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I have been separated from my ex (A) for a year now. I recently met someone who seems genuinely good, and I like him. Well okay we met online so I know I have to be wary. Decided to meet up with him today and I suggested we meet at the park down by where I live, it has a big lake where you can feed the ducks, lots of people go walking. So we met up and it was all good. Then I could not believe it (although I should have known better) my ex comes walking up pushing our son on his trike. He lives nearby also so I guess I should not have been so naive to think that he would not take our son for a walk, I just didn't think he would at that time of day, and I guess it crossed my mind but I just hoped it wouldn't happen. My stomach just dropped, I felt soo awkward and uncomfortable. My ex had to stop because my little boy wanted to get of the trike and give me a hug. I didn't introduce the guy I was with because I didn't know what to say, and I guess I felt embarrassed or uncomfortable. There was a lot of uncomfortable silence. My boy even toddled over and hugged the guy's leg, I was mortified. My ex, even though we have been separated has kept telling me up until now that he still loves me and is just waiting on me to give him (another) chance. He's had soo many chances though and I have felt so broken down and dissapointed and resolved to the fact he may never change and the drinking is a deal-breaker for me. I know today would have hurt him. I can imagine how it would have felt. I honestly didn't plan to hurt him, and nothing may ever come from meeting with this guy. I know for a fact that I have been waiting on my ex to change, to commit to me, to become responsible.. I'm not trying to excuse myself, but last year my ex asked me to give him another chance and he even stayed over and slept with me and whilst doing that one night told me he was going to play pool with his guy-friend when really he was going to dinner and drinks alone with a girl he met at a work confrence (where he was away for a few nights).
I just know how much I've tried to make it work and how depressed it made me, how much crazy-making I've become a part of. So why do I feel so guilty about today then??
This guy I met seems good I think, because he is very close to his family, he has had a good job for the last 5 years, his own house, he's polite and seems genuine, he doesn't smoke.. I asked if he drinks, he said only if he goes out he might drink beer socially. I don't know how to find out more without asking flat out -do you think I should? Because it is very important to know, now. We went for lunch and out of all the beverages he could have chosen he had a cup of tea(!) He asked me the story about my ex, I'm sure he's trying to figure me out too, but I wasn't sure whether to tell him my reasons. I didn't want to seem judgemental of my ex or like I was backstabbing him. So I said I didn't want to comment out of respect for my ex. I think he deserves to know if he wants to get involved with me though..
I feel like a horrible person -I know my ex will be thinking I'm just cheap and moving on so quickly and thinking I'm a sl*t... I know I'm not any of those things and haven't done anything but had lunch with this guy.
Hi there, I read your post and a few things occurred to me . . .
It is so hard to "separate" ourselves from the A, even when we've had enough and convinced that longing-for-him part we're DONE. But this little episode just illustrates or informs you of how much you are still holding on to him.
I think ANYONE would feel uncomfortable (OK, freaked out ) after your accidental meeting. Your emotions are high right now, and in a few days they will be less agonizing and you can analyse them with equanimity. Be easy on yourself. You've done nothing wrong, you are just moving through your life after a tragedy, and all your feelings are totally understandable!
You can move on "just because"! Just because it's your choice. No right or wrong, and your ex and his opinions about you are something you've done a lot of work letting go, this is just another one. He and your son didn't come upon you guys having at it in the bushes .
I think your guilt might be habit. Beneath it might be grief and loss, see what the guilt feeling morphs into over the next few days as you calm and get perspective. Don't forget you are doing some very difficult things, taking significant risks, and our little codependent minds get all bent out of shape over stuff like this.
I agree that would have been an uncomfortable situation for anyone!!!!! Its hard to let go of what your ex thinks, yada yada.... but you have come a long way... and you have done nothing wrong, you have the RIGHT to be happy!
Besides all the weirdness with the ex/meeting... sounds like the meeting went well!!
Just a thought... I know easier said than done... but if you want this new guy to be totally honest with you, you've gotta open up to him... :) No secrets.... saves a lot of time. :)
) after your accidental meeting. Your emotions are high right now, and in a few days they will be less agonizing and you can analyse them with equanimity. Be easy on yourself. You've done nothing wrong, you are just moving through your life after a tragedy, and all your feelings are totally understandable!