The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Obsession", is a word I don't like to use. It kind of scares me.. Some people have told me I was or am obsessed with a person...NOPE, not me. He had obsessions and compulsions, after all he is the recovering Alcoholic, not me....
Do I honestly believe that... YES... I do, or I did, until I came out of the meeting this morning.
I picked the topics for todays meeting, Compulsive behaviours, Obsession & Emptiness.... Why, because thats what Im struggling with in my life right now.. As you know, I am no longer in a relationship, and I am trying to "let go" of this person... And for five weeks it has been unbearable for me.. I feel so empty inside, I feel so alone and scared.. At the meeting today I realised WHY, Im feeling these things.... I have spend so many years OBSESSING about this person. Because I loved him, wanted him to get better, to be safe, happy, to be NOT and A anymore. Just mr normal....
I have put his life before mine for so long it has become a habit. I put him first all the time, I done things for him, tried to hurry up his recovery with all sorts of books, self help, etc... I was convinced, if anyone could fix him I could.... I made myself available to him always. If I was in the middle of doing something, I would leave it, and go help him... NOW I have finally saw this compulsion in me to fix him and my dad before him....
I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, daft things like, locking doors, windows, washing hands, that kind of nervous thing.... And I was shocked beyond belief I had this illness.. (lol) But I thought it was only rituals I performed with things, not people....
So whats made me realise this new change in me.....Well, For the five weeks I have been away from this person, I have Nothing to do with my time, Im getting bored easily, I keep seeing things in a shop and saying oh I will get this for him... Oh he would like that...(lol)
Hes NOT in my immediate life, and it's like nothing has changed. Only It has changed so much for me, I guess I just never wanted to see it. I am still thinking about him all the time, and missing him so much.. I do love him, and the word obsession took that away from me... Like your obsessed, NOT in love... But I now know It's okay to love someone, and be obsessed with them, but NOT healthy, for me. and I now need to find the ways and means to love him still, as I always will. But I now need to lose the obsession, or my life will go no-where, except straight to a mental hospital...
It's funny how sometimes you feel in total control of your own wellbeing, and suddenly, you start to admit, your not in control of your life, because your too busy trying to control other peoples lives for them...
(My sister has just came in to the house, and I heard her saying to my dad, "What's the door locked for", its only 5pm (lol). I am always reminded of my obsessions, and compulsions, I just don't do anything about them, or admit them.. Maybe now is the time, to obsess about Ally, and when she is going to start HER recovery from all this....
Thanks for listening to me, I just felt so moved by the meeting today, and I needed to get this out...
Hi Ally, I really appreciated your topics in this mornings meeting. I can relate to them and to your post! I too am having to detach from someone that I entangled myself in a very dysfunctional way. I too put all my energy into "our relationship", which really equated to him. I too want to turn my habit of obsession from others and start to obsess about myself (take care of me!). Boy is it hard. Thanks for sharing your enlightenment with everyone. It has helped me today!
i can relate. i think part of my problem, when in a relationship, is that i give 100% to that person. my codependency. i obsess about their happiness, their hardships, their baggage, their goals; that all leads to 0% given to myself... also, it left 0% for my relationship with HP. like addiction, recognizing (coming out of denial) about these "defects of character" is merely a first step. now i got a lot of hard work to do on myself to remove that defect -- gonna take a large % of my energy, yet, i must leave enough to let HP in to help.
love you cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I too was 'obsessed'. (with fixing my AH for all of my marriage,which was most of my life.) I find it VERY hard to focus on myself now that he wants a divorce.I have removed the focus from him pretty much,he is so adamant about it,he hates it.But I find it very easy to focus on other men...like at work.I get 'attracted'..then I look for their car when I get there.Then I look for them...then I make something out of everything they say to me,trying to figure out if they are attracted to me.It really feels like a sickness and I want to be rid of it.
Am I just trying to keep from looking at myself,is that all it is? I know if I get in another relationship now I will be overly focused on him and obsessive.I do not want to be that way.
The other side of the coin is that I think that I would love to have a man obsessed with me.How sick is that? In my mind I know that it would be annoying to have someone overly focused on me to the point of obsession.To have him constantly trying to please me, analyze me,fix me.Yet,somehow to me that seems like love.......
I can intellectually understand how my kind of 'love' can push someone away.I think it might do the same to me...but something in me says, no, it IS love.THAT is what I need to fix.In ME.It is NOT love.......is it? I think if I can get this thing sorted out in my gut,I can move on and have a healthy relationship.Till then,I guess it'd be best for everyone if I stay alone.
Hang in there, we have alot to learn. Another 'nutjob'.....Dru
I think if I can get this thing sorted out in my gut,I can move on and have a healthy relationship.Till then,I guess it'd be best for everyone if I stay alone.