The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the A's favorite retorts is that he is going to up and leave. I never really took it seriously. Turns out in some of his little excursions that last 3 days or so like when he runs out and leaves and doesn't come back for days he has been going to see family who live like 2 hours away from here.
Well his plan has been to move there for a while now and it has only just come out. I have seen signs like he has started selling off things (like the many dud cars he has strewn in the driveway).
I had not taken his retort very seriously.
So right now I am not saying much. Of course the issue is of course that he was planning ot take my truck and up and leave with no notice. He denies that of course and his retort is always you can take the truck this minute here have it! If only I could just up and leave but I am in no position to do that yet.
Thank goodness for al anon and my dear friend who I am able to strategize with so well (he has literally saved my life since last November when I had a meltdown). I am not in panic, I am not even in resentment. I am just in awe that I never took his "threat" seriously. He had this habit of taking off for three days. Last time was when he crashed the truck.
So I am trying to be strategic. Right now he has two speeding tickets on the truck (I am fully aware that I can't sell it with all the damage he's done to it and the tickets and more). I asked him to pay them (he has too anyways or he will go to jail). If and when I'm in a postion to take the truck I'm not going to have that hanging over me too.
I also asked him to keep me informed of what he is doing. Right now his idea is that of course I go with him. Why woudn't he think that. Of course I'd be there to take care of everything just about as I do right now. I'm not about to say much as I have only a very rough idea of where he is going to be in this place (admittedly it is a small place so it wouldn't be impossible to find him). I would never have been able to do that before either as I would just have melted down into a piece of goo about the situation.
He isn't about to take off tomorrow as he has a number of jobs in the works one long term one. At the same time I'm aware I never took what he said seriously at all. I had no idea he'd come up with this "out" for himself. Of course the out includes my belongings but then he is an A and he believes everything in the world is his except of course responsibility. Apparently some of his fantasy was of running out on his bills. He's recently made an effort to pay them so I guess he's decided to stay for a while.
I've done a tremendous amount of detachment on the truck. I've even come to see my part in it of the grand gesture of helping him so he would "love" me. Naturally he didn't "love" me he just used me and would continue to "use" me till there is nothing left of me to use.
The strange thing is that I don't feel panic or that much fear which is something I've been consumed with our entire relationship. I feel confident that I 'll be able to deal with "whatever" comes my way. I know I would not be in that place of calm without being here for a year.
I think its wonderful that you have gotten to a place of peace regardless of the actions and behaviors of your A. That is great progress and something that I continue to strive for. One thing I picked up on in your post was " I can't believe I never took the "threat" seriously. I get those threats alot too and after a while they just fade into the background of the conversation. Leaving is the "wild" card he tosses in an argument just for extra shock value. I think I'm finally to the point where I'm just ignoring those threats instead of freaking and out and reacting to them. I hate how I feel when I allow myself to get worked up over his threat of leaving, I mean really its that anxiety and fear of being abandoned and rejected for me that rears its ugly head. I think you are right on, whatever happens, however it happens, and whenever it happens, you will be fine, even better than fine. So I'm just gonna keep telling myself that too.
Have a wonderful day.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The issue for me is that he blurred all the boundaries on what's mine and what's his. He tends to think it is all his!
I have allowed him to destroy my truck. I will not be able to sell it. He could in theory crash it anyday. I have had to do some major major work on detaching on that. I know why I did it, bought the truck. I know it was the grand gesture he demands daily.
He needs, he needs, he needs that is all I hear all day everyday.
The issue too is that he isn't about to up and leave and run away from all the stuff he collects daily.
He may do his normal runner for a few days. I've been there, done that and been devastated by it so many times. It is all in his manipulation to make sure he is taken care of 24/7 regardless of me.
The issue too is that he is a very very skilled manipulator, in the middle of his craziness, he can always turn on the charm and get what he needs. He always charms the landlord and gets an extension. He is confident of his ability to charm and manipulate. I was once confident of my ability to throw everything I had at the relationship. Now I know if I carry on as I have I won't be around. I'll be dead because it just drains me completely.
