlooks, etc. in other people. I am realizing that a good exercise for me is before I react is to say the serenity prayer because it really helps me sort out what I can change from what I can't change. In fact, what I can change is often a complete surprise to me, because I am so focused on changing what I can't change.
I think we can all grow from looking at what it is that we "want." We can then compare it to reality and what is. I spent many years trying to make someone else happy, I remember taking my 5 month old son with me to visit the minister who married my A and I, and how I sat there nursing my babe and crying saying "I just wish I could make him happy." My son turned 9 last Monday. It's been a long road -- and the only one who has changed in this relationship is me.
When it comes to making someone happy, it can't be done. Happiness is an inside job. For you to attempt to take on the responsiblity of making someone else happy is a job set for self-destruction. We equally can't burden someone else with "I'd be happy if they'd..." like they are responisble for our happiness. We are responsible for our own happiness. Yes, we can do things that can bring happiness to others, acts of kindnesses etc., but in the long run we choose to be happy or we choose not to. Gratitude plays a big part in how we choose.
Sometimes you have to get out of the boat, and watch it from the shore because you can't control/steer their boat and you really don't want to go down with it.
Here is an exercise for you if you are interested, take all the above in bold and apply them to yourself and see what that gets you. Just a change of perspective:
make myself happier -- Get rid of my destructive habits -- take away my pain -- look forward to my future.
You see those are all things you can control...and they are part of this program.
When I first read your post I was reminded of a song by Nancy Griffith called If Wishes were Changes...
I wish that you loved me the way that I love you I wish I had Angels who sang in my dreams If wishes were changes we'd all live in roses and there wouldn't be children who cried in their sleep If wishes were changes.....There'd be no good byes So long to blue days of wishing.
Lunamoth wrote: make myself happier -- Get rid of my destructive habits -- take away my pain -- look forward to my future.
You see those are all things you can control...and they are part of this program.
Wow, what an eye opener...thanks. Alot of what I wrote above was based on the assumption that I did the things he didn't. But, even if I do, there's no saying I can't do them better
Also, someone asked where the activity came from, it is listed in part 1 of codependent no more. I came to the conclusion it was alanon related myself, maybe I was wrong. Sorry. Night! Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 19:19, 2007-03-06
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
