The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew resentful tonight over a small incident, and it has lead to the beginning of some fruitful growth on my part that I would like to share.
Earlier this evening, I called a friend who was unable to talk and asked to call me back later this evening because it wasn't a good time for her to talk. I busied myself with some other things I had to do. However, as the evening wore on, and it started to get late, and I hadn't heard back, I realized I was growing resentful. As I thought about it, I realized I was resentful because I was waiting and sorta putting stuff on hold while waiting.
As I thought over my part in it, I realized something. I often wait: I wait for people to show up who are late, I wait for people to call, I wait to be asked, I wait for people to change, I wait for people to realize how I feel. And, while I wait, I just sit there: waiting, seething, and growing resentful. I realized that I wait and I suffer in silence.
In fact, I am all too willing to just suffer, suffer, suffer in silence without saying something because I might hurt someone's feelings, I might show anger, I might not be perfectly polite, I might cause a conflict. And, I would much rather suffer than bring something up.
The problem with my willingness to suffer though is that as I suffer, I grow angry, and resentful and then when I have suffered and the person isn't equally willing to return the favor by suffering on my behalf, I get passive aggressive. That's no good. In fact, that's insanity right there. LOL.
Tonight, the incident was, in the scheme of things, minor. However, this waiting is reflective of other types of waiting I have done where the hours turned into days, the days in months, the months into years, and I have waited for my partner to change, my dad to stop drinking, etc. And, yet made little effort to change my own life, or to set boundaries. I have sat and suffered.
For me, this habit goes back to growing up in an A home. We often let the alcholism take us hostage by waiting for my dad to show up, stop drinking, etc. In the meantime (many years), meaningful activity in our home stopped because we were waiting for the A to get better.
I realized tonight that when I am suffering in silence, it is an excellent WARNING BELL that I need to ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT IS GOING ON FOR ME, FIGURE OUT WHERE MY BOUNDARIES ARE and if IT SEEMS NECESSARY AND IMPORTANT, SAY SOMETHING, SPEAK UP, and SHARE MY FEELINGS. Also, if, for example a relationship, is chronically bad for me, I always have the option of leaving permenantly--something I didn't realize was an option until recently. I have CHOICES!
For me, the first step in this boundary business, is realizing that I need to set the boundary for ME. Just like tonight, the first person to violate my own boundary is ME. I decided to wait, and wait, and wait, and not get on with things. Boundaries I can set, for example: I will not wait indefinitely for a phone call to be returned. Instead, I will get busy with my life knowing that if the call comes and I am unavailable, I have voicemail. LOL. Alternatively, when someone can't talk, I can ask for a specific time to follow-up, etc.
In other areas of my life, I can stop suffering in silence and start setting goals to get me up and moving, so I am not waiting until others, particularly the A, get better before I start getting my life together! I have CHOICES!!!
I will close with my favorite Al-Anon quote: "I can not think my way into right acting, I have to act my way into right thinking". And setting boundaries, especially for myself, is an excellent way to take action.
I too become resentful when I get put off when I reach out for help. it down right pisses me off. I am very impatient as it is and when you are hurting it just amplies all your emotions.
This is something I still suffer with and have not found a way to deal with it, it is selfish i know.
Thanks for the great topic, I 'm just doing a little mini 4th and 5 th step here.
Awesome Al-Anon quote by the way.
Josey
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I completely relate to your post. I have a real problem with this too. I have one girlfriend in particular who chronically runs late and postpones. Our daughters are close in age and ask for each other often. I don't like telling my daughter that they are on their way all morning, only to have it postponed or delayed by hours. I tried not telling my daughter until we were leaving or they arrived, but she is pretty sharp, and asks tons of questions, so doing that sometimes feels like more work than I should have to go through.
My friend always jokes about it in terms of her not going to beat herself up about it, that she can only do so much. I did take a step back over the last two months and had not contacted her. I called her this past Saturday to see if they wanted to come with me and my daughter to the steam train rides in the park. Her daughter had a fever, but asked if we could do it on Sunday. By noon on Sunday, I told me daughter that her friend was still sick and we made plans to see my mother and brother. Wouldn't you know it, but my friend called at 1 pm, telling me how busy she was, but she was going to squeeze in the train, so the girls could see each other. I told her that unfortunately we had made other plans.
It is really hard for me to set boundaries. She doesn't like setting a time, because then she says she feels pressure. I just get left feeling as if my time is of no consequence to her. She is always "joking" with me about how anul I am. Anyway, I have decided that I don't plan on waiting around for her to have time for me and my daughter. I will include her in plans and if she can make it fine, if not, I will have a good time with my daughter, which we did. BTW, I ended up taking my daughter to the trains on Saturday. One: I have no problem going twice in one weekend and Two: I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out and didn't want my daughter disappointed. It was a beautiful day and we did have a really good time:)
It definately feels bad to have friends like this, though. To always feel like you have to protect your boundaries/feelings, btu not be "anul" at the same time. I am trying to reach out to other people who are more sentitive to my feelings and those of my daughters.
Anway, thanks for the post. I hope you and I both will make progress of NOT waiting around for other people to have time for us!
(((((bluecloud)))))) great es&h.... on boundaries. i see such growth in your posting.
AND ..... *Al-Anon quote: "I can not think my way into right acting, I have to act my way into right thinking". And setting boundaries, especially for myself, is an excellent way to take action.
I really like this havent seen it before. Thanks for posting it too!
So Glad your Here. Keep coming Back ~ Keep Looking UP!
Thank you very much for this post. I am going through it right now and I am trying to take an action. And it so great to know that the more open I am to myself and the others / say what I fee l and think / the more space and the freedom I have inside me. I realized that setting boudaries is what I have always needed and wanted, but did not know it. For me it also means to respect the boudaries of others and let them be themselves, let them having and expresing their feeling, opinions...simply said- be free and free others. Thanks also for the Al-Anon guote: I can not think... "I have never heard it before. I beliave we both are on the right way and the right place- in Al-Anon. Greetings from Eva, Slovakia
growth in your posting. 
havent seen it before. Thanks for posting it too!
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**YOU ** R WORTH IT!