The other issue is that he has absolutely no intention of changing. He has been this way for 40 something years. He has managed somehow. I am not the person who can rescue him from it. He has absolutely no desire for change. All his stuff is projected onto me and I become the reason why he doesn't get what he wants. His behavior he feels is irrelative.
I'm sick to death of his demand, demand, demand and more demand. I'm also sick of feeling paralyzed too.
This board gives me immense strength I read of people who have pulled themselves out of the ashes and started over. I hope I can do that. I hope I can salvage something. I feel like my truck is gone. I may be able to salvage a vehicle out of it but it is unsellable now. There may be some point I can get it repaired. I know he has absolutley no intention of doing that.
So I would say I am beyond the hurt. I am beyond taking it personally that he is selfish, totally self absorbed and manipulative and all that matters is "his way" and his behavior to continue regardless of what it costs me, our pets, and our lifestyle. He will always always find a way to make it everyone else but him. Until the moment he accepts responsibility there will be nothing else.
Sweet Mary, lady when he is passed out, go out to the truck. Open the hood, do you know what a carburator is? take the air cleaner off that round thing lid, take it off.
do something to the carburator like take out a screw he will not notice. or take the distributor off and pull off the spark plugwires so he cannot tell.
that is that medusa looking cap. i am not kidding. Use those great ovaries you have beefed up, become the assertive one.
I don't know what makes you obsess about this truck but do nothing. This is only an option for you. not telling you what to do.
Nope he does not have to pay his fines. Are you kidding? they get away with not paying anything. Just don't work and find some ignorant woman to take care of them. They use everyone Mary. Hey when he is out clean your place up and get a room mate. Pray for a plan from hp.
i am so proud of your growth. Glad you have a friend too.
I know that I have started over from scratch once before, and I also know that if it came down to it, I could do it again! When my first marriage was in crisis, I thought of every reason to be with him again, finances, the kids, companionship, I went back again and again. Till one day I woke up and had enough! I went to a meeting, actually a convention. I realized that I WAS worth something and I did deserve more than I was getting. When I finally realized I was worth it, I told him I was leaving. I was tested, my new apartment wasn't ready when they said it would be, but I hung in there. I actually slept on the couch for a month! Then when it was ready, I moved out and moved on with MY life. I took care of me and my kids. Our relationship was SO sick. I know that now. I knew that then too, but at the time, it was comfortable. When it became too uncomfortable, I knew. Now, I live with my husband, who recently quit drinking...again. But I do actually love him. I didn't have that with my first husband. I was with him for all the wrong reasons. But today, I do love the man I am with. I did move on and found my soul mate. I know he is not perfect, but then again, neither am I! We all have our faults. What matters truly is, are we willing to live with our faults and the faults of others? Or those whom we love? I actually went almost a year without having contact w/my own father. I felt that he drew the line. When I go so upset and was so hurt, I finally said enough was enough. I told him NO contact. Not via e-mail, phone, through others...nothing. Then, since he is my dad, I had enough of the anger so I got in touch with him again. Today he knows though, I will do it again if I need to. For me! And for no other reason. I believe it is up to me to allow certain people in my life. If I allow someone else to affect me, that is MY choice. I have to take care of me and that is all that matters. I hope this helps! Remember, take care of YOU!!! ((((((((loves and hugs))))))))
you CAN do it, with or without him drinking! Remember, YOU! You can be happy! Love, Sandy
Actually I have done plenty on the truck and other issues since I started al anon. I have also worked hard on reducing my bills. That has been a hard one because stopping paying his bills was huge for me. Right now the house is freezing because the electricity costs so much.
That brings up its own problems which means that really only one room is heated and that then brings me into proximity with the A. I try to stay out of his way as much as I can.
I have my plan b and I am actively working on it. One thing for me is resources and I am going to have to actively go out and create them.
Twinmom